A Cry in the Dark

Sunday, January 28, 2007

waiting for the other shoe to drop....

Last week wasn't too bad, for a change. I was actually more stressed about completing my mid-term essay than anything going on at work. But there is the meeting being held tomorrow that I wasn't invited to. I'm still not certain what information they plan to work with, as no one has told me that either. Oh, well! I'll just keep chugging along until it dawns on the Power That Be that I can't read his mind. He's the one who said we have no process, after all....

(OK. Is it nasty to think this whole thing is funny? He's looking pretty foolish to my boss and everyone else who is involved in this matter. After all, it's taken three weeks for him to announce the meeting and he hasn't invited all the right players to attend. *giggle* For someone who wants to preside over the process, he's not off to a very good start....)

On a good note? My old boss (the one who was phased out) got a new job last week! WOO HOO! He's a VP of Sales again. So far, about six of us that I know of have already purchased stock in the company. After all, we know what he did here. There is no doubt he will do the same thing there. (And, yes. He has my home phone number, personal address and personal e-mail if he wants to contact me about a job offer. :D )

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:55 PM :: 2 comments

Post a Comment


Thursday, January 25, 2007


Heard on TV:

“Jealousy is all about losing one you love. There is no greater fear than that.”

Sometimes profound statements come from those Star Trek shows.....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:35 AM :: 3 comments

Post a Comment


Monday, January 22, 2007

i double-dog dare ya....

Go on! You know you want to! It's fun!

Here I am....

Go here if you want to play! Become an M&M

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:57 PM :: 6 comments

Post a Comment


Saturday, January 20, 2007

public humiliation.....

I was talking with a friend about a scene He engineered. It included public humiliation, which is something I admit to finding a bit distasteful. Things didn’t quite go as planned and we had (and continue to have) quite a bit of discussion about it.

Why is public humiliation so difficult? I think part of it boils down to a fear of being laughed at or mocked by others. Having experienced this frequently while growing up, I know how painful words or sniggers can be. I felt that part of what He was asking me to do would invite others to look at me and make those whispered comments to themselves. Is it vanity that makes it so difficult? I don’t really think so. I know I’m not a raving beauty, but I do try to look presentable when I’m in public.

Something from the movie “The Birdcage” made me think about these feelings again. When Nathan Lane’s character was preparing to meet the prospective in-laws, he initially planned to do so as the son’s uncle. He dressed in a very neat suit, doing his best to look the part he felt he had to play. When it became obvious he was failing in his efforts, his pain-filled remarks touched my heart. He talked about dressing like everyone else and trying to look like everyone else. No matter how hard he tried, he would never fit in.

Maybe that’s what public humiliation really boils down to for me. I try to fit in, fade into the background, and not be noticed in the crowd. Forcing me out of that role makes me very uncomfortable. I become obvious. Instead of being part of the chorus, I am now on center stage. There is no way to escape the eyes of all those strangers, no place to hide from the looks, and no privacy for my embarrassment.

I managed to do as He required. It was extremely difficult and I know I was wooden and not as responsive as He wished. The “fight or flight” urge was so high, I wasn’t able to focus on anything else. Everything I had in me was struggling to continue to follow His directions and not a) begin screaming at Him like a shrew, or b) running back to our place and breaking down into hysterical tears.

While I did as He asked, my service that night was not freely given with an open heart. I feel as though I failed in the task He set for me. The up side of the experience? I know I can do better. I did manage to put my fears to the side enough to follow His instructions. He learned more about an area I struggle with. Best of all, it has led to some great discussion between us. Not every scene can go perfectly, but there can be a perfect ending to every scene.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 8:24 PM :: 5 comments

Post a Comment


Thursday, January 18, 2007

public scenes.....

One of the topics I had a chance to discuss while I was in London was public scenes. Admittedly, this is an area that I find fascinating but can NOT imagine doing. It was very interesting to hear from a couple of submissive friends how they viewed it and how it works for them.

Part of it, if I understood correctly, has to do with having other people see how much they can (or will) take for their partner. The energy from the crowd feeds both participants, allowing them to go to a greater emotional height while in the scene. The higher the emotions, the more intense the scene. That intensity is a bit addictive, leading to more public activity in order to reach that so-called “Nirvana” of sensation.

I truly admire those who can put their inhibitions away (or have a lack of them) and perform in public. Is it something you can learn? Or is it just inherent in the person?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:35 AM :: 3 comments

Post a Comment


Tuesday, January 16, 2007

things that intrigue me.....

