A Cry in the Dark

Monday, October 30, 2006

the fat lady has set the concert date....

She will sing on November 17. I don't think it will be for me, but no answers have been given on that front yet.

It has been determined, by the powers that be, that my boss is not necessary, of no consequence, and can bring no value to the new organization. His last day will be the 17th. Of course I have issues with the way this has been handled. And I have issues with this decision as a whole. A part of me wonders if I'm crazy for wanting to continue employment here. The other part of me says I'm stupid if I don't give it a shot, as there are opportunities I would most likely not find elsewhere.

So, I wonder when they're going to tell me who my new boss is? Maybe they'll actually decide what I'm going to be doing at that time, as well. That would be a win for me as far as I'm concerned!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:40 PM :: 3 comments

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new meme....

Last great book read. If I define “great” as tremendously appreciated, it would have to be any one of the Tom Clancy Op Center series which I’m currently reading again. Or anything by Anne McCaffrey. Or Sharon Green, Elizabeth Moon, Mercedes Lackey, Tanya Huff or Melanie Rawn. Oh! And don’t forget Robert Heinlein.

Last great accomplishment. Keeping my sanity throughout this past year.

Describe your personality. Variable depending on my mood and the weather.

What is your current hobby? Reading, scrapbooking, cross-stitch, plastic canvas, card-making and cooking.

Last compliment received. Hello, gorgeous! Would you like to join me for breakfast?

What are your religious views? That is something personal I will share with those I trust.

Are you into the Zodiac? Not really.

What are you thinking right now? These questions are more difficult than I thought they would be.

What are things you hear from others about you? I don’t think I’m a topic of conversation! lol

Do you have a personal motto or quote? What’s done is done and cannot be changed. You can’t live in the past or in the future. The only moment to live is NOW.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:17 AM :: 5 comments

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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

feeling safe....

I adopted Smooches when she was seven weeks old. She was so tiny when I got her! A whole 1 1/4 pounds of adorable big eyes and fur.

Smooches has always had this thing about being hidden. This teeny, tiny little fur-ball would climb onto my lap and try to hide between my arm and body. You’d see her little butt sticking out while her nose nuzzled into my arm pit. When she was that small, she was pretty well hidden. It doesn’t work as well now, but she still tries! (Imagine 15 pounds of fur trying to hide in my arm pit....)

Hiding like that always made her feel safe. She was in the arms of one who loved her and didn’t need to face the world. I understand that feeling much better than I like.... I need to be wrapped in his arms, resting my head on his chest. His strength and protection from the world felt in that physical warmth....

My world is chaotic and I just want to feel safe....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:53 AM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

off again....

Oh, what a whirlwind life I live these days! I'm off to the airport again in a bit. Another quick trip to Chicago. The stated purpose is to provide support for the data integration. There is, of course, a hidden agenda for this trip.

My boss has been phased out. I am now the only employee in the company who answers to him. While my initial inclination is to say nothing and hope to stay off the radar, he is concerned that taking that path will lead to no employment for me by the end of the year. *sigh* I guess I need to take the bull by the horns and try to have a conversation with some people in Chicago. I'm certain SOMEONE there will want my talents on their team. The question is, who?

I'm behind on comments and reading. I promise to catch up with everyone very, VERY soon! I have some days off next week, so I should be able to work ahead on school and get caught up with everyone here. If anything really fun and exciting is happening, leave me a note here so I can go check it out!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:55 AM :: 0 comments

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Monday, October 16, 2006

sharing a memory....

I love it when we go to the beach. It’s as though the rest of the world melts away, leaving us on an island of our own. No interruptions allowed. You. Me. A vast ocean. A seemingly endless slice of beach. Crying seagulls. The shush of the waves. Peace and serenity. A little bit of heaven to be experienced by mortals.

It felt so easy to feed you lunch. The light-hearted conversation and laughter were so comfortable. When your cold hands slid under my shirt, the shivers were not only from the temperature. You built those internal fires higher and higher, reducing me to a shivering, moaning puddle. The satisfied smirk on your face as you walked away said it all. You were pleased with my response, but chose not to do anything about it at that time.

When you called me over, I did not expect the instructions I received. As I undid your pants, a little voice in my head jabbered away. How could I be doing this? Outside? In full view of anyone who walked by? Was I so certain no one else was around to see me? The voice was drowned out by your obvious arousal. As my lips gently slid over you, it disappeared completely. All I could focus on was you, heeding your instructions, savoring the taste of you, wallowing in the sensations filling me.... Wantonness. Decadence. Arousal. Need. Slut. Your hands in my hair directing the tempo. Ebb and flow, echoing the whispers of the ocean and building the waves of my desire. All too soon, you pulled me away and removed the prize. My frustration had to be visible, but you just smiled and told me to go back to my spot. How could you stop? How could you NOT want me to continue?

