A Cry in the Dark

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

what a great weekend!

My closets are finally clean and organized again....

My new cookware has been put away....

I have two boxes ready to go to Good Will....

I have a freezer full of meals ready to eat....

My nails, both sets, have been painted a GORGEOUS shade of coral....

I just had an amazing massage....

And I still can't peel the smile off my face! (Thank you, sweetest, most darling Master!)

What a great weekend!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:07 PM :: 6 comments

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a call-out to carly....

Sweetie, you can smack me! I think you gave me an alternate way to contact you a couple of months ago and I've now lost it....

Please contact me! I just need to know that you're OK....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:16 AM :: 0 comments

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Monday, May 29, 2006

rambling thoughts....

I am going to apologize in advance.  This particular posting is a bit messy and unstructured.  There are some thoughts that have popped into my head the last couple of days that I just want to get down.  They are not things that particularly bother me, but I hope that writing them out will either bring some cohesion to the process that is bringing them up now or at least allow me to let them go.

I became aware of my sexuality at a very young age.  While it wasn't necessarily voluntary, it’s been a part of my life for so long that I have no comparative perspective.  My uncle introduced me to his cock when I was three.  I can vividly remember the whole experience, where we were, why I was there and even some of the words he used.  (It’s not a memory that is painful any longer, it is just a part of my history now.)  I remember him telling me that I was too small for him to give me his present right now, but he promised that one day I would be big enough for it.  I remember being a bit puzzled by that.  

When I was four, I remember being in the basement of our house, playing with my little kitchen and toy dishes.  I was the only person down there and, for some reason, his comment came to mind.  He had touched my crotch when he said I was too small and I wondered what he was talking about.  I pulled my panties down and started touching myself all over.  The only place I could find that made any sense to me was my anus.  As I touched myself there, letting my fingers push and prod, I wondered how he could possibly fit there.  

Was I somehow marked by this experience?  So many incidents during my childhood that make me wonder if there was something about me that was visible.  The babysitter’s teen-aged son holding me on his lap and rubbing my crotch.  The two boys chasing me around the yard, tackling me, then pulling my shirt off when I was ten.  Each of them rubbed and sucked on my nipples, telling me that it was what boys were supposed to do.  The two high school boys pulling me into the closet when I was eleven, sandwiching me between them, hands all over me, arousing me in ways I just didn’t understand.  One of those same high school boys fingering my pussy in the swimming pool.  My best friend in junior high offering to have her brother “pee” in me.  My cousin dry-humping me in the barn hayloft.

Even ten years later, I was too small for my uncle.  He tried to give me a special present on my birthday, but couldn’t fit.  His fingers did, though, and he showed me that the pleasure I had learnt to give myself could be given by another.  I had loved him before, but after that I adored him.  It took a couple more years for me to realize that what he had done was not love.  Actually, it took me many years to truly learn that sex from someone was not love.  (Yes, it does seem kind of silly that it took me so long to learn that, doesn’t it?  All I can say is that I grew up in a very sheltered home, in a very small, close-minded community.  There were a LOT of things I didn’t learn until very late.  And, yes, some of those lessons were more painful for not learning them earlier.)

I have to wonder if experiences such as this are normal for girls when they are growing up.  How does it impact their personal view of their sexuality?  Do these memories truly color the person I am today?  Or is it just easier to say that I have certain wants, needs or desires because of what has happened rather than look for a true cause?  Does it matter what the cause is?  Will it intensify my current or future relationships to have a better understanding?  Or is it immaterial, as it just is what it is?

Strange that these memories are flashing into my mind at this time.  I can’t think of any reason why they would.  Well, maybe by posting them, they will go back into the ether.  Or wherever it is that they came from....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 7:43 AM :: 8 comments

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Sunday, May 28, 2006

why is healthier so much more expensive?

I just got done doing the weekly grocery shopping. *sigh* Once again, the bill was almost double what it was when I was less concerned with eating "healthier" foods. Fresh produce isn't cheap. Neither is fish! Geez! When I manage to find something for $4.99 per pound, it's still almost 2 1/2 times as expensive as that ground beef at $1.79 per pound! Forget about the whole grain pastas, lower-calorie higher-fiber breads, and reduced-fat heart-healthy cereals....

