A Cry in the Dark

Sunday, September 23, 2007

asking for help....

As is obvious from yesterday’s posting, I have had a little bit of a melt down. It was good, in a way. Some very hard truths have been put in front of me and I have been smacked in the face with some hard realities.

No, I have not yet been punished for my actions. I know the generalities of what will occur, but I also get to deal with the knowledge that it will not happen until I am healthier.

Last night was the lecture. I had to hear and admit to things I have not wanted to face. This morning, I got another lecture. Surprisingly, that one was from my mom. If I didn’t know better, I would have to say that she and Sir were in cahoots. She echoed so many of His words that it was eerie....

I have always been the one who was there for others. Asking for help is not something I have ever had to do. In fact, it is abhorrent to me to think I may have to ask someone for help. Like a naughty puppy, I have had my nose rubbed in the mess I have created. It’s not a good feeling.

Denial. This is the crux of my problem. I have been refusing to accept my situation. I have been continuing to insist on doing it all. I have not acknowledged the fact that I must slow down (or stop) in order to fix the problem with my back. I have put on the blinders and just forged ahead like nothing is wrong.

Last night, He told me what my punishment will be for my behavior. I also learned what will happen if I continue down this path. I completely lost it and broke into uncontrollable sobs. What He has been saying to me for weeks finally sank in. I have to face the fact that, for now, I am disabled. I can’t do it all. And I have to put my pride away and ask for help. It’s an area of control I was trying to hold on to.... I’m finally realizing that.

Mom hit home with a very uncomfortable truth this morning. Without knowing anything about what REALLY was said last night, she made a comment that brought me to tears again. It was something so simple, but I just couldn’t see it. She said that I have to trust Him to take care of me.

*smacking head....*

I have told Him, several times, that I trust Him. Yes, it was always when we were talking about a specific situation. But if I trust Him in those matters, why have I not realized that I also need to trust Him in something so basic as looking out for me?

Right now, I feel like an idiot. Is it really so hard to ask for help? Why did I resist His suggestions and offers of help last night? More of His statements from last night are popping into my head right now....

“You are mine. It is my responsibility to take care of you.”

The more I think about my actions and what drove me to them, the more embarrassed I am. Instead of being frustrated about living in a dirty home, I should have asked for help. *sigh* Why couldn’t I see that a week ago instead of getting so worked up about it?

This whole situation has been difficult in so many ways. The frustration had just built up to a level where I literally lost it. Fortunately, He understands what drove me to this point, and has made certain I understand that this behavior is not acceptable. It's been a good thing, even though I did such a bad thing.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 11:52 AM :: 3 comments