A Cry in the Dark

Thursday, August 31, 2006

flying under the radar only works if your boss doesn't have eagle eyes....

You think I'd have learned by now.... My boss is convinced I can do anything. And everything. Even though I've cautioned him many, many times that I am only one person and will NOT work godawful hours again, he keeps dropping projects into my lap. Today, I became the point person for a sub-project that DOESN'T EVEN EFFECT ME!!!!!

*sigh*

Why is it that those who can do get more work dumped on them than three people should be expected to do? And why is it that those who have the worst performance always seem to find a way to wiggle out of the little pieces they are supposed to complete?

Yes, I'm having a tizzy fit. All I've been able to do all day is laugh. Because there's no way I'm meeting one single deadline that's been set.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:49 PM :: 4 comments

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

“why” is a dirty word and how blogging a question can bring enlightening answers....

In my earlier post today, I asked about “Why” and if it was such a bad thing. The comment by his fucktoy brought so much into focus for me.

Why is a negative response, loosely translating to "i don't believe you, prove it" or "i'm procrastinating"

I am required to ask this question at work in everything I do. I’m expected to understand every detail fully. This has crept over into my relationship and I didn’t even realize what I was doing. After reading this portion of her comment, I understand how he sees my asking as disrespectful or disobedient.

I had also lost sight of the fact that he does NOTHING to hinder or hurt me. He holds my best interests at heart in all things. By not complying, I am indicating that I don’t trust him. I have allowed my own fears (and habit) to put a wall there that I did not intend.

There will not always be an answer or reason given. In this test of loyalty and obedience, I have failed miserably. My humblest apologies are offered, sweetest Master. Please know it was never my intention to bring harm to our relationship.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:17 PM :: 3 comments

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understanding why....

I try very hard to act in a manner he finds pleasing. It’s not always easy and I find myself frequently asking him that awful question. “Why?”

I don’t mean to be disrespectful when I ask it. It has a bad habit of slipping out when I least expect it. Add to the mix the fact that I find it so much EASIER to follow his instructions when I understand the purpose behind them.

Is “Why” such a bad question to ask? Isn’t part of pleasing him learning what he wants from me? How do I learn if I don’t understand how his mind works? How do I find joy in my submission when what he’s asking is something that I really don’t want to do? Do I just take pride in the fact that I did it? Do I ignore how it makes me feel or how I may look?


Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:11 PM :: 2 comments

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Monday, August 28, 2006

time flies when you're having fun....

What a fantastic weekend! I got to meet Spring, Pooh and Onehotchic for dinner on Friday! (Talk about one LUCKY girl!) Thank you, ladies, for a fantastic evening!

When I got home, my friend K and her boyfriend were here. They needed to get away for a weekend and I was lucky enough they chose to visit me. So even though it did nothing but rain all weekend, I had a fantastic one! (Who's the lucky girl, again? lol)

The only down side to such a great weekend is knowing the week that's coming. Today is full of meetings that are going to generate TONS of work. And, of course, it's end of month for the long holiday weekend. Oh, well! Guess I'll just have another comp day to have to work in before the end of the year. (I only have 2 1/2 weeks of time off to schedule off as it is!)

Since I have the cottage all lined up for November, guess I'd better get my airline tickets, train tickets and hotel scheduled this week. Since I'm going to be gone over the Thanksgiving holiday, I'll get 1 1/2 weeks in England this time! WOO HOO! C, Starlet and Chelsea, I'll be sending you e-mails with the dates I'm going to have free. I hope to see you all while I'm there!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:44 AM :: 4 comments

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Friday, August 25, 2006

is it attitude or appearance?

Always put your best foot forward.

You should always do your best to look your best.


I have no argument with either statement. I do have questions, though, when I hear them or think about them. Who determines what is best? Is it others? Or is it yourself?

There is a part of me that wants to say that looking good is mostly attitude. (You know.... That whole “you feel good, you look good” thing....) I’ve heard that “you look great” comment when I’ve been wearing sweats, had on no make-up, but felt really good. Good about myself and good about life. Does that mean it’s attitude that generates the best foot forward?

