A Cry in the Dark

Sunday, December 02, 2007

revelations....

Well, I received my punishment from this posting ( being disobedient....) last Saturday. Yes, it was a while in coming. He was waiting until He knew my back could take it and that I was going to be home for a bit. I’m not certain what was worse about waiting. Was it knowing that the punishment was coming and not knowing when or knowing what the punishment was going to be?

He had spoken with His Domme friend when this all happened. She had given Him a suggestion on what might be appropriate. It was, quite honestly, horribly diabolical. When He told me what it was, I literally broke down and just bawled. Seeing my remorse, He relented a bit and told me what He had decided on. It was something I knew would still be very difficult, but it wasn’t as horrible as her offering. (Please know I respect you, Ma’am. But that was HORRIFIC!)

My punishment was to remove my pants and receive a spanking from her. Now, I had seen her in a scene with her submissive. There was no doubt in my mind that she could offer up some serious pain and I’ve never really thought of myself as being one who could take much. Add in my issues with disrobing in front of others and you can see why the thought of this had me in a bit of a tizzy. He recognized this and spent a couple of weeks talking to me about what was going to happen. It was probably a good thing He did, because I’m not certain I could have gone through with it otherwise.

The most difficult part of the punishment was when He told me to take off my jeans. I knew I had to or I would disappoint Him. His eyes offered encouragement while I slowly followed instructions. As I was blindfolded and positioned on the spanking bench, a sense of calm acceptance began to flow into me. It was amazing to feel this disconnectedness from everything..... I was there, but not. It was me, but not me. I hit a spot in subspace I’ve never really felt before....

She began the spanking and I honestly couldn’t tell you how long it lasted or what was used. There were a couple of times when I almost used my safe word, but I was (and still am) surprised at what I took. Through it all, I felt Him near me or His hands on me. There was such loving support from Him. I wonder if that’s why I could take so much?

When the punishment was done, and the blindfold came off, He quickly wrapped me up in a warm hug. My eyes welled up and tears began to flow. It wasn’t that I hurt and I’m still not certain where they came from. Was it remorse for my actions and knowing that I’d been fully punished for them? Or was it a release for so many of the tensions that are in my life? Was it sub-drop? Will I always have this reaction or was it just a one time event?

I’ve been trying to sort things out for the past week and am a bit stumped. There’s a part of me that wants to do it again to see if I react the same way. I’m also curious to see if I can take as much (or more) than I took that night. Am I less wimpish than I’ve always thought? Or was I only taking so much because I felt a need to punish myself?

I’ve felt really good and closely connected to Him this past week. Even the stresses of returning to work after a long absence haven’t reduced that feeling. That could also be from having so much time with Him, but I’m just wallowing in the sensations.... I don’t really care where they came from or why. What matters most is that I can glory in belonging to Him and in making Him happy....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 9:38 AM :: 6 comments