A Cry in the Dark

Sunday, September 30, 2007

just a quickie....

Thank you, so much, for all the wonderful messages I got when I went into my YIM! I can’t even begin to tell you all how much those warm thoughts meant to me....

For those of you who read my blog on Alt, could I ask a big favor? Uniquejam could use some hugs and warm wishes right now..... Please pop over and let her know you care?

I’m FINALLY off all the major pain medications and just on the Lyrica for now. Wow! How amazing it is to finally feel like I’m not struggling to put two words together! Now, that doesn’t mean I’m anywhere back to normal yet, as if I ever was! lol But it does mean that I think I can finally get some things done that have just been beyond my abilities the last week plus.

This week’s objectives? First of all, I have to find all the notes I wrote last week (because who knows where I put them all!) and consolidate them into a single, coherent list of things I need to get done. I’m still on restrictions by Sir, so no grocery shopping on my own, a limit of one load of laundry at a time, and no house cleaning. *sigh* I gotta find that piece of paper that has the number of the house cleaner on it QUICKLY!

OK. Just because I know I’m still a bit scatter-brained, I’m writing down some of the things I want to write about. MasterSpanker33 has written some great postings about Bollywood that have thoughts running around in my head. Some of those need to be put into some form of coherency. I’ve learned quite a bit about Sir’s love, more than I *thought* I understood. These are things that are still running around in my mind and settling into my heart. I want, so badly, to write about that. Mostly because it’s finally dawning on me that I can be loved in the way I always thought would never be possible. There’s a big difference between saying “Yes, Sir” and embracing what is being said. It’s a lesson that is worming its way into my mind, and I need to get some of that out.

Guess this wasn’t such a quickie, was it?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 12:53 PM :: 3 comments

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Saturday, September 29, 2007

feeling like a spoiled little girl....

Well, the second epidural went much better yesterday. While it was much more painful than the first one, it was also easier to manage.

I had to go back onto serious pain medications last week. I had wanted to decrease them as the week went by, but Sir insisted that I stay on the total dosage until after the epidural. It was His hope that being drugged and more relaxed would make the experience easier on me.

OK. I have to admit that He was right! (When is He ever wrong? I'd really like to know...) The specialist was able to get further down into the nerve root than last time and the pain, while intense, didn't last nearly as long this time. Even better is that I don't feel like I got hit by a truck this time. The drugs kept me relaxed enough that I didn't tighten up all my muscles this time. While I'm still hoping there won't be a third injection, I have to admit that my fear of the procedure has been reduced tremendously. (Thank you, Sir!)

When I got home last night, He was already here. I was made comfortable on the couch and He ordered dinner in rather than either of us doing any cooking. One final dose of the heavy hitter pain meds and then off to bed....

My instructions for today are to take it easy and get some rest. He knows that I do have some work (job and school) to catch up on, but I'm not to lift anything, no laundry, no cleaning, nothing but the minimal stuff. Of course, I consider catching up on blogs to be minimal, right?

I'm feeling like a spoiled little girl right now.... And I admit to loving every single second of it!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 8:21 AM :: 6 comments

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Thursday, September 27, 2007

everything in slow motion....

I don’t know why I’m having such a struggle today. It feels as thought it takes a tremendous effort to do anything. The medications are making me dizzy, so walking across the room means looking like I’ve had a few too many drinks. By the end of the day, I’ll probably have a dozen bruises on my legs that I’ll have no memory of getting!

I’m just exhausted. Every time I lie down, it’s a struggle to work instead of falling asleep. There’s so much work to get done, and I’m falling further and further behind....

Of course, I’m getting more and more anxious about tomorrow. The procedure is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, so I get to stress about it all day. *sigh* I keep trying to stay positive about it, but I’m dreading the pain.

This time, I decided to go ahead and stay drugged until after I’m home. Maybe that’s part of my problem. I’m so medicated that I just can’t function. Talking with Sir last night, we came to the conclusion that trying to tough it out didn’t work last time, so I need to try something different this time.

