A Cry in the Dark

Saturday, May 06, 2006

independent submission....

It sounds like an oxymoron, I know. But that is the term that came to mind while I was trying to find a manner of explaining his control of my life and my submission to him.

He is not interested in a plastic “Stepford” submissive. While I would sometimes prefer he just tell me what to do in certain situations, he tends to force me to evaluate all the options and then come to a decision. Where I find it easier to ignore health or emotional issues, he insists I take corrective action to become healthier. I know that this is because he feels it is very important that I be able to take care of myself appropriately. There is more to it than that, though.

I’ve always found it easier to take care of others, leaving myself for last. Putting my needs and wants as a priority has always felt somehow “wrong” and selfish. This has been an issue in my personal and professional life. Learning to say “no” was a significant effort for me. Even after learning that the world didn’t end if I uttered it, I still found it difficult to say very frequently. My time was slowly allocated more and more to work and other activities that brought little personal benefit.

Something I said in RnC’s blog the other day started some thoughts running around in my head. I had initially said that there were days when I lost all control. I had to back up and re-state what I meant, which was that I was trying to wrest control away from him. Those are the days when I stumble the most and struggle with my submission.

The light bulb started to glimmer.... He had been very insistent that I ignore the phone and turn the laptop off when I was with him. My time with him was his and no one else’s. All of our discussions about my job situation came back to mind, running in fast motion. He had consistently stated that I needed to accept that I could only do what I could do and stop trying to do it all. He understood my pain, but continued to encourage me to let it go. Let it go. Three simple little words that took so long to sink in to my brain....

I’ve had a much better attitude at work the last couple of weeks. Unfortunately, it wasn’t because I was smart enough to understand what he was trying to tell me. It took conversations with co-workers who said the same thing, chats with submissive friends who said the same thing, and finally the switch flipped and the light bulb came on, full force and as bright as day. Let it go. I am not the one in control. Giving it up has once again given me the freedom and ability to focus on what it is I enjoy about my job. Once I stopped struggling to do it all MY way, it became easier to do. I don’t have to make the decisions, I just need to follow the guidance and direction I’m given.

I know that this has been a somewhat meandering posting so far. But I do have a point! He wants me to be comfortable with giving up control, as he recognizes it as a burden to me. By taking it in my personal life, he has shown me that I can actually achieve so much more than I would allow myself to believe. This recent work situation has also shown me that the same thought processes can also allow me to have professional gratification I thought I had lost. It is teaching me to be who I am, independently, without having to rely totally on him.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:15 AM :: 4 comments