A Cry in the Dark

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Bollywood and BDSM....

MasterSpanker33 did a wonderful posting about Bollywood (**Dark Eyes and Forbidden** ) which got my mind spinning. That posting was the topic of a fantastic conversation with TCGuy58 . Things finally came into focus for me while talking about it. Alas, when I got back to my hotel, the blue screen of death showed up on my laptop and that coherency flew into the ether....

The allure of Bollywood still fascinates me. I think it’s because I see so much of that same eroticism in D/s relationships. It’s the unknown, the fantasy, calling out to the participants. With Bollywood, the sexual tension is raised and minor glimpses are given via dream sequences. Because of the taboo nature of public expression, the mildest of scenes leads to explosive imagery. After all, who is to say where that kiss will lead? What follows is limited only by the imagination of the viewer.

I find that same erotic tension even in simple day-to-day actions with Sir. When He uses my nickname or has THAT voice, it creates a flare within me. There is that same dream-like quality to the moment. Where will He take me? Are we going into those forbidden realms? So many activities that society has deemed perverted are explored and reveled in. Is that part of the excitement of going there? Because we know it is dark and dirty?

I love the way MasterSpanker33 describes Bollywood with his erotic scale schematic:

Forbidden = Quadruple the excitement
Exotic = a new treat, never opened
Repressed Sexuality = A need to release theirs and, by extension, our own
Foreign = Ecstasy never before experienced

The scale would be my own for a D/s relationship. Exploring the forbidden, which is more exotic than the norm. A release of our repressed sexuality in order to meet societal norms leads to foreign emotions.

Thank you, MasterSpanker33 for such a powerful posting. It is one that is still tumbling around in my thoughts....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:01 PM :: 3 comments

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Monday, October 29, 2007

on the agenda....

Well, I have another trip to Chicago all planned. I’ll be heading out there on November 4 and returning home on the 14th. Watch out, Windy City! :D

I think this is going to be my routine for the next few months. While I’m not thrilled about being away from Sir this much, I also accept the fact that I have to be in two places in order to get my job done. It’s difficult. I have friends in Chicago and I ADORE spending time with them. But I also have Sir and my life here and I ADORE being home. When are they going to perfect that cloning technology?

When I get home from this trip, I think I have almost two weeks off for vacation. This was supposed to be for my annual trip to the UK. Unfortunately, my back problems have forced me to cancel this year. :( I’m trying to look at the positive side, though. I’ll have time to help Sir work on the house and also have time to work ahead on school assignments. There will also be plenty of opportunity to cook meals for Him and fill His freezer. Am I a bad girl if I wish Sir would be laid off for a couple of days while I’m on vacation?????

(Just kidding!)

(Not really....)

I’ve got a new laptop, so I should be able to keep up with everyone a little better on this next trip. No more blue screen of death! YAY!!!!!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:58 PM :: 4 comments

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Sunday, October 28, 2007

foot fetish is getting worse....

A couple of years ago, I wrote about how my little Smokey has a foot fetish. I’ve had to accept the fact that it is now worsening....

Sir caught him trying to crawl into one of His shoes the other night. Last night, I caught him lying on Sir’s shoes, with his little head lying right over the opening....


Is this a hint for me to leave out a pair of shoes for him when I’m away?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 8:21 AM :: 3 comments

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Saturday, October 27, 2007

a perfect moment....

I’ve been sitting here this morning, drinking my coffee, reading blogs, listening to the rain pattering on the gutter, and hearing those soft snores coming from the next bedroom....

It’s a perfect moment for me.

I’m living the fairy tale I dreamt of. He is here. Everything is quiet. No noise from the neighbors or the parking lot. It’s easy to imagine being on an island. Just us. Well, us and the cats....

I wish there was a way to take a picture of right now. Instead, I have to try to remember how content and at peace I feel.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 11:19 AM :: 2 comments

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Sunday, October 14, 2007

lucky me!

I’ve been in a frenzy the last few days trying to get ready to go to Chicago. This trip will have me there for ten days. Guess what? This lucky girl is going to get to meet another new blogger! (Not someone who is new to blogging, but a blogger I haven’t met yet....)