I hate being so cranky like this. It’s depressing. I feel like I’m standing beside myself and seeing a person I really don’t like. When will this hell end?

He gave me a surprise visit by coming over the other night. It is still putting a smile on my face today. I’ll see Him tomorrow, so all should be right in my world....

Have I mentioned that, on top of everything else, I’m having a really bad hair day?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 1:13 PM :: 3 comments

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Tuesday, September 25, 2007

today's dilemma....

Well, my morning has started off a bit surprisingly. I thought the most difficult decision today would be whether or not to make tuna to go with my whole wheat bagel. For some reason, I've been having this craving for a few days. So, throwing caution to the wind, I mixed up the tuna with some green olives and mayo. Toasted the bagel, melted a slice of cheese, slathered on tuna and am in heaven!

Since I'm on medications that make me a bit woozy, I've been watching my step a little more carefully these last few days. Tripping over a string on the carpet is painful, so I am on the constant lookout for them. Thank goodness! As I opened my door to go to the laundry room, I see a two foot deep hole in the place where my step was. *sigh* While I'm thrilled the complex management has decided to repair some of the major issues here, it would have been nice to have received notification of those repairs. I am so glad I didn't just step out the door without looking.... The last thing I need right now is to take a major fall!

Now to my most recent dilemma for the day. I just received an e-mail from a member I've never corresponded with. Here's this gist of it:

Date: Sep 25, 2007 5:22 AM EST
Subject: For a fat woman, you sure talk a lot.
Body of said e-mail: !!

Now, I'm not one to use the Report Abuse button or send complaints to Alt about other people. In fact, I try very hard to reply to all e-mails I receive in a friendly manner.

My initial reaction is to send him a response such as, "Thank you for your perspective. May you find exactly who you deserve in your search here."

Another thought is to let Sir respond. But that just kind of feels wrong, as I'd prefer He not be distracted by insults of this nature.

Of course, the bitch in my head is thinking of all kinds of nasty things to say. I'd rather not let her loose, as I don't want to let something so minor escalate.

The final option is to just ignore this.

What would you do?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 12:07 PM :: 10 comments

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Monday, September 24, 2007

tap, tap, tap....

He has a way of finding my buttons and then tapping on them. During a conversation, He will find something I’m uncomfortable with and just “tap” on it. We’ll talk about it for just a moment or two, then He changes the subject.

Some time later, maybe a week, maybe three, He’ll tap on that button again. It’s always the same. A quick tap, talk for just a bit about it, then move on.

I’m finding that the tap, tap, tap on those topics is having an unexpected effect. Something He had touched on several months ago is now beginning to intrigue me. It’s surprising, as it was always something I had thought I could never be interested in.

When I asked Him about the method He was using, He just smiled. *grumble* I have to admit that I love the way He puts these thoughts into my mind and then removes the initial visceral reactions. They become topics I can begin to consider rather than just shuddering from the thought and hastily discarding it from my mind.

Of course, you know me! I can’t be happy with just accepting that He’s found a way to get me to truly consider these topics. I have to understand WHY this is working. Is it because He’s not pushing the thoughts down my throat? Is it the way He just lightly touches on the topic then moves away from it? Could it be the fact that He’s getting me to think of these things in a different light with no pressure?

Following on those questions are others. Is this maybe a way for me to overcome some of the things I fear? Would this tapping work to help me deal with edge play? Could it be that being exposed to it more would remove that anxiety I always feel?

I admit that I’m not completely comfortable with some of the thoughts I’m having. But there are some things that are beginning to have an appeal. Things I had always shied away from. Certain activities begin to pop into my mind and I have begun to WANT those experiences.

I have begun to look forward to that tap, tap, tap into my mind....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 9:23 AM :: 3 comments

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Sunday, September 23, 2007

asking for help....

As is obvious from yesterday’s posting, I have had a little bit of a melt down. It was good, in a way. Some very hard truths have been put in front of me and I have been smacked in the face with some hard realities.

