A Cry in the Dark

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

up and down....

It feels as though I'm doomed to come to His house in the rain.... At least I got to do my driving while it was still daylight today!

I have been fortunate to spend so much time with Him since I got back from Chicago. Last night was the first night we slept apart. I'm getting spoiled by this.... A taste of our future and it's creating such a hunger in me. I want it NOW! *sigh* Yes, I'm such a glutton at times....

I've been kind of up and down on the emotional roller coaster again. The insecurity I was feeling about my job and life with Him has been settled. Now, though? Another step to be taken. While I'm looking forward to this new venture, I'm also nervous about it. I want it, and not only for Him. Yes, it's something that will make Him VERY happy.... Yet.... I have to keep asking myself why I have anxiety about doing this. There's really nothing I can put my finger on. Maybe it's just the fact that it's so new to me, so alien in my thought processes? Or is it that I fear becoming more dependent on Him? But I LIKE being more dependent on Him.... These thoughts that race around in circles in my mind hide in the background when He's around. That's good, but it's not good. I know He could put them to rest if only I could find the words to describe what I'm feeling....

See, that's something that really just pisses me off about myself. It's easier to write things down than to say them to Him at times. And even when I'd be comfortable talking to Him about something, I can't find the words to describe what I'm feeling. Or why I'm feeling that way. Or exactly what it is that I AM feeling.

I'm scared. But I'm not. I'm nervous, but I'm not. The back and forth yo-yo makes me sound and feel like an idiot. I want to just sweep those feelings off to the side and tell them to go away. After all, the first step was taken today. Seeing the glint in His eye and that dimple while we were talking about it.... Well.... I got that GOOD fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach!

I feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back today. Where did that clarity of last week go? And why is it that these things always come to mind when I'm alone? I keep digging for reasons and come up empty. It's not doubt in Him. It's not a lack of trust in where we're going. Is it just the fact that my life is changing? I'm being pushed out of the rut(s) I've gotten in to in so many ways....

I do just wish that I could shut my brain off at times....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:04 PM :: 2 comments