I’ve decided to make a list of some things that intrigue me. Please understand that NOT everything given is something I’d want to experience. However, others have written or spoken so eloquently on these topics that I find myself wanting to know more.

~Needle play
~Puppy training
~Public scenes
~Enema play
~Medical play

Admittedly, this isn’t a comprehensive list. These are the topics I find myself thinking about in those free moments. If you have any experiences you’d like to share, reading recommendations or suggestions, please feel free to let me know!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:25 PM :: 2 comments

Post a Comment


Monday, January 15, 2007

never in my dreams....

I had read about it, but never EVER thought it could happen to me. It did! Yay!

I actually had an orgasm from nipple play. It was AWESOME! Now, I will admit that it may have had something to do with the position we were in. (No, I’m not going to share that!) Or it may have been how horny I was for Him in that moment. I thought it might be the latter, so we repeated the experiment again and know what? IT HAPPENED AGAIN!

Who doesn’t like learning a new way to have orgasms? :D

Posted by WistfulWench :: 2:14 PM :: 2 comments

Post a Comment


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

working back into my routine....

Well, I get to stay home this month! Yay! (OK.... I'm going to miss seeing all my friends in Chicago, but it's really nice to be in one place for a whole month!)

It's so hard to get back into my normal routine. I feel like I'm struggling to get everything done and get back on track. I have made it to the gym twice this week, so that's good. I'm not doing so well at doing school work in advance, though. I was going to work on that this weekend and just got a notice that the school site will be down. Darn! Guess I'll try to pull everything off over the next couple of days so I can still get some work done.

I have started making a list of some things I want to blog about. There just hasn't been time to put those thoughts into a cohesive form, yet. Don't worry though! A couple of them keep coming up in my mind, so I have no doubt I will plague you all with questions galore in the near future!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:58 PM :: 2 comments

Post a Comment


Tuesday, January 09, 2007

troubled dreams.....

I guess you could say you're having problems sleeping when you're actually dreaming about having problems sleeping.....

Is it the weekend yet?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:29 AM :: 7 comments

Post a Comment


Sunday, January 07, 2007

a friend in need.....

A friend of mine is going through a very difficult time right now. Her relationship has taken a negative turn and she has recently found out that she may have a serious medical issue to deal with.

Would those of you who pray please add my friend "L" to your prayers for the next few days? If you don't pray, would you please send her a virtual hug?

I know she will appreciate it....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:44 PM :: 7 comments

Post a Comment


Saturday, January 06, 2007

a needed confirmation.....

It’s been a really rough week. Today, I was in a downward spiral. Why do I try? Why do I fight? It would be easier to just give up, walk away, and try to begin again.

He saw that. Mere moments into our conversation tonight and He knew that all was not right in my world. There was no hiding from the discussion, that was clear. I would not be allowed to hide from the subject, dodge the issues, or change the topic. His decision was binding and He told me that. In terms I could not deny.

I am truly blessed. There is no denying that. He knows me. He does not allow me to hide the things from him that I wish He was not burdened with. He will not allow me to carry those concerns alone. Words elude me. Tears come to my eyes. The agony of the last couple of days has thrown me into a depressive loop I could not break out of. His words, His instructions won’t allow me to stay there. The strength He shares, and the love He offers, gives me the ability to put it into a manageable perspective.

I wish He were closer. At times, I feel as though I am a burden to Him with the need I have for His guidance. Every time, He knows exactly what to say, what to do to pull me out of it.

Even though I could not physically feel His touch tonight, He gave me that confirmation I needed. I am His. Completely. Totally. Absolutely.

Thank you, sweetest Master. Thank you for knowing the mind of your slave. Thank you for understanding what she needs. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for your love.

Thank you, my most adored One.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 10:34 PM :: 5 comments

Post a Comment


Thursday, January 04, 2007

need a laugh?

I think we've all felt like we had this job at one time or another....

sitting duck

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:23 PM :: 2 comments

Post a Comment


Tuesday, January 02, 2007

you must become part of the solution....

It's the first workday of 2007. When I got to the office today, I decided to print out my mantra for this year and post it on my monitor, my laptop and one of the cabinet doors. Already, I'm struggling to keep to it....

The first work day of 2007 and already the stress is high. People are trying to throw me under the bus.... So far, my new boss is questioning why some of these topics are being brought up now. After all, if I were such a difficult employee, then why would I still be around? Why would my last performance evaluation be written in such glowing terms? Why would so many departments still be looking to me for answers to their questions?


I only hope this is not an indication of how this whole year is going to go....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:39 PM :: 11 comments

Post a Comment