No, I have not yet been punished for my actions. I know the generalities of what will occur, but I also get to deal with the knowledge that it will not happen until I am healthier.

Last night was the lecture. I had to hear and admit to things I have not wanted to face. This morning, I got another lecture. Surprisingly, that one was from my mom. If I didn’t know better, I would have to say that she and Sir were in cahoots. She echoed so many of His words that it was eerie....

I have always been the one who was there for others. Asking for help is not something I have ever had to do. In fact, it is abhorrent to me to think I may have to ask someone for help. Like a naughty puppy, I have had my nose rubbed in the mess I have created. It’s not a good feeling.

Denial. This is the crux of my problem. I have been refusing to accept my situation. I have been continuing to insist on doing it all. I have not acknowledged the fact that I must slow down (or stop) in order to fix the problem with my back. I have put on the blinders and just forged ahead like nothing is wrong.

Last night, He told me what my punishment will be for my behavior. I also learned what will happen if I continue down this path. I completely lost it and broke into uncontrollable sobs. What He has been saying to me for weeks finally sank in. I have to face the fact that, for now, I am disabled. I can’t do it all. And I have to put my pride away and ask for help. It’s an area of control I was trying to hold on to.... I’m finally realizing that.

Mom hit home with a very uncomfortable truth this morning. Without knowing anything about what REALLY was said last night, she made a comment that brought me to tears again. It was something so simple, but I just couldn’t see it. She said that I have to trust Him to take care of me.

*smacking head....*

I have told Him, several times, that I trust Him. Yes, it was always when we were talking about a specific situation. But if I trust Him in those matters, why have I not realized that I also need to trust Him in something so basic as looking out for me?

Right now, I feel like an idiot. Is it really so hard to ask for help? Why did I resist His suggestions and offers of help last night? More of His statements from last night are popping into my head right now....

“You are mine. It is my responsibility to take care of you.”

The more I think about my actions and what drove me to them, the more embarrassed I am. Instead of being frustrated about living in a dirty home, I should have asked for help. *sigh* Why couldn’t I see that a week ago instead of getting so worked up about it?

This whole situation has been difficult in so many ways. The frustration had just built up to a level where I literally lost it. Fortunately, He understands what drove me to this point, and has made certain I understand that this behavior is not acceptable. It's been a good thing, even though I did such a bad thing.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 11:52 AM :: 3 comments

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Saturday, September 22, 2007

being disobedient....

Well, as in so many things in my life, I have taken one step forward and two steps back again. The epidural I had last week seemed to be working. The aches and pains in my legs were being reduced. The burning sensation has almost completely gone away with the medication. Unfortunately, that all disappeared Thursday afternoon.

I’ve only been in the office for four hours since August 18. While I have been able to get my work done from home, there is something to be said for having that “face” time with my co-workers. Since I seemed to be recovering, I decided to try spending more time sitting as last week progressed. On Monday, I sat at my desk for two hours. No problem! Every day I increased the time, figuring I could get to eight hours and then feel comfortable with going back to the office for a couple of days before going out to Chicago for three or four weeks.

On Thursday, things seemed to be going fine. I was careful to not sit for more than thirty minutes at a time. The instructions I had received from the physical therapist was that I needed to walk around for at least 5 minutes before sitting again. Having been through all of this four years ago, I knew to follow those instructions. Unfortunately, with no warning, at five hours of doing this routine, I went into spasms again. The pins and needles feeling in my left calf, ankle and foot went from barely noticeable to almost painful. I started to have pain in the back of my thigh and left buttock. *sigh* I was back to where I had been three weeks ago.

After spending most of Thursday night and Friday in tears, I caved in and called the specialist. I’m back on Percocet and Valium again. My Lyrica dosage has been doubled. And I’m scheduled for a follow-up epidural on Friday.

