A Cry in the Dark

Sunday, April 30, 2006

every once in a while....

Every once in a while, I will kick and scream.
Please understand that I need you to hold me.

Every once in a while, I will chafe against your lead.
Please understand that I need you to pull me back.

Every once in a while, I will question you and your motives.
Please understand that I need to hear your answers.

Every once in a while, I will test your patience.
Please understand that I need your reassurance.

Every once in a while, I will try to escape.
Please understand that I need to have you enclose me.

Every once in a while, I will push your buttons.
Please understand that I need to know you care.

Another piece from “over there” that has tremendous meaning for me.  Maybe I should read some of my old postings more often!





Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:35 PM :: 8 comments

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Friday, April 28, 2006

a Friday assignment....

I can already tell that this is going to be a LONG day....

Friday is my telecommute day.  Fortunately, I have a boss who realizes that spending 2+ hours trying to cross the Tappan Zee Bridge to get home on a Friday is pure torture.  So, I’ve worked from home almost every single Friday for the last 5 years.  (I am SUCH a lucky girl!)

Of course, HE will frequently take advantage of the fact that I am not in the office.  Today is one of those days.  Every hour, on the hour, I must pull my pants down to my ankles, pull my breasts out of my bra, rub my palms over my nipples in circles for two minutes, roll my nipples for two minutes, then play with my clit until I am nicely excited.  He has been extremely considerate by letting me stop once I become excited, rather than pushing until I need to orgasm.  (There was absolutely NO sarcasm in that last statement!)  

It’s only a bit after 10, and I am already frustrated.  Five sessions so far.  At 1, I get to lube up the small anal plug and insert it.  (Thank you for that consideration, Master.)  I still must continue the sessions until he arrives.  That could be anywhere between 3 and 6.  By the time I see him, I have no doubt I will be begging to do anything and everything he wants.  

You may be asking why I would follow his instructions.  I would ask you to read the last line of the paragraph above....  *grins*  This is one of those situations where he has learned enough about me to develop a plan to overcome my natural inhibitions.  I don’t know what he has planned, but I have learned that an assignment like this on a Friday usually means that something big is on the horizon.  It may be pushing pain limits.  Possibly it is pushing a mental limit.  I won’t know until he chooses to let me know.  The one thing I am certain of is this:  If I follow his instructions, I will receive WONDERFUL pleasure tonight!  

I made a comment the other day in SNN’s blog that some of my actions seem so Pavlovian in nature.  This is just another one!  Pushing myself and following his instructions to the letter in order to please him, even when he’s not around.  When I do this, the reward I receive is so fantastic, it drives me to do it again and again....  

Posted by WistfulWench :: 9:19 AM :: 4 comments

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Thursday, April 27, 2006

i'm really not....

Well, I'm really NOT bored, but I went to visit

http://i-am-bored.com/im_bored_latest_2.htm.

While there, I found this wonderful clip! How amazing is she?

http://i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=17106

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:13 PM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

bound....

bound
.. by rope
.. leather
.. metal

bound
.. by wants
.. desires
.. needs

bound
.. by statements
.. promises
.. submission

bound
.. by intentions
.. instructions
.. strength

bound
.. by body
.. heart
.. mind

This piece still has such meaning for me.  The ties that bind the most are frequently the least visible to others....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:57 PM :: 5 comments

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Monday, April 24, 2006

kiss and tell....

Hearing your knock, I rushed to open the door. As you came in, I moved to the side to let you by. Instead of walking past, you wrapped your arms around me, letting your lips softly land on mine. I heard the door shut and relaxed into the warmth of your embrace. Gentle, teasing kisses drew me in. My arms slid around your neck, needing to pull you closer to me. I could feel you smile as your arms tightened around me. Your tongue softly traced the curve of my lower lip before slipping slightly into my mouth. I could feel your sweet gentleness wrapping around me, a cloak shielding me from the harsh world.

Your mouth detoured to my ear, nibbling a bit before sliding down my neck. Small sucks, gentle bites, and I could do nothing but moan. As your lips took possession of mine again, there was a subtle shift. Hardness replaced softness. Demanding replaced enticing. Assertiveness replaced teasing. No words spoken, yet it was obvious that Master was present and taking what is his.

Your hand reached up to tangle in my hair. I tried to step back, only to find myself against the wall. You shifted your body, capturing me. I could not get away, could not escape your hunger. Holding my head, you devoured my mouth. Little nips, plundering tongue, passionate kisses. I softly moaned and you became more aggressive. Your other hand moved to my nipple, grasping it in a pinch that was slightly painful. Another moan slipped from me, hungrily swallowed by you. It was as if you were waiting for that signal, that indication that I had no choice but to respond. Harder pulling of my hair, painful twisting of my nipple, forcing me to squirm helplessly between you and the wall. My whimpers leaked from our mouths, echoing in the entryway. Finally, your head lifted and your eyes looked deeply into mine. A smile formed on your face. Your pleasure was so evident I could almost touch it.