Does anyone else think it's pretty obvious why so many Americans have an issue with their weight? Yes, I know I shouldn't complain. Spending more on the food I eat is having a benefit. I am losing weight and I am feeling better. But I am fortunate, as I have the finances to be able to afford to do this. Two years ago, it would have broken my budget completely.

Why does healthier have to be so much more expensive?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 9:41 AM :: 8 comments

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Saturday, May 27, 2006

how important is that kiss?

Can you be in a relationship with someone when their kiss doesn’t “curl your toes”?  Is it something that is important to your experience?  Or is it just a small thing that doesn’t matter?

I was thinking about some of my past relationships and realized that I was happiest when I was with the guys who were good kissers.  Those were the relationships that seemed to have fulfilled me the most in so many ways.  It got me to wondering if the kiss is a critical indicator of potential “fit” in a partnership.

Of course, now I have to wonder if this is just my experience, or if anyone else has noticed it.  How important is that kiss?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:50 AM :: 7 comments

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Thursday, May 25, 2006

i have lusted....


I admit to it. I have lusted, for many months now, and finally caved in to the temptation.

Not only did I buy the Calphalon One Infused Anodized 10-piece set, I also splurged and bought stainless steel cooking utensils and a baking set.

*sigh*

At least I got everything at less than half price!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 2:44 PM :: 7 comments

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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

how is $9 an hour a living wage?

I do understand that $9 an hour is quite a bit more than the $5.15 that is the current federally mandated minimum wage. How, though, is that considered a wage people can live on? Especially in this area?

I was very glad to read that many cities, counties and states have taken matters into their own hands. It's disappointing that our representatives, who are so quick to vote raises for themselves, find this such a difficult issue to consider. I wonder how difficult it would be if they had to live on minimum wages for a year?

You can read more details at:

Living Wage

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:06 PM :: 7 comments

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

oh, my! i KNEW most of these!

I was doing some on-line research today and ran across this article. What scared me most is that, not only did I know most of them, I actually USE a couple of them on a regular basis! I am becoming WAY too corporate!

Feel free to take a read:

Business Buzzwords

My favorite little twist? After doing the deep dive to explore the current state, it is necessary to form a team to develop the future state, as the historical perspective is not the best manner to view and build our business. (That's become my "catch phrase" response to all the requests to get embroiled in the mess other departments have created....)

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:39 PM :: 4 comments

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Monday, May 22, 2006

some things i learned this weekend....

It's not smart to surprise your friend while she's carrying a big graduation cake....

If you're over 29, you look pretty silly doing luge shots....

But it's OK when there are 10 other 40-somethings doing it too....

Dancing is still a lot of fun, but my right hip isn't as young as I feel....

You can't wonder what you did the night before to make you so sore the next morning as there are too many things it could be....


Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:34 PM :: 5 comments

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Friday, May 19, 2006

out of synch with the world....

I’ve always been slightly envious of those who seem to fit right in and are comfortable in their surroundings.  I can’t remember one single time in my life that I’ve felt that way.  There is always a feeling of awkwardness, the question in my mind of whether or not I should be there.  

It goes back, I think, to growing up in such a small town.  I heard the same phrase over and over.  “What will people think?”  Unfortunately, I knew what they thought.  I wasn’t as athletic as my cousin “S”, I wasn’t as pretty as my cousin “B” and I wasn’t as graceful as my cousin “R”.  The small talent I did have, musicality, was not important and there were always others who were better than I was.  Being smart was actually a bad thing, because boys didn’t like you if you were smart.  Unless, of course, you were smart AND pretty.

There were all the other things that added to always feeling like an outsider.  My mom had very definite ideas about how a little girl should dress.  Sadly enough, those ideas were not the way the other girls dressed.  I couldn’t wear knee socks.  I couldn’t wear jeans.  (I only got a pair of jeans when I was 12 because I needed them for marching band as part of the uniform.)  I started wearing glasses when I was 6, and they were ugly.  Of course, they were sturdy, and that was what mattered, right?  The list of probable causes just goes on and on....