As is usual, Sir came over last night after work. His concern for my condition was quite evident. As He left for work this morning, He was very specific in the instructions I was given. Today, I am to do as little as possible in order to take care of my back. While I am quite gratified by His concern, I now have a serious dilemma facing me.

Sir is allergic to cats. As you probably know if you read my blog, I have two. Normally, He has no problem coming here, as I run the sweeper at least once or twice a week and keep the apartment pretty clean. Since the cats sleep with me during the week, I also make certain the sheets on the bed are changed every Friday morning so He will not have to deal with dander on them. The problem? I haven’t been able to run the sweeper for two weeks, as that is one of the big no-no tasks according to my physical therapist. The pain I had yesterday meant I didn’t get the bedding changed. Poor Sir spent the night coughing and having a hard time breathing due to congestion.

I’m going to be disobedient today. I HAVE to run the sweeper and change the bed linens. It is too painful for me to see Him suffering for something that can be fixed so easily.

He had joked with me last week about putting up a posting asking all of you to suggest punishment for transgressions. Since I am intentionally being disobedient, I won’t wait for Him to tell me to make this posting. I will also be sending an e-mail to His Domme friend asking for her suggestions.

I am intentionally and willfully disobeying His instructions to me this morning. Please suggest an appropriate punishment for my behavior. If Sir wishes, I will let you know what He decided to do.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 9:37 AM :: 3 comments

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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

things i’m missing....

The sound of your voice.

The feel of your lips.

Watching TV with you.

Walking down the street holding your hand.

The conversations.

The laughter.

Drinking coffee with you in the morning.

Sliding into bed next to you at night.

Watching you torture the kitties.

Long, slow showers.

These are the things that I miss when you’re not around....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:43 PM :: 2 comments

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Monday, September 17, 2007

do you have to be a sadist?

Living through physical therapy again, this question keeps popping into my mind. Do you have to be a sadist to go into certain professions?

PT is just about as hard as getting a good spanking from Him. The only difference is that I don’t have to say, “Thank you” for the pain....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:15 AM :: 2 comments

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Thursday, September 13, 2007

tidbits....

Yesterday was “D” day for me.

I spent time at the doctor’s office yesterday morning, getting evaluated for physical therapy. While I was waiting, another patient commented on how beautiful my “choker” is.... *grins* I told her that it had been designed specifically for me and that I was very proud to wear it.

The afternoon was spent at the hospital, getting admitted and receiving the epidural. While I was being prepped, one of the nurses commented on my lovely “choker”. She appreciated the unique design and selection of stones to go with the sterling silver.... I thanked her with a big smile on my face.

Thank you, Sir, for designing something so beautiful and wearable. I smile every time someone compliments me on your work....

(Which reminds me! I do have a story to tell about the day I made it to the office. My “choker” was commented on in a manner that will make you laugh!)

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The procedure wasn’t very far along before I remembered why I hadn’t gone back for a second epidural four years ago....

Injecting the numbing medication didn’t phase me. That big-assed needle going into my spine wasn’t an issue at all. It was when the doctor got right up against the nerve root that I lost it. The pain shooting down my leg almost had me screaming! The nurse kept trying to get me to relax, but all I could do was tighten up every muscle in my body to keep from letting out a yell that would be heard through the whole floor! When he began injecting the medicine, I thought my leg was going to explode....

Yesterday, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Every single muscle in my body ached. My leg felt like I had a huge brick wall lying right on my sciatic nerve. I’m surprised I don’t see bruises on my body today. I feel like I was beat up....

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I made the mistake of trying to do laundry today. I’ve only made two trips up and down the stairs and I’m feeling it more than I could ever believe.... The rest of it is just going to have to wait. Thank goodness I have a ton of underwear! I can make it another week without doing another load if I have to....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 8:12 AM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

the meeting....

Well, it happened. I got to meet His friend. You remember.... The one I was so nervous about?

She is marvelous! I got to watch her in a scene with her submissive. She was wonderful to watch, as you could see just how much she was enjoying herself. The concern for her submissive’s well-being was wonderful to watch. It was an amazing event to witness. I only wish it hadn’t been so late so Sir and I could have watched more....