"Are you ready to go in now?"

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:40 PM :: 4 comments

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Sunday, April 23, 2006

my biggest fear....

My biggest fear?

That I need you much, much more than you will ever need me....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:03 PM :: 12 comments

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

amazing....

It's truly amazing what can hide in your closet....

Today, I learned that I actually own a mop!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:19 PM :: 10 comments

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

i'm sorry....

I know I've been a bit inactive lately. I'm struggling, in so many ways. There are words, but I can't find them. The emotions that roil in my gut refuse to be identified. I can't explain them and I can't describe them.

It's as if there is a huge, mixed-up ball of yarn there. All the feelings are individual strands that are tangled and knotted together. As soon as I pull on one, several more start to pull out.

I don't remember ever feeling so unsettled for such a long period of time. It's almost as if I were seriously depressed, but it's not depression. It's anger, upset, frustration, fear, and dissatisfaction, all mixed up together. It's my normal optimistic and positive outlook being clouded over every day. Every time I think I've identified the why, it shifts to something else.

I'm so tired of feeling like this. I truly hope I come back to myself soon!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:46 PM :: 4 comments

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Thursday, April 13, 2006

Pink's words say it all....

Listening to Pink and I keep coming back to this song. The words just mean so much with all that is going on at work.

Daddy was a soldier he taught me about freedom
Peace and all the great things that we take
Advantage of
Once I fed the homeless, I’ll never forget
I look upon their faces as I treated them with
Respect
And

This is my vietnam
I’m at war
Life keeps on dropping bombs
And I keep score

Momma was a lunatic, she liked to push my buttons

She said I wasn’t good enough, but I guess Ii
Wasn’t trying
Never like school that much, they tried to teach
Me better
But I just wasn’t hearing it because I thought I
Was already pretty clever
And

This is my vietnam
I’m at war
Life keeps on dropping bombs
And I keep score

This is my vietnam
I’m at war
They keep on dropping bombs
And I keep score

What do you expect from me?
What am I not giving you?
What could I do for you to make me ok in your
Eyes?

This is my vietnam
I’m at war
They keep on dropping bombs
And I keep score

This is my vietnam
I’m at war
Life keeps on dropping bombs
And I keep score

This is my vietnam
This is my vietnam

Posted by WistfulWench :: 7:29 PM :: 0 comments

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shifting thoughts....

I’ve always had a bit of a problem with the name “slut”.  Where I grew up, it was one of the worst insults you could say to a woman.  It was even worse than calling her a cunt.  The connotation was that she was easy, would drop her pants for any guy, no morals, no concern for her reputation.  Yeah, reputation was important in my home town.  After all, everyone knew everyone else.  If they didn’t know your business, they’d make it up.  We were all related in some manner.  I knew who my seventh cousins were, for goodness sake!

Somehow, over the last couple of months, he has brought this term to a different light.  I appreciate him calling me his little slut.  It’s still difficult for me to say, but hearing it come from his lips is some type of accolade.  Why is that?  How did this happen?  Where did the definition of the term change in my mind?

I think it now means that I will do anything to please him, regardless of society’s definitions of good and bad.  It’s an award of some type.  I’ve become so depraved that I don’t care what others think of my sexuality, as long as he is happy with my actions.  Strange....  

So many perspectives have changed.  It makes me wonder who I will be, how I will see things and what I will think a year from now.  Change is inevitable, I know.  Some changes, though, are stranger than I could ever have imagined.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 7:04 PM :: 3 comments

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

how many can you really control?

How many submissives or slaves can you really control?  Is there some limit that you have in your head when you enter a relationship with multiple partners?  Does (or would) having an “alpha” submissive change your view?  Do you consider “play” partners to be your submissive?

It is easy for me to understand someone having the capacity to love more than one person at the same time.  Personally, I couldn’t participate in any activity with someone I didn’t have strong feelings for.  I do wonder, though, if Dominants have some number in their heads, or if it is one of those “go with the flow” concepts.

I truly hope no one takes my questions the wrong way.  I don’t mean for them to sound flippant or insulting.  I’d really like to understand!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:59 PM :: 2 comments

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Monday, April 10, 2006

is it acceptance if there are strings attached?

is it acceptance if there are strings attached?

Acceptance is a word that gets thrown around a lot.  I accept him for who he is.  I accept their right to have a different opinion.  I accept responsibility for my actions.  I accept his control over me.