*sigh*  

It’s not that my parents didn’t love me.  They always have and I know that.  Sometimes, though, it just isn’t enough.  I have those fleeting moments where I am comfortable in my own self, but they don’t stay with me.  I am proud of where I am in my life.  It’s taken a lot of work, but I’ve gotten where I am all by myself.  I know I am a good person and that I have some great qualities.  Why can’t that be enough?  Why do I always feel as though I’m out of synch with the world?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:10 AM :: 13 comments

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Thursday, May 18, 2006

insufficient funds....

Her: You got to pay to be beautiful.

Me: Honey, I've been paying all my life. And every time the message just comes back "Insufficient Funds."

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:32 PM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

why is it....

Why is it that some people have to attack a messy situation by making it a bigger mess? Another situation at work where someone isn't doing their job and someone else is under the gun for it. Now, party "B" has decided to clean up the mess by assigning one of his own employees to manage the data, since the responsible party can't seem to do it.

I can see the train wreck coming....

Should I just stand to the side and let it happen? I feel I have no other choice right now....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:25 PM :: 4 comments

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

for a laugh....

I got this in an e-mail this morning and just had to share it! Enjoy!

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:15 AM :: 4 comments

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Monday, May 15, 2006

sometimes he says things....

...that just make me melt....

“...we are beautiful together....”

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:46 AM :: 5 comments

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Sunday, May 14, 2006

Happy Mother's Day!

To all of those who are....

To all of those who someday will be....

And to all of those who are "Mommy" to the four-legged children!

Warmest wishes for a wonderful celebration of Motherhood!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 7:02 AM :: 2 comments

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updates....

I’ve added some new bloggers to my list. Please give them a read!

Aspects of Amber

Cuddlybum

Journey to the Darkside

Pooh

Subhotchic

Submissive Reflections


Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:10 AM :: 6 comments

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Saturday, May 13, 2006

world's largest food drive....

Fellahere started it, but it's a good reminder.

Today is the day to leave your non-perishable food items for your postal work to collect. It is such a shame that a country as rich as ours is sends so many hungry children to bed each night. Please make a donation, however small, to help someone.

While I'm on the topic, I'd like to make another small request. During the holidays, we all see the food banks out in full force asking for donations. By this time of year, those donations have dwindled down to almost nothing. Why not ask your employer to run a Christmas in July food drive? Most food banks will gladly come to collect the donations. I'm organizing one at my job this year and know that there are many other food banks that could benefit. It truly can make a difference in someone's life!


Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:30 AM :: 0 comments

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remember this hot commercial?

There is this cool site shown on Sita's blog that I checked out yesterday. I found this video and had to share it. I remember enjoying the commercial then and still found it interesting. The fusion of three very different musical talents into a cohesive piece.


Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:30 AM :: 0 comments

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Friday, May 12, 2006

so far, so good....

I'm going to risk a shoulder injury and pat myself on the back today! It's not quite 8am, and I've already read and commented on some blogs, taken a shower, gone to the gym, taken another shower, eaten breakfast, responded to work e-mails, picked up voice mail and started three separate queries.... I am rocking and rolling today!

I've found a couple of sites I thought I'd share. They are both tools I'm using to change my eating and activity habits towards a healthier life. Let me know if you decide they're helpful to you! Another little tip? Sugar free fudgesicles are only 40 calories each.... Helps that chocolate urge!

fitwatch

hungry-girl


Posted by WistfulWench :: 7:00 AM :: 6 comments

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Thursday, May 11, 2006

i don’t do spontaneous very well.....

How do you become a person who can be spontaneous?  

I’ve always been someone who needs to have a routine, order, schedules in my life.  When my routine is interrupted, I tend to go into a tail spin and feel as though I’m out of control.

Can you learn to do things on a whim?  Is it possible to allow yourself the “freedom” to throw the plans out the window with no worry or consideration?  Or is this just a personality trait that you either have or don’t have?

*sigh*  There are times I wish spontaneity was something I actually COULD do....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:11 PM :: 8 comments

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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

for FellaHere....

Since you shared your Smokey with us here....

The Secret Purr of Smokey

I'll share my Smokey with you here....


Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:28 PM :: 6 comments

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you remember that mop?

Well, I found a reason to use it!

