A Cry in the Dark

Friday, May 19, 2006

out of synch with the world....

I’ve always been slightly envious of those who seem to fit right in and are comfortable in their surroundings.  I can’t remember one single time in my life that I’ve felt that way.  There is always a feeling of awkwardness, the question in my mind of whether or not I should be there.

It goes back, I think, to growing up in such a small town.  I heard the same phrase over and over.  “What will people think?”  Unfortunately, I knew what they thought.  I wasn’t as athletic as my cousin “S”, I wasn’t as pretty as my cousin “B” and I wasn’t as graceful as my cousin “R”.  The small talent I did have, musicality, was not important and there were always others who were better than I was.  Being smart was actually a bad thing, because boys didn’t like you if you were smart.  Unless, of course, you were smart AND pretty.

There were all the other things that added to always feeling like an outsider.  My mom had very definite ideas about how a little girl should dress.  Sadly enough, those ideas were not the way the other girls dressed.  I couldn’t wear knee socks.  I couldn’t wear jeans.  (I only got a pair of jeans when I was 12 because I needed them for marching band as part of the uniform.)  I started wearing glasses when I was 6, and they were ugly.  Of course, they were sturdy, and that was what mattered, right?  The list of probable causes just goes on and on....

*sigh*

It’s not that my parents didn’t love me.  They always have and I know that.  Sometimes, though, it just isn’t enough.  I have those fleeting moments where I am comfortable in my own self, but they don’t stay with me.  I am proud of where I am in my life.  It’s taken a lot of work, but I’ve gotten where I am all by myself.  I know I am a good person and that I have some great qualities.  Why can’t that be enough?  Why do I always feel as though I’m out of synch with the world?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:10 AM :: 11 comments