A Cry in the Dark

Friday, April 07, 2006

trust and limits....

I know I asked the question a while ago over there.  And it did happen.  A line got crossed.  That nebulous area where the scene went from intense to scary.

You have to know that when limits are being stretched and boundaries are pushed, he will eventually go too far.  It’s inevitable.  There are no yellow lights that flash over our heads to tell them they are getting close to the maximum amount of testing that is possible.  How he handles it when that happens speaks volumes of who he is.

We recently had a scene where this happened.  I had that little fear in my stomach and head that he wanted.  It was adding to the intensity of the scene just as he planned.  Unfortunately, a series of statements he made got scrambled in my head.  (I know you understand how that can happen.  After all, who of us is capable of clear thought when in sub space?)  I somehow knew that I wasn’t hearing what he was saying, but I couldn’t straighten it out.  I got lost in the fear, overwhelmed by my own emotions in a split second.  He realized that something was wrong and started asking me questions.  I remember trying to understand what he was saying and not being able to answer.  It was as if he was speaking in a language I barely understood.  I heard what he said, but couldn’t string a response together.

He immediately stopped.  Immediately.  All the restraints were undone and I was swept into his arms.  He didn’t let me go and didn’t stop talking to me until I could give him some coherent answers.  Rather than picking up where he had left off, he shifted gears (and scenes) completely.  Somehow, he recognized my need to have something replace the feeling of being lost.  I needed to be reminded of where I was comfortable.  If he had stopped everything right then, I don’t know that I could have gone back into a scene with him again.  There was this unidentifiable piece inside me that was shaken and I needed the reassurance that everything could be OK again.

After we were done, and I was back to “normal”, he paved the way for the dialogue we both knew needed to occur.  He knew from the look on my face that I wasn’t ready to talk, so he let me know that I didn’t need to try to figure it out at that moment.  He gave me all the time and space I needed to be able to put it in perspective for myself.  It’s been a couple of weeks, and I’m just now realizing why it happened.  He’s given me the chance to talk about it, more than once.  And each time I couldn’t, he let me know that it was OK.  That he understood.  That I could have the time I needed to resolve it for myself.

I’ve trusted him for many months now.  At least, I thought I did.  Now that we’ve gone through a “scene gone bad”, I know just how much I DO trust him.  I can trust him to stretch my limits.  I can trust him to break through those boundaries, conscious or sub-conscious.  There is less struggle within, more faith and confidence that he will take me to places I never knew existed.

I can trust him, because I know, with no doubts, that he is worthy of it.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 9:56 PM :: 2 comments