I mopped my balcony the other day. Maybe that's why I bought it in the first place?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:16 AM :: 4 comments

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Sunday, May 07, 2006

freedom in enclosure....

When he physically restrains me, there is always that little shiver that goes through my stomach.  It’s strange, really.  I love it when I am bound, unable to get away from him and the sensations he creates.  There is a liberty in being restricted in my actions.  Somehow, it forces me to focus more on my responses, magnifying the pleasure I receive.  Even better is the knowledge that he will continue in his actions until HE is satisfied.  I can do nothing but feel, feel, feel....

Recently, I’ve noticed that there is a comfort in being bound by his words.  When he tells me not to worry about something, it becomes much easier to walk away from the problem.  He has recently required me to add some activities to my weekly schedule.  While I struggled to incorporate them initially, it has now become easier to accept his authority on those matters.  It seems as though he makes it possible to put down that responsibility of being an adult and adopt a more care-free, child-like outlook on life....

For some reason, setting more boundaries, enclosing me further with his words and actions, seems to liberate me in so many ways.  I am feeling lighter, happier, much less stressed.  That sense of joy in my day has returned.  There is freedom in his enclosure....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:54 AM :: 3 comments

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Saturday, May 06, 2006

independent submission....

It sounds like an oxymoron, I know. But that is the term that came to mind while I was trying to find a manner of explaining his control of my life and my submission to him.

He is not interested in a plastic “Stepford” submissive. While I would sometimes prefer he just tell me what to do in certain situations, he tends to force me to evaluate all the options and then come to a decision. Where I find it easier to ignore health or emotional issues, he insists I take corrective action to become healthier. I know that this is because he feels it is very important that I be able to take care of myself appropriately. There is more to it than that, though.

I’ve always found it easier to take care of others, leaving myself for last. Putting my needs and wants as a priority has always felt somehow “wrong” and selfish. This has been an issue in my personal and professional life. Learning to say “no” was a significant effort for me. Even after learning that the world didn’t end if I uttered it, I still found it difficult to say very frequently. My time was slowly allocated more and more to work and other activities that brought little personal benefit.

Something I said in RnC’s blog the other day started some thoughts running around in my head. I had initially said that there were days when I lost all control. I had to back up and re-state what I meant, which was that I was trying to wrest control away from him. Those are the days when I stumble the most and struggle with my submission.

The light bulb started to glimmer.... He had been very insistent that I ignore the phone and turn the laptop off when I was with him. My time with him was his and no one else’s. All of our discussions about my job situation came back to mind, running in fast motion. He had consistently stated that I needed to accept that I could only do what I could do and stop trying to do it all. He understood my pain, but continued to encourage me to let it go. Let it go. Three simple little words that took so long to sink in to my brain....

I’ve had a much better attitude at work the last couple of weeks. Unfortunately, it wasn’t because I was smart enough to understand what he was trying to tell me. It took conversations with co-workers who said the same thing, chats with submissive friends who said the same thing, and finally the switch flipped and the light bulb came on, full force and as bright as day. Let it go. I am not the one in control. Giving it up has once again given me the freedom and ability to focus on what it is I enjoy about my job. Once I stopped struggling to do it all MY way, it became easier to do. I don’t have to make the decisions, I just need to follow the guidance and direction I’m given.

I know that this has been a somewhat meandering posting so far. But I do have a point! He wants me to be comfortable with giving up control, as he recognizes it as a burden to me. By taking it in my personal life, he has shown me that I can actually achieve so much more than I would allow myself to believe. This recent work situation has also shown me that the same thought processes can also allow me to have professional gratification I thought I had lost. It is teaching me to be who I am, independently, without having to rely totally on him.


Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:15 AM :: 4 comments

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Friday, May 05, 2006

control tag responses....

This was a tag from the other site. There are some thoughts floating around in my head lately about this topic. As I read my responses, I decided to post them again. Hopefully, this will help the whisps coalesce into something I can verbalize!

