A Cry in the Dark

Saturday, September 30, 2006

sorry i missed your tag, MG!

I can’t believe I missed this! Better late than never, though! (Right?)

1) My ex is: still somewhere in the US, I think.
2) I am listening to: Produce Pete.
3) Maybe I should: get dressed!
4) I love: more things than would fit in this blog.
5) My best friend: is Him.
6) I don't understand: so many things! Why do you think I’m always asking questions?
7) I lose: all control with Him.
8) People say: whatever it is they say. Maybe I should listen a bit more?
9) The meaning of my screen name is: that I’m wistful. It used to be that I was looking for the right One. Now it’s that I can’t be with him as much as I need to be.
10) Love is: what makes the world right.
11) Somewhere, someone is: celebrating.
12) I will always: be the best person I can be.
13) Forever seems: to be a blink in time.
14) I never want to: lose sight of who I am.
15) My cell phone is: usually off unless I’m on call for work.
16) When I wake in the morning: I have to have my coffee before I’m awake.
17) I get annoyed when: people don’t do their own work.
18) Parties are: more fun when they’re small and intimate.
19) My dog is: hmmmm. Don’t have one any longer.
20) Kisses are the worst when: there is nothing behind them.
21) Today I did: nothing except for reading blogs so far.
22) Tonight I will: do whatever He tells me to do.
23) Tomorrow I will be: taking care of whatever doesn’t get done today!
24) I really want: happiness, peace and joy in my life.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 8:38 AM :: 7 comments

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Thursday, September 28, 2006

i have a question....

I have a bit of a, shall we say, problem....

The skin on my nipples is very, very delicate. It takes very little to cause tearing or rawness. Even a lace bra will cause me to have sore nipples in a short period of time. (I can get around it by wearing one that is lightly lined, thank goodness!)

Is there any way to “toughen” up my nipples?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:55 PM :: 7 comments

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

which comes first?

OK, ladies.... I have a serious question for you.

Which do you select first when getting dressed in the morning? Your bra or your top?

We all know you can't really wear a dark bra under a light top. And patterns can also be an issue.

So.... Which one do you choose first?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:48 AM :: 13 comments

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

some good news!

If you don't travel very often, it probably isn't that important. However, I was THRILLED to hear that the regulations on carry-on items has been relaxed as of tomorrow! WOO HOO!!!

These last couple of trips showed me just how spoiled I've become. I don't mind checking my luggage. In fact, I usually do. It's too much of a pain to drag a bag through the airport and getting it into the overhead with my back is NO fun. Why is this such good news, then?

Flying without my bottle of water has KILLED me! I'm sorry.... One little teeny, tiny, miniscule little cup of water does NOT make me a happy camper....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:47 AM :: 0 comments

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Sunday, September 24, 2006

what good is love without passion?

I had a long talk with a friend the other night. This is someone I’ve always been a bit envious of. Not in a bad way! It just seemed as though she had it all. A beautiful house, nice car, enough money to do what she wanted when she wanted, a loving husband, great looks and personality plus. Our talk confirmed some things I had thought, but never voiced to her.

She loves her husband. And he loves her. There has never been any question of that, and there never will be. This love, though, has no passion. For her, he was safety. The previous marriage almost destroyed who she was. Her ex kept reaching out to her after the divorce, trying to reel her in again. She really struggled to survive, but it seemed he held all the cards. When she met her current spouse, he quickly threw a mantle of protection over her. No longer was she forced to cave into the demands of the ex. He lost his power over her and her life. The new man in her life offered her a safety she had never known. From this grew a love and respect that has been cherished by both of them.

The lack of passion didn’t bother either of them for many years. Honestly, I don’t think it bothers him at all. She has been struggling with it for a while, though. There is no way she would ever do anything to hurt him, but she is feeling empty in her life. All her energy gets channeled into the various projects she works on. The gratification of achievement is not enough. Her successes leave her lost. And most people will never know, because she won’t allow her husband to feel any hurt.

Our conversation has really stuck in my mind. What good is love without passion? Yes, it’s wonderful to know that you mean so much to someone. But how do you find joy when the relationship leaves you feeling so tepid? Where do you find the zest to continue on, to keep trying?

I used to envy this friend for the life it looked like she had. Now, my heart goes out to her. I may not have all the things she does. But I do have passion in my life. And that’s something I won’t give up.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 11:39 AM :: 4 comments

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Saturday, September 23, 2006

i admit.....

Bravo has me hooked! I watch every single Project Runway episode.... And now I can't wait for the new Top Chef series.

OK! Call me masochistic!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:51 PM :: 3 comments

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Saturday, September 16, 2006

a new "do" for a new iteration and another trip....

Five hours at the salon today, but it was SOOOO worth it! It's a new "do" for a new iteration of me.... Feeling good about myself to say the least!

Another trip to Chicago is on the agenda. I fly out tomorrow and get to come home on Wednesday. Keep your fingers crossed that it all goes smoothly! I've requested next Thursday, Friday and the following Monday as vacation. I am staying positive that they WON'T cancel my time off!

I know I've been slow keeping up with everyone. I'm sorry! Work and school are conspiring to keep me busier than I wanted to be right now. I promise to catch up while I'm off!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 2:24 PM :: 4 comments

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

with lube or without?

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."


Of course, this could be a FUN job if you’re into anal!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:01 AM :: 3 comments

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Monday, September 11, 2006

why won't the memories stop?

It goes without saying that today was a day of painful memories for so many of us. Why, after five years, does my chest still hurt, my throat tighten up, and tears spring to my eyes?

