A Cry in the Dark

Saturday, January 20, 2007

public humiliation.....

I was talking with a friend about a scene He engineered. It included public humiliation, which is something I admit to finding a bit distasteful. Things didn’t quite go as planned and we had (and continue to have) quite a bit of discussion about it.

Why is public humiliation so difficult? I think part of it boils down to a fear of being laughed at or mocked by others. Having experienced this frequently while growing up, I know how painful words or sniggers can be. I felt that part of what He was asking me to do would invite others to look at me and make those whispered comments to themselves. Is it vanity that makes it so difficult? I don’t really think so. I know I’m not a raving beauty, but I do try to look presentable when I’m in public.

Something from the movie “The Birdcage” made me think about these feelings again. When Nathan Lane’s character was preparing to meet the prospective in-laws, he initially planned to do so as the son’s uncle. He dressed in a very neat suit, doing his best to look the part he felt he had to play. When it became obvious he was failing in his efforts, his pain-filled remarks touched my heart. He talked about dressing like everyone else and trying to look like everyone else. No matter how hard he tried, he would never fit in.

Maybe that’s what public humiliation really boils down to for me. I try to fit in, fade into the background, and not be noticed in the crowd. Forcing me out of that role makes me very uncomfortable. I become obvious. Instead of being part of the chorus, I am now on center stage. There is no way to escape the eyes of all those strangers, no place to hide from the looks, and no privacy for my embarrassment.

I managed to do as He required. It was extremely difficult and I know I was wooden and not as responsive as He wished. The “fight or flight” urge was so high, I wasn’t able to focus on anything else. Everything I had in me was struggling to continue to follow His directions and not a) begin screaming at Him like a shrew, or b) running back to our place and breaking down into hysterical tears.

While I did as He asked, my service that night was not freely given with an open heart. I feel as though I failed in the task He set for me. The up side of the experience? I know I can do better. I did manage to put my fears to the side enough to follow His instructions. He learned more about an area I struggle with. Best of all, it has led to some great discussion between us. Not every scene can go perfectly, but there can be a perfect ending to every scene.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 8:24 PM :: 4 comments