A Cry in the Dark

Friday, August 24, 2007

my optimism has taken a vacation....

I didn’t get the news I wanted to hear yesterday. It was my fervent hope that the doctor would tell me that all my pain was due to severe muscle spasms and that life would go back to normal.

*sigh*

What I heard, instead, is that he fears my current herniated disc has either gotten worse, herniated out the other side, or that I have herniated another disc. I’m now caught in the limbo of waiting for my insurance to authorize an MRI so we can see what the “good” news is....

I’m going to blame part of my depression on the drugs. It’s been such a struggle to stay positive over the past couple of days. It seems as though my normal optimistic outlook has taken a vacation. I cried while talking to my parents yesterday and again when talking with Him last night. (This crying at the drop of a hat has just GOT to stop! I hate it!)

Travel restrictions are still in place, so I’m not going to Chicago this week. My apartment is a mess and I have no energy or ambition to do anything about it. Everything is a struggle. This is not like me! I just wish it would stop....

Last night, I got a lecture. Well, He said it wasn’t a lecture, but I feel it was. (Not that I didn’t require it, mind you!) It’s so hard for me to feel as though I’m servicing Him when I’m incapable of doing the things I want to. When He has to go to work, I want to make His coffee and lunch. If He’s coming here for the weekend, I want to have a clean home for Him and a wonderful dinner ready. Those are things that are important to ME. It’s part of how I show Him how much I appreciate Him, love Him, care for Him. I feel as though I’m somehow a failure by not being capable of doing these things.

This is a far cry from His expectations. How do I let go of what I need and embrace what He needs? I have fretted all week about not getting things done and not being ready for Him this weekend. And I know it’s not helping my depression one little bit. (Again, I know the drugs also don’t help here. Fortunately I’m off the Valium and Percocet. Maybe that will make it a bit easier?)

I’m not a good patient. Never have been. It’s so hard for me to NOT take care of everyone else and to let anyone take care of me. Can anyone please, please, PLEASE give me advice on how to handle this better?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 2:45 PM :: 6 comments