Is it acceptance, though, if there are strings attached?  

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:42 PM :: 4 comments

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Sunday, April 09, 2006

*grumble, grumble, grumble*

This one has been posted. It's been changed to draft. It was posted again. It was draft again. I think it's going to stay posted. Thank you to my angel for helping me think this through today....I think a little reminder of my childish behavior might be good for me.

The little girl inside of me is screaming right now. “It’s not fair!”

It’s not. It just isn’t. OK. It’s not fair, but it is right. Do I have to like it just because it’s right, though?

I’m being punished. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, I hate it.

The part I hate the most is when he walks away, telling me that it is part of my punishment and not letting me know when it will be finished. Being forced to dwell on it, being reminded of why it’s happening, just makes it worse. And he always gives me some activity to do that refuses to let me ignore the fact that I’m being punished! GRRRRRR!

So, here I sit, frustrated and uncomfortable. This is the worst punishment I’ve ever received from him. Ever! I truly don’t think my infraction was that serious, but I am being forced to see that he feels it was. *grumble, grumble, grumble*

I know that in an hour or two, I will see it differently. Well, let me re-state that. I know that an hour or two AFTER my punishment is over, I will see it differently. I already know I do NOT want to make this mistake again! Not ever!

Please, please, please just come back so this can be over! Please? I’m sorry and I won’t do it again! I promise!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 1:30 PM :: 0 comments

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Saturday, April 08, 2006

lacking faith?

It’s so strange how the same topic can come up in multiple conversations.  Today, more than once, the subject was my relationship.  They were good discussions, but it did make me realize that I don’t always talk about the more difficult portions.  For some reason, I just feel that the things we struggle through are too private, too personal to be shared.

It’s so easy to write a posting to share my joy in belonging to him.  Why is it so much more difficult to tell anyone how hard we’ve worked to get where we are?  I’m not ashamed of it.  Actually, I’m very proud that we both have made this commitment and have put so much effort into making it work.  Does it somehow demean what we have to describe those details?  Would it help others if I were to share more of them?

Some things are just so hard to put into words that are cohesive.  My thoughts during these difficult times tend to be very disjointed.  The concepts I struggle the most with require several discussions, most of the time, before I can assimilate them and incorporate them into my own thinking.  It’s not a lack of love.  It’s not a lack of trust.  I think it’s more like a lack of faith, either in him or in myself.  The only thing that seems to help that is time.  Time to get used to the idea.  Time to get comfortable with it.  Time to visit it again and again, until any resistance is smoothed away.

Maybe writing about some of these difficulties would help me struggle less.  I don’t know.  But it is something to think about....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 11:02 PM :: 6 comments

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Friday, April 07, 2006

i have to introduce....

If you read my blog, please look at the links that are set up. There is a blogspot blogger I have had the opportunity to meet who is not a refugee from the other place. Her blog is amazing! I have taken some time to look through her links and have run across some WONDERFUL bloggers!

Please, please welcome SmartNnaughty! You will not be disappointed!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 11:03 PM :: 2 comments

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trust and limits....

I know I asked the question a while ago over there.  And it did happen.  A line got crossed.  That nebulous area where the scene went from intense to scary.

You have to know that when limits are being stretched and boundaries are pushed, he will eventually go too far.  It’s inevitable.  There are no yellow lights that flash over our heads to tell them they are getting close to the maximum amount of testing that is possible.  How he handles it when that happens speaks volumes of who he is.  

We recently had a scene where this happened.  I had that little fear in my stomach and head that he wanted.  It was adding to the intensity of the scene just as he planned.  Unfortunately, a series of statements he made got scrambled in my head.  (I know you understand how that can happen.  After all, who of us is capable of clear thought when in sub space?)  I somehow knew that I wasn’t hearing what he was saying, but I couldn’t straighten it out.  I got lost in the fear, overwhelmed by my own emotions in a split second.  He realized that something was wrong and started asking me questions.  I remember trying to understand what he was saying and not being able to answer.  It was as if he was speaking in a language I barely understood.  I heard what he said, but couldn’t string a response together.

He immediately stopped.  Immediately.  All the restraints were undone and I was swept into his arms.  He didn’t let me go and didn’t stop talking to me until I could give him some coherent answers.  Rather than picking up where he had left off, he shifted gears (and scenes) completely.  Somehow, he recognized my need to have something replace the feeling of being lost.  I needed to be reminded of where I was comfortable.  If he had stopped everything right then, I don’t know that I could have gone back into a scene with him again.  There was this unidentifiable piece inside me that was shaken and I needed the reassurance that everything could be OK again.