While driving to work this morning, I heard the radio personalities reliving that day. Just the sound of their voices brought back vivid images.... The anguish in their voices as they shared the news with their audience. How blue the sky was that morning. How the traffic backed up on the Tappan Zee.... Every driver looking south to the smoke and flames rising into that blue, blue sky.... Pulling into the office and seeing a crowd in the conference room. Someone had pulled an on-line news channel onto the video screen so all employees could see what was happening.... An employee from Europe calling us to try to find his son who worked at the WTC because he couldn't reach anyone else.... Hearing about the Pentagon and telling my boss I was going home.... The fear in my family's voices when they finally reached me on my cell phone.... The crowds of people, silent tears, sharing hugs at the grocery store....

Then.... The waiting. Waiting to hear if friends were safe. Had they made it out? Were they on their way home? I knew, as soon as I heard about the Aon offices that one friend would never go home again. I knew she was at work that day.... I didn't need the phone call that confirmed it. A call from the other friend's mother a few days later.... Another one gone in a tragedy that overwhelmed me with pain and confusion. If I felt like this from the loss of two friends, how must their families feel?

I know that time heals all wounds. Five years hasn't been enough to heal this one, though. My heart still bleeds for all those lost. My spirit still aches for those who lost ones they love.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:47 PM :: 2 comments

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Saturday, September 09, 2006

how do you know you’ve hit the limit if you don’t stub your toe?

If you don’t get pushed just a little too far, how do you know your limit has been reached? What if “almost” there isn’t really as close as you think?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:33 PM :: 2 comments

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Friday, September 08, 2006

it would hurt less....

...if I just hacked my own leg off with a blunt, rusty butter knife....

Thank God it's Friday! No matter what, I am NOT going to turn on the laptop tomorrow!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 2:09 PM :: 0 comments

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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

maybe i should have risked it instead of being chicken....

Last week's project for school was to take notes in two different styles. We had to find articles in the library, read them, and write up the notes to hand in.

The little imp in me wanted to see if there were any articles on submission in the library. Did I do that? Nooooooo! I played it safe!

I wonder why I didn't take the chance? After all, it's not like I will EVER meet my instructor in person. Nor is it likely I'll ever meet any of my classmates in person. (Not that any of them would even SEE my project.)

Maybe it's the fact that I wanted that perfect score. Was getting 100% so important that I couldn't take the chance on a silly assignment? Did the instructor even review the articles cited on the project? Would she have even known?

Why does it always seem so much easier in retrospect? Why is taking the chance so hard to do when the time comes?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:02 PM :: 4 comments

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Monday, September 04, 2006

does arousal mean i really want it?

He and I have had this conversation many, many times. Yet the subject manages to come up again and again.

There are many things I can read about (or watch) that will arouse me. Things I am certain I am not interested in at all. Gang bangs, branding, edge play and breath play are some of them. When someone writes about their experiences, I can become very aroused when reading them. It’s also happened while watching videos. I tend to think that my arousal is more from an empathy with the submissive. Seeing them become aroused by the activity sparks my own. The raw sexuality can reach out and create a need that isn’t necessarily linked to the activity. It’s the emotion, not the action, which creates my own arousal.

He contends that there is a yearning for the activity, possibly subconsciously. If I wasn’t interested in participating, then I wouldn’t become aroused. While I concede that may be the case at times, I can’t believe that it is always the case. I shudder at the thought of someone coming near me with a knife. That is an area that is so psychologically sensitive for me that I can’t believe I would ever desire to participate in edge play.

I’m very interested in hearing anyone else’s thoughts on this topic. Has anyone had any experience with this? What was the outcome?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:11 PM :: 11 comments

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Sunday, September 03, 2006

guess they were bored....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:43 AM :: 2 comments

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Saturday, September 02, 2006

a lesson in discipline.....

Today has been a difficult day. It has opened my mind to so many possibilities that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.

As we frequently do, we were chatting about the plans for today while drinking coffee. When I mentioned I had an appointment at the salon, he initially seemed to pay no attention to that fact. After all, it was nothing different or special, right?

Before signing off, he gave me instructions that had my jaw dropping. I was to insert the small butt plug and leave it in until given permission to take it out. He knew I was leaving the house, but didn’t care. My discomfort was of no consideration. Doing as he said was all that was important.

With great trepidation, I followed the instructions. As I walked to my car, my gut was churning. The pressure while sitting and driving only increased my awareness of how slutty my behavior was. I felt as though I had a bright red “S” tattooed on my forehead or a sign flashing above me. As I sat in the salon, surrounded by women chatting about their lives, I was amazed that no one stared or pointed their fingers at me. The sensations were incredible.... I am certain I was oozing pheromones of sexuality, depravity, and wanton abandonment. Sitting there, strange thoughts flashed through my mind. Things I’ve wondered about, but always pushed away. Thinking of how it would feel to have him cram his fist into my pussy. Wondering what it would feel like to have him hold my arms pulled behind my back, chest thrust out, inviting others to fondle, pull, pinch, and torture my tits. Thinking about having all my holes filled at the same time, being a play toy for multiple masters. As I fought to sit still, I reminded myself to be grateful that it was the small plug I was told to insert. My underpants soon became saturated with the liquid leaking from my pussy. My nipples were hard the whole time the plug was in. I’m still struggling to find words to describe the mixed feelings of humiliation, depravity, submissiveness, sensuality and others I can’t even name....

He has been using the anal plug more frequently of late. While I adore the reminder of his control of me, his ownership of every bit of me, today leaves me wondering what is in the future. I feel unsettled and floaty at the moment. Today is something I could never have seen myself doing. Right now, though, I want more, more, more! A part of me is afraid to vocalize that, as I know he will keep it in mind and use it to push me further. The other part of me has to admit to the truth.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 1:50 PM :: 2 comments

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