A Cry in the Dark

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

up and down....

It feels as though I'm doomed to come to His house in the rain.... At least I got to do my driving while it was still daylight today!

I have been fortunate to spend so much time with Him since I got back from Chicago. Last night was the first night we slept apart. I'm getting spoiled by this.... A taste of our future and it's creating such a hunger in me. I want it NOW! *sigh* Yes, I'm such a glutton at times....

I've been kind of up and down on the emotional roller coaster again. The insecurity I was feeling about my job and life with Him has been settled. Now, though? Another step to be taken. While I'm looking forward to this new venture, I'm also nervous about it. I want it, and not only for Him. Yes, it's something that will make Him VERY happy.... Yet.... I have to keep asking myself why I have anxiety about doing this. There's really nothing I can put my finger on. Maybe it's just the fact that it's so new to me, so alien in my thought processes? Or is it that I fear becoming more dependent on Him? But I LIKE being more dependent on Him.... These thoughts that race around in circles in my mind hide in the background when He's around. That's good, but it's not good. I know He could put them to rest if only I could find the words to describe what I'm feeling....

See, that's something that really just pisses me off about myself. It's easier to write things down than to say them to Him at times. And even when I'd be comfortable talking to Him about something, I can't find the words to describe what I'm feeling. Or why I'm feeling that way. Or exactly what it is that I AM feeling.

I'm scared. But I'm not. I'm nervous, but I'm not. The back and forth yo-yo makes me sound and feel like an idiot. I want to just sweep those feelings off to the side and tell them to go away. After all, the first step was taken today. Seeing the glint in His eye and that dimple while we were talking about it.... Well.... I got that GOOD fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach!

I feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back today. Where did that clarity of last week go? And why is it that these things always come to mind when I'm alone? I keep digging for reasons and come up empty. It's not doubt in Him. It's not a lack of trust in where we're going. Is it just the fact that my life is changing? I'm being pushed out of the rut(s) I've gotten in to in so many ways....

I do just wish that I could shut my brain off at times....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:04 PM :: 2 comments

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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

one more day....

One more day and I will be home....

One more day and I will get to feel His arms around me....

One more day and I will be back in my element....

One more day and all will be right in my world.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 8:21 PM :: 3 comments

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Friday, November 09, 2007

looking at my insecurities….

It feels like this week has flown by. I’ve been so busy at work and have spent almost every evening out with someone. Yes, the work “stuff” is getting done, which is good news. And I’ve enjoyed spending time out with J and getting to know him better. It’s been interesting, because we do talk about pieces of our personal lives at work. Having some time outside of work has deepened that friendship in such a wonderful way….

We were talking about our relationships the other night. The whole topic came up because there is still a question out there about me moving to Chicago. While we were talking, some of my insecurities came up again. Instead of just ignoring them or not saying anything, I spilled the beans. This strange feeling came over me when I did that. It was like I was talking about those fears, but didn’t feel them so deeply. After a few minutes, it dawned on me why that was happening. The fears are real, but there is no foundation for them. I said something to that effect to J and he started laughing. It was obvious to him and he started teasing me about it.

Very early in our relationship, Sir told me that holding on to my insecurities would eventually kill anything we could have together. I realized just what He meant by that statement the other night. If I insist on worrying about things because of my fears, I will bring a negative stress into our lives. In fact, I have to acknowledge that I have been doing that without realizing it.

I apologize, Sir, for stressing about that conversation I will eventually have with my boss. Instead of worrying about when it will happen and what the outcome will be, I have confidence that You will be there to face it with me. You have shown Your love for me in so many ways. How could I ever doubt it?

I won’t be moving to Chicago. While I knew that months ago, I’m so very, very comfortable with everything that statement means. Thank you, J, for helping me work that out….

Posted by WistfulWench :: 7:01 AM :: 2 comments

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Tuesday, November 06, 2007

part of the appeal….

Is part of the appeal of D/s brought about because of the manners, the ritual, the protocol that people see? Is it a yearning for a return to a time when courtesy was the norm rather than the exception?

Is part of the appeal the urge to experience what they read in those wonderful trashy novels that have been so popular for years? I admit to reading just about everything Rosemary Rogers wrote in the 70’s and 80’s. The thought of being overpowered by some strong, handsome man titillated me tremendously. Was that really the beginning of my desire to submit?

There’s a part of me that would love to know just how much society influences our needs and desires. Another part of my just shrugs and thinks, “I am who I am.”

Do you think things like manners or the fantasies from reading actually draw people to D/s? Or are these just common experiences that are coincidental?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:41 AM :: 3 comments

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Saturday, November 03, 2007

more amusement....

I didn’t bother to put my suitcase away after unpacking last weekend. Why bother? I just needed to pack it again today....

While putting things together the other evening, I looked in the bag to see what I had left in it. To my surprise, I found some “presents” that had been left for me! They were the little sparkly foam ball toys Smooches loves to carry around.

Now I have to wonder who left them there and why.... Was it Smooches? Did she want to let me know she would miss me? Or was it Smokey? Was he trying to tell me that Smooches should take this trip?

If only they could talk....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 10:02 AM :: 4 comments

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a funny story....

One of the guys I work with, J, may have an idea that I’m kinky. For years, we’ve teased each other about our relationships and sexual behaviors. I’ve told him that there are photos of me in compromising dress or positions and he’s jokingly asked to see them. Other times, I’ve made remarks about being “tied up” when he’s called and how much I enjoy it. Part of the fun is that HE is the one who blushes every time these topics come up.

When I tried to go back to the office in September, I went over to his department to catch up with everyone. He walked out of his office and was admiring my “choker”. Walking around behind me, he lifted my hair and said, “I don’t see the D-ring for attaching the leash.” There were a couple of snickers to be heard from his staff members. I calmly looked at him and said, “Sweetie, that’s what the ring on the front is for!”

J started blushing furiously, his staff began laughing, and I just stood there with a smile on my face. If only they knew!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 7:56 AM :: 2 comments

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