A Cry in the Dark

Friday, June 09, 2006

i shouldn't be disappointed, but i am....

Enforced waiting is not a good thing when my mind is going like this. Too much time to mull over things. Too much time to dwell on them. Time on my hands to let the anger build, big enough to cover my hurt. Time to plot. Time to plan. Time to think it through in order to figure out how to hurt you most. Time for reflection. Systematically cataloging all your actions, all your statements, question your motivations. Time to discard my respect and admiration of you.

Time....

Time is my enemy.
Time is my friend.

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That was what I wrote while sitting in the airport the other day. Another day of reflection on the situation has brought no clarity. All that has come from thinking about it are more and more questions.

Why? I guess that’s the biggest one. Why didn’t you tell me yourself? You realize it makes it look as though you are trying to hide something, right? And now, well.... Now the respect I had for you has dropped several notches. Now, whether you realize it or not, every comment you make to me will be filed away and questioned. You see, I can’t believe what you say any longer. I can’t accept your statements at face value. You have put a wall in between us, one that I will make no attempt to break down.

I’m disappointed, to say the least. We have been through a lot this past year. We faced a number of challenges together and I honestly thought we had formed a close bond because of that. I have made it a point to tell you what I wanted and the steps I would take to get there. I thought I had your support. I thought we were both working towards some common goals. I guess I was wrong.

I wonder if you have any clue how much you hurt me. I doubt you understand how few people I let get this close to me, this far into my life and into my head. Obviously, you don’t care. If you did, you would have made certain you told me this yourself. Oh, well! Live and learn, I guess. You have been moved to a different level in my life. No longer do I feel any obligation to be completely open with you. My intentions are not going to be discussed. The rationale for my actions will not be shared. Believe it or not, that bothers me much less than I think it should. Maybe I always knew there was some reason to not trust you completely. That saddens me, because I really wanted to believe in you....

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A couple of days ago, some of my co-workers and I got to talking about blogging. I let it be know that I do have a blog. One guy in particular wanted to know where he could read it at. I don’t think I’ll be giving him the URL just yet....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 9:34 AM :: 5 comments