After we were done, and I was back to “normal”, he paved the way for the dialogue we both knew needed to occur.  He knew from the look on my face that I wasn’t ready to talk, so he let me know that I didn’t need to try to figure it out at that moment.  He gave me all the time and space I needed to be able to put it in perspective for myself.  It’s been a couple of weeks, and I’m just now realizing why it happened.  He’s given me the chance to talk about it, more than once.  And each time I couldn’t, he let me know that it was OK.  That he understood.  That I could have the time I needed to resolve it for myself.  

I’ve trusted him for many months now.  At least, I thought I did.  Now that we’ve gone through a “scene gone bad”, I know just how much I DO trust him.  I can trust him to stretch my limits.  I can trust him to break through those boundaries, conscious or sub-conscious.  There is less struggle within, more faith and confidence that he will take me to places I never knew existed.  

I can trust him, because I know, with no doubts, that he is worthy of it.  

Posted by WistfulWench :: 9:56 PM :: 2 comments

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in case you are wondering....

I deleted all my old posts. It was my honest intention to walk away from blogging all together. I haven't missed not going to the other site at all. But I have missed my friends from there. Today, I realized that many of you are here. Those that aren't, I can reach via YIM.

I have all my old posts from that place, so don't be surprised if some of them show up here! And I still have a lot of questions to ask and new experiences to share and explore. While some of the people I respected won't come here to read the posts and answer the questions, it is just a much healthier environment for me to be in. The games and hidden agendas were just too much.

Thanks for being here, guys!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:57 PM :: 4 comments

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what do you do when your actions are killing a friend?

I didn’t want to blog for a while. I wanted to walk away, thinking it would help me focus on what is truly important in my life right now. The problem? I can’t talk to anyone about what is going on. If I talk about it, I get upset. I feel guilty. I feel like I’m a horrible person. But I also know I need to get this out, as it’s festering and causing even more pain.

I am killing a friend of mine. Literally.

I usually try to be friendly with the people I work with, but maintain a significant distance from them. I don’t like to be “friends” with co-workers. It leads to problems, you see. When you get involved with the personal life of someone, it bleeds over to the professional life. Without intending it, I’ve become friends with a couple of guys in Finance. We’ve worked so closely together the last three years that it’s been impossible to maintain a clean separation. I truly care about both of them, and I know they care about me. That’s part of what has made this whole acquisition nightmare a bit easier to deal with. We were able to laugh at ourselves. There was a commonality of agony with the requests and impossible deadlines. We felt like the three muskateers, fighting off the idiocy of others.

The nightmare I’m now living started almost two months ago. The details are convoluted and ugly, so I’m not going to give you all of them. The end result was that I have been forced to “drop” a lot of the work I have done to support other departments. If I didn’t, then I would be forced to work for Finance. While that isn’t a bad thing on the surface, once you go to a level above the two guys described above, things get horrible fairly quickly. Their boss is truly an animal. He is devouring these guys, chewing them up only to spit them out in pieces. They are being slaughtered on the alter of his ego, pushed to do the impossible and held up for public ridicule when their efforts are deemed unacceptable.

Mr. Ego started a push to have my position redefined. Of course, his purpose was to force me to take a position that answered to him. See, he doesn’t like the fact that he can’t push me around and can’t force me to meet his idiotic deadlines. He also is pissed off that I refused to accept the position Finance offered me. Oh, it was all sugar coated with a nice big raise, a couple of people answering to me, all that crap you could ask for. I’ve seen everything that has happened over the last six months, so why would I choose to be a participant in that game?

So, I had to start playing a game of my own. As much as I hate them, it was play or go find another playground. I had to define my own job, the reason I was hired, as my only priority. I had to refuse to accept any projects from any other department. I had to decline any requests for help until I had my own work completed. There could be no more working 70-80 hour weeks to meet company needs. My own sanity had to become a priority. Regardless of who got dumped on, I had to stick to my guns and stand my ground. Unfortunately, that meant that my two friends in Finance took on a tremendous burden that they just couldn’t handle.

T is the most senior of the three of us in job title. He has ultimate responsibility for all the financial reporting that comes out of the US. I told both T and C why I had to do this when it first began. They both understood that it was not personal and why it had to be done. Without their support, I don’t know that I could do it. However, T has to accept the blame for things not being done and deadlines not being met. It pains me, tremendously, to know that I could help them and not dare to. I’ve walked away from my friends, and left them holding the bag. Believe me, I feel like a total shit for doing so.

I’ve watched T very closely the last couple of weeks. His color isn’t good. He looks as though he’s going to have a stroke at any moment. He hasn’t laughed once that I’ve heard. He barely talks to me. The stress and pressure is killing him. Literally. And I’m guilty for adding to it.

Living with myself these days is almost too painful to bear.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 10:31 AM :: 8 comments

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