What is control to you? For me, control means that I will follow his wishes and directives, whether he is present or not. We have spent, and continue to spend, a considerable amount of time talking about ourselves, our desires, our needs. I trust him to direct me in a manner that is not only in my best interests, but in his, as well. Knowing he wants me to be strong, independent, and capable of handling life on my own makes it easier for me. He takes such pride in my accomplishments that I WANT to improve my skills, try for those objectives, reach further than I would dare to do on my own. There have been situations where I wish he would just tell me what to do. Instead, he will discuss it with me and guide me to a decision. He is not interested in detailing every single action I take. The goal is to teach me how to live in a manner that will please him and also gratify me.

Do you want to be controlled 24/7? Yes, but not as if I were a puppet that could only move when my strings are pulled. Our relationship is one that is very nurturing for me. He is in my thoughts constantly and in my heart always. I am learning how to bring joy to his life by making decisions on my own. The fact that I willingly take action in a manner he approves of means much more to both of us than if he were to give me directives on every little thing. I can’t imagine our relationship NOT being 24/7.

Or to be controlled only when your Master is there? My answer to this ties in with the answer above. If I were to only be controlled when he is near me, then am I showing him the respect and honor I should? It seems as though I would be less than he desires if I did not take the time to consider his preferences just because he is not around. After all, there is no way any two people can be together every single minute of every single day.

Can you be controlled from far away? Absolutely! If I am concerned with behaving, at all times, in a manner that honors him, he does not have to be near.

By a phone call, thru a cam, by getting text messaged? It is easier to KNOW his preferences when I can communicate with him. Having said that, I am learning more about his thought processes every time we talk, so it is less difficult to figure out how he would like for me to react. This is one of those issues that just takes time. We both have taken time to get to know each other and continue to explore each other’s thoughts.

Can you follow his commands He gives you, without waiver? This is one I’m still working on! Most of the time I want to, but still have some shyness and/or personal issues to overcome. Most of his commands are very easy for me to follow. Every once in a while, though, he pushes me a bit. I know he is doing it intentionally and out of loving consideration. This has become easier as we’ve gotten to know each other better. I suspect there will be a day, in the near future, where I will be able to do this!

Without second thought as to how He choose to use you? I have to give the same answer here as I did to the last question. He knows my hard limits and takes them into consideration. There are many areas where my limits are not known and he is exploring those with me. He has already shown me that some activities I initially found distasteful can become quite erotic. When I realized how much it pleased him, something inside me just “clicked” and now it is an activity I joyfully consider. Again, this seems to come with more knowledge of and experience with my partner.

Can His control push you to your limits as He e-mails you? Oh, yes! Some of the assignments he has given me are done with this intention. I know he does it to determine where my head is at and to guide me towards his preference. He knows that it is easier for me to completely understand what he desires if I take every step in the process. When I have learned WHY and come to the same decision on my own, it is very easy to incorporate his preferences into mine.

Can the thought of control as He chooses drive you to wetness? Without a doubt! Even when he talks about something I’m not certain I can do, just knowing that I will make the attempt because he desires it creates excitement. I am his and he knows that!

Control to you, does it mean letting Him make every day choices for you? Yes, it does. Again, this is something that is specific to our relationship. He has earned my trust and I know that my best interests are always in his thoughts.

Choosing your food, dress, who you talk to, who you see? He has never made the attempt to micro-manage my life. I have received certain guidelines that I work to follow. Some have been more difficult than others, of course. Again, I know he sets these parameters with my interests in mind. His intentions are to help me become the best person I can be.

Or do you only want to be controlled in the life style? For me, the life style is a relationship. I can’t separate bedroom activity from the day-to-day actions. He showers me with love and compassion, offers me strength, encouragement and guidance, respects my needs and desires. Why would I not want that in every aspect of my life?

Controlled at play, be it with him or at a distance? I am his, completely. I think that says it all!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 2:11 PM :: 4 comments

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Thursday, May 04, 2006

please welcome....

I've added a couple of bloggers to my links! Please welcome C and her blog, RnC Personal Correction. Many of you already know LadyK and she now has a blog here, The Key To My Heart.

Of course, you may already know that!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:41 PM :: 5 comments

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

where do those ideas go?????

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I had a couple of great blog ideas....

This morning, they are gone. Evaporated into the ether. (Or maybe they leaked out of my ears and soaked into my pillow....)

Where do those ideas go? Why are they gone when I get to the computer?

Maybe being able to sleep better has a down side after all!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:34 AM :: 5 comments

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