Yes, I was nervous for no reason. But that’s how I am! It was such a pleasure to meet her and get to know a bit about her. Now I can’t wait until we see her again!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 8:36 AM :: 2 comments

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

flashbacks....

Sir and I went to that famous NYC club this past Saturday. A couple of things happened that got me a bit unsettled. I’m still struggling to understand why and how to deal with the situation....

As we came down a short hall, there was a couple huddled up in a corner. When we got closer, I could see her writhing with pleasure as the man drew a blade down the side of her neck. It took a moment for my brain to register what I was seeing. Stomach clenching, I quickly looked away, feeling very unsettled.

Quite a bit later, we were watching a friend set up for some wax play. The Domme walked over to me with a sheath in her hand. Holding it out to me, she said that this was what she used to scrape the wax off. I looked at the sheath, trembling inside. She urged me to pull out the blade, telling me that it wasn’t sharp. Trying to remain dispassionate, I slowly slid it out of the sheath. A small part of my brain was panic-stricken while I held it, admiring the weight of the handle, the balance. As I shifted it back and forth, watching the lights flickering from the blade, she explained how she used it and commented that it was intentionally dull so it wouldn’t cut the skin. I put the blade back into the sheath and complimented her on the beauty of it. And it was beautiful! So why was I feeling so unsettled?

That night, as we were falling asleep, images from twenty-some years ago flashed into my mind. They were so strong at one point I wanted to get up and write it all down.... Writing about it doesn’t help. I’ve tried that. Over and over and over again.... It’s been almost 24 years. Why can’t I get past it? Why can’t those images blur a bit and be less painful?

It was still bothering me on Sunday. We were talking about some of the scenes we had seen on Saturday when it happened. I started crying. Out of nowhere, tears just built up and began to fall. His concern evident, He began questioning me. I don’t know why the whole situation affected me so strongly. Maybe it was the lighting. Or the fact that it was in a basement. (Just writing this has caused my throat to tighten and my chest to hurt. Tears are building again....) This is just so stupid! NO ONE threatened me in any way.... The blades weren’t even sharp!

Why is this happening? I’ve used knives since then. (Of course!) I’ve even held and used a knife just like the one used on me. I know the murderer isn’t even eligible for parole for another 21 years. If he’s even still alive.

How do I get over this irrational fear? How do I STOP this stupid reaction? How do I move past this?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 9:08 AM :: 2 comments

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Friday, September 07, 2007

threesomes....



'nuff said?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 1:58 PM :: 4 comments

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Tuesday, September 04, 2007

poor baby....

Well, I’m back to the office today. My poor little Smokey is going to be heart-broken. He’s gotten so used to me being home all day.... Lap on demand! lol

I’m not at a point where I can sit all day, yet, but I need to get some “face time” in at the office. I’ve herniated another disc and have an appointment with a pain management specialist next week. The recommendation is to perform another epidural injection, which IS good news. (I’m trying to forget that it was the MOST painful procedure I’ve ever had done....) I don’t know how long I’ll be in therapy this time. Hopefully, I can skip that all together, as I didn’t get to same point of disability I was at four years ago.

My poor little baby.... He’s going to have a rough day!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:48 AM :: 0 comments

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Saturday, September 01, 2007

blog anxiety....

A friend of His visited my blog the other day. While I appreciate, more than I can say, the fact that she took the time to visit, I also find myself in a bit of a quandary....

What does she think of me after taking a look? I know He’s told her about me and shared a couple of pictures of me. She is a good friend of His, so I have a bit of anxiety, here. I want her to like me. Don’t ask me why, but it’s important to me that she does.....

It’s strange, actually. I encourage people who read my profile to check out my blog. I figure that gives them more of a picture of who I am. Usually, I think it’s a good thing. Why am I now having an attack of blog anxiety?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 9:03 AM :: 4 comments

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