Why is it that the new system transition has to happen at the same time I have to complete my final term paper? Combine that with the back problems and you can see that I have a mess on my hands.... *sigh* It will all get done eventually. Sleep is NOT a requirement, is it?

There was originally a series of trips planned, with the first one scheduled in mid-August. At that time, I was a bit uneasy with how Sir and I would handle the separations. It wasn’t something I could verbalize, because I didn’t really understand why it was creating anxiety for me. In a way, it was a blessing to go through all these issues with my back. I learned so much about Him and His commitment to me. We’ve had some conversations that were eye-opening for me. Some of those demons that have haunted me were put to rest because of those discussions....

Two months ago, I was dreading our separation. Today, I can look at it as a necessary evil that is part of my job. He accepted that fact when He collared me. I’m finally coming to terms with the separation anxiety I was feeling. I just wish I could figure out why I had been feeling it and hope it doesn’t visit me again....

So, watch out, Chicago! The WistfulWench storm is heading your way....


Posted by WistfulWench :: 8:14 AM :: 4 comments

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Thursday, October 04, 2007

the details really do matter....

Another posting in the saga of my understanding and accepting limits.... (Said VERY tongue in cheek!)

I was a VERY lucky girl and got a mid-week visit from Sir. As we were drinking coffee this morning, I was writing down the little list of all the things I needed to get done today. Of course, I’m talking to myself about them as I write them down.... Call about medical bill, balance check book, did I remember to generate the auto payment for the rent? Oh, crap! Better check that I paid all the bills that came in last week while I’m there. Laundry....

Me: Laundry. Two loads is OK today, right?
Him: What would make you think that?
Me: Well, the therapist said yesterday to start working back up to normal activities and it’s really only 1 load and 1 small load.
Him: And?
Me: *starting to get the not-so-subtle hint* But I have the dirty sheets to wash since we changed them last night and it’s really only one full load because the other one is small but i have to do the small load because all my sweats are dirty and i have physical therapy tomorrow and the therapist did say to..... Yes, Sir. One load.

There is a serious point to sharing this. The details in conversations DO matter. What I learned this morning is that Sir and I have a very different view point on reducing the work load and taking it easy. My definition was not cleaning the whole apartment in one day and His was doing one load of laundry. That’s a BIG difference.

I’m just glad I learned we had such different views BEFORE it got me into trouble!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:45 PM :: 6 comments

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Monday, October 01, 2007

hit right between the eyes with a blind spot....

You know.... I really want to think that Sir and my parents are having conversations behind my back. That’s the easiest way to explain why they all keep saying the exact same things to me lately.

Of course, it couldn’t be because I have this big blind spot, could it?


OK. I have no choice but admit to it. It’s one of those things I was alluding to when I said saying, “Yes, Sir” and embracing something are quite different. He’s been getting quite a bit of that “Yes, Sir” lately. And I really have meant it! I wouldn’t go against His specific instructions on things, but I have been chomping at the bit to be released from some of the restrictions. Now I am having to learn to embrace those limits. To accept the fact that I am NOT superwoman, no matter how hard I have tried to convince myself (and others) that I am.

I read something today In the Valley of DevNovo that really resonated with me. It’s a reason, not an excuse. That statement just hit me between the eyes. I’ve been ignoring this blind spot of mine because it felt like I was using it as an excuse. I hate excuses for not doing things that need to be done. And I especially hate it when I see myself doing it. Yes, like most people, I take a day here and there and DON’T do the things I know I need to do. And I tell myself that we all need a lazy day in order to recharge the ole batteries. It took me a long time to truly embrace the reality of that statement and accept that it isn’t an excuse.

When Sir and I were talking about this topic yesterday, I was trying to make a joke about it. You know.... Trying to minimize all this and convince myself that things would just go back to normal tomorrow. He kind of looked at me and said, “You really do have a blind spot about all of this, don’t you? Maybe that’s why your parents keep saying the same things I am?”

For today, I am going to try to embrace my inabilities as reasons, not excuses. For today, I am going to work on NOT freaking out about what I’m not getting done. For today, I am going to try to look at ONLY today.

Now, if I can just remember this whole mantra tomorrow....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 2:46 PM :: 5 comments

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