I have one dress that always brings me compliments when I wear it. But I have worn it and not felt that I looked my best. Who is right? Is it really my appearance, rather than my personal feelings, that determine how I look that day?

What I’m going through right now isn’t uncommon, from what I’ve read. Many women who have lost a lot of weight struggle with self-image issues. I know that is what is happening, but I feel as though I’m floundering badly. I’ve always dressed for comfort with little concern about being found attractive. Oh, it was important to look “nice”, but attractive was beyond me. Of course, a couple of recent conversations are not helping, either....

He made a comment to me recently about the need to buy some new clothes. I admit that most of my clothes fit very badly right now. They are too loose and baggy to look good. Some clothes are so large, they don’t look nice at all. (Yes, I’ve tried to quit wearing those!) Then, while talking to a co-worker who has also lost a lot of weight lately, I am told that I’ve always dressed well. She thinks I always looked smart and professional and emphasized my good points. When I jokingly said something about my clothes hanging too much, she laughed. “Yes, it’s obvious you’ve lost weight, but you never look sloppy.”

The thought of buying new clothes throws me into a panic. I don’t have a clue what size I wear any more. What looks good on me? What is attractive? To make it worse, I haven’t reached my goal, yet. I don’t want to spend much at all on clothes I’m going to have to replace in a few months. That creates an internal struggle about even buying ANYTHING at this time. Or, if I’m going to force myself to shop, then why not something that has elastic or is a bit loose so I can still wear it later? Then that whole looking attractive versus looking neat thing comes back into play....

I know there isn’t some magic answer out there. (I wish there was!) Yes, there is some fear about moving towards my goal. I know “who” I am right now. I don’t know “who” that person I’m trying to become is. “That” person has never existed, so there is anxiety about how she will present herself to the world. Admittedly, there is also some excitement about getting to know “her”. She can be whoever she WANTS to be. Since she has never existed, the slate is blank. Maybe cropped tops and short skirts are a viable clothing option for her.

Then again.... Maybe not!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:27 AM :: 9 comments

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

a wonderful wake up call....

Every once in a while, he will surprise me by being on-line early in the morning. Most of the time, we just exchange pleasantries, details of the plans for the day, the dreams of the night before. It's a nice way to wake up.... Not as nice as when he's still lying next to me, but nice!

This morning, I thought it would be the regular chit-chat. Surprise! Hot talk and the web cam gave me a WONDERFUL wake up call! Much better than my usual morning coffee!

(No, you pervs! I'm NOT going to share the details! lol)

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:20 PM :: 3 comments

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

exhibitionism....

Can an exhibitionist be made? Or do you have to be born that way?

I've always been fairly modest and shy when it comes to revealing myself. Oh, I can wear something that is a bit low cut. As long as I have on a good, supportive bra, that is! But bearing myself in public? Bearing myself TO the public? I cringe when I think about it....

It's difficult knowing HE will see me without any clothing to protect me from his eyes. The thought of anyone else seeing me? It's enough to bring me to tears.

Can I learn to be more comfortable showing myself to others? Or is it just a skill that is beyond me?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:48 AM :: 8 comments

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Monday, August 21, 2006

trying to find my rhythm....

I know I just kind of dropped out here. I apologize for that....

For some reason, I seem to have lost my daily rhythm of life. I was only gone for a few days, but I've felt lost and listless since I got back. The funeral was not bad. In fact, it was great to see a cousin I haven't seen in over 30 years. I just feel sort of out of sorts for some reason....

Hopefully, a new week will help me get back into synch. I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, I promise!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:52 AM :: 5 comments

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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

memories....

I remember you making blueberry pies for me.  Instead of using the “canned stuff” you insisted on using everything fresh.  They were wonderful.  Delicious.  I’ve never tasted any near as good....