On the ride home, you told me why you stopped. If I had known at the time there were two guys at the top of the ridge watching us, I don’t know that I could have done it.... I’m glad that was a test you didn’t give me.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:29 PM :: 7 comments

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Saturday, October 14, 2006

can you become addicted?

Can you become addicted to pain? Can you get to a point where you CAN’T orgasm without it?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:36 PM :: 8 comments

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Thursday, October 12, 2006

that jackhammer is right on my skull....

This is the seventh day Orange and Rockland has been jackhammering outside my bedroom window. It's getting a bit old, to say the least. Especially today.....

I have a horrendous hormone headache. I've taken enough Advil to kill a dog. I might just take enough to kill myself to get rid of the pain. (Not really, you know. I just wish the fuzzy pounding on the edge of my awareness that makes it impossible to keep a coherent thought in my head would STOP!)

Is it justifiable homicide if I go out and strangle him? After all, they have kept me up every single night for the last week. They don't quit until after 9pm. I have to get up between 3:30 and 4am every day. Is it any reason I've been so cranky? (Hormones aside, of course.)

Every time it turns on, I find myself clenching my jaw. I can't get away from the noise, no matter where I go in my apartment. *sigh*

I hate feeling miserable like this.... Just let me get some sleep and wake up to a new reality. Please?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 12:36 PM :: 5 comments

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

verbal constipation....

They are there. Building up behind my teeth. Sticking in my throat. Congregating. Collecting. Creating an impaction that makes it difficult to breathe. The anger wants to lash out, performing violence on inanimate objects in an attempt of appeasement. Slamming doors, banging books, nothing soothes the animal that is caged.

The pressure is building, forcing the words past my lips struggling to hold them in. My mind panics, fearing that the onrush cannot be stopped. Certain things, once said, cannot be taken back. Those syllables are hidden in the now mobile mass. Will the sphincter be able to contain them? Or will it be ruptured as they force an exodus?

If you can’t tell, this is the nice way of writing that there’s a lot of “shit” I’d like to be able to say. Certain things are better left unsaid, but the odor of the stuff being shoveled at me is getting a little rank.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:16 AM :: 7 comments

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Monday, October 09, 2006

as i mature....

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’ve finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I’ve learned that 99% of the time something in your house isn’t working, one of your kids did it.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken away from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:08 AM :: 5 comments

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Thursday, October 05, 2006

time for a reality check?

I read in an industry report today that eBay sold thousands of the new Elmo toy on September 21, the day after it was introduced. The average selling price was around $87. That's more than DOUBLE the store price of $40.

Do people really have so much money that they are willing to throw away more than $40 just to have the "in" toy for their kid? What is the value? What is the lesson for those kids? If it's popular, it's worth spending ridiculous amounts of money?

I just don't get it. I think it's time for some people to do a serious reality check.

Yeah, I also have a problem with big-name shoes, jeans, popular video games and a lot of other things marketed directly to the young audience.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:34 PM :: 9 comments

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006

is change required for a successful relationship?

This is something that’s flitted around in my mind for quite a while. I’ve tried to put it to words more than once, but have never done it well enough to be comfortable posting it. Hopefully, this try will work!

Do you feel as though you are somehow molded by your role in relationship? If you are submissive, do you feel that you change in order to please her/him? If you are Dominant, do you look for your submissive to change?

I’m not really talking about changes that aren’t welcome or something that is in any way detrimental. It’s those habitual actions that creep in or the way you go through your day that I’m questioning. I’ve said before that there are activities He has required. These are positive changes, I admit. Exercising, eating better, getting enough sleep and not allowing work to rule my life are all things that are to my betterment. I’ve also noticed that there are other changes that have crept into my life. While I do still have emotional swings, they aren’t as bad or as long as they used to be. When I’m upset, I’m required to tell him about it and then follow his instructions on dealing with it. Yes, I know! That doesn’t sound like a very big thing, but it is for me. I’ve always had to hide many of my emotions. They would fester and simmer inside until I would literally explode. Unfortunately, for me exploding is usually breaking down in tears and becoming very angry. Not the best way to handle things, I admit! While I still have a difficult time being comfortable with telling him everything, it is getting a bit easier the longer we are together.

I don’t really think it’s just me who does this. I’ve noticed that I do have a tendency to change certain aspects of my life to mirror the wants and needs of the person I am with. The core essence of who I am has never wavered, but it was easy to modify routines or direction based on what the “he” at the time wanted. (OK. Easy is used VERY loosely in the previous sentence!)

There is a part of me that believes this is just part of what makes a relationship successful. Another part is afraid that I am too biddable at times. Yet another inner voice tells me that this is who I am, how I am meant to be, and what I need to be. So, I’m going to step out onto that limb and ask: is change required for a successful relationship?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:43 PM :: 8 comments

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Monday, October 02, 2006

Ask Anakin....

I sent a question to Master Anakin and he has given a wonderful response! Please read his answers to my request here:

Ask Anakin

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:24 AM :: 0 comments

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