A Cry in the Dark

Sunday, June 11, 2006

today i wish....

I wish he was here today.  I need him so badly, for so many reasons and on multiple levels.

I’m getting over my hurt from the other day.  I know my friend would not have been intentionally malicious.  My initial reaction to betrayal, perceived or actual, is to pull back into my shell and try to protect my feelings.  I’ve been hurt so many times that I go into auto-defense mode.  Something inside me just wants to lash out and hurt that person worse than they’ve hurt me.  Having so many hours just sitting in an airport on Wednesday didn’t help matters at all.  I had nothing to do but mull over the incident.  Of course, it just grows bigger and bigger, more painful by the minute when I don’t have something else to occupy my mind.  By now, I’ve managed to recognize the gigantic proportions I allowed this to build to in my head.  I lost my perspective by feeling hurt.  I’m getting it back, but the process is slower than I would prefer.

I so wish my Master was here today....  He knows how to take me out of my “head” when I get like this.  I need his pain.  I need to have him pushing limits, hard, forcing me to narrow my focus to one little moment of time.  I need to FEEL rather than think.  I need the peace of letting everything go, hearing only his voice instead of the ones that are screaming in my head.  Bound.  Forced into stillness.  No way to run and hide.  No room for anything in my head other than his words, his desires, his pleasure.

On days like this, I feel as though I’m wide open to him.  There is little or nothing I wouldn’t do to please him.  May I grovel at your feet, Master?  May I be humiliated?  May I have the large butt plug?  May I have your fist?  May I have the clamps and the pins and be spanked until I’m bruised?  May I drown in the sensations until my voice is hoarse from crying out in pain?  What would please you, Master?  What more can I do for you?  Will you please break me, break down all the walls and barriers I have built?  Will you please, I beg of you, bring me to that point where nothing exists?  Nothing but pain and tears, letting me be reborn....

Today, I feel too needy.  On edge.  Walking a fine line between sane and dangerous.  Maybe it’s a good thing he’s not here....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 11:13 AM :: 8 comments