I remember you supporting my brother’s refusal to eat anything but chicken noodle soup.  Again, everything had to be from scratch.  Hours were spent making the noodles.  The chicken had to be cooked just so.  The seasoning had to be perfect.  He still talks about it 30 years later....

I remember how you would re-arrange mom’s kitchen every time you came to visit.  Did she ever tell you that it was almost two years before she found the pizza pans?  I should have asked....

I remember how you would laugh and blush when you got teased or flustered.  Even when you were in your 80s, I could see the young girl in your heart....

I remember the gentle, loving warmth you always carried with you.  No matter how bad things seemed, you could wrap that love around me and show me that there was hope....

I remember the day you told me you’d rather die than go into a nursing home.  I’m sorry, some days, that you didn’t....

I remember when you told me that you looked forward to your passing.  You were heartbroken that your husband, your sisters and so many of your friends were already gone.  I know you are happy now....

I remember so many wonderful times with you.  Thank you for giving me the memories....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:15 PM :: 7 comments

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

it's not a lot of fun around here....

Well, the results of that big hush-hush meeting are out. Actually, one announcement was made last Tuesday and the other was made on Friday.

They have terminated about 40 people at one location, closed 20 open positions at that same location and terminated about 20 people at the office I work in. My job is still looking pretty safe at the moment, though.

It wasn't a whole lot of fun going to work yesterday. Everyone is in a bad mood and the amount of work required for restructuring our business is going to be tremendous. I'm lucking out, here! While I know what will be required for a good portion of the integration, it doesn't impact my work area. I was nice about it, though. It would be so easy for me to just let the people who need to do the work hang themselves, as none of them recognized the potential impact of some of the decisions. Instead, I made it a point to tell them that certain things needed to be done by specific dates, or the whole house of cards could come crumbling down.

Yes, opening my mouth makes it very easy for them to try to bring me into the project as one of the players. Fortunately, the areas that are critical for a successful transition are NOT in my job description. My boss has already said that he does NOT want me to be involved, as I have my own projects to complete. And, after all, my pay raise this year was what every single other "average" employee received. So why should I bust my ass?

Things just get more interesting by the day....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:55 AM :: 4 comments

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Sunday, August 06, 2006

it just seemed appropriate to post this today....


Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:06 PM :: 4 comments

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Thursday, August 03, 2006

hair color has changed the world....

I was listening to an interview with Nora Ephron yesterday and had to laugh at this statement!  According to her, hair color has changed the world.  Years ago, very few women colored their hair.  Now, almost everyone does and it takes a lot of TIME!  It’s funny, but I have to agree with so much of what she has said.  Once you hit 40, so much of your time begins to disappear to “maintenance” activities.  It’s that whole attempt to look young, feel young, and act young.  

Boy, have I gotten sucked into that lately!  Now, I don’t need to wonder why I have such a lack of time on my hands.  I’m spending so much of it on maintenance!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:43 AM :: 6 comments

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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

ask and ye shall receive....

Are you comfortable asking for what you want?  What if what you want is something you’re not certain he’s interested in?  How to you ask for it then?

There are times I want to ask him to give me pain.  I’m always hesitant to do that, though.  I enjoy the pain, but not really for the sake of hurting.  It somehow brings a focus to the scene.  There is nothing else in my mind at that moment but taking what he is giving.  Accepting it.  Embracing it.  Knowing that every bit of his attention is on me.  Not knowing how far he is going to push it or when it will stop.  Incapable of thought, as every fiber of my being gets caught up in sensations....

Is it something I need?  Not as much and not in the same way that I need his gentleness.  His strength and guidance give me so much more than I thought I could ever have in relationship.  

What if it’s not really the pain that I’m wanting?  What if it’s humiliation?  Anal?  Fisting?  Objectification?  Is it even the activity that’s important?  How do I know if it’s the scene or his absolute attention I desire in that moment?  

How do you learn to ask for what you want?  Or should you ask?  Is a “good” submissive supposed to only accept what her Master is willing to give?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:49 AM :: 5 comments

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