A Cry in the Dark

win a few, lose a few....

2008-08-02T14:55:00.001-05:00

Well, I made it through July without having to travel. Of course that has to come back and bite me! I’ll be heading out to Chicago on the 13th only to come home on the 14th. Then I get to go to Boston the following week. I’m still struggling on whether to make that a one night, kill myself trip or to make it easier but be away for two nights.

I guess when I win by getting to stay home, some greater power decides I need to pay for it....

i think i made a mistake....

2008-07-22T16:06:00.001-05:00

My class this term is on communication, gender, and culture. When I read the little syllabus blurb, it seemed like I would be learning how the genders communicate differently and how to bridge the gaps.

So far, I couldn’t be more wrong!

This course seems to be much more interested in forwarding radical feminist attitudes. I really feel sorry for the couple of guys in the class. One of them went so far as to apologize for being male! After only one class!

So....

How does a submissive female who is VERY happy being considered the property of a man communicate effectively in this environment?

This whole term is going to be a test of tact, I think....

this is NOT going to be one of those whiny, “i’m needy” posts....

2008-07-13T08:27:00.002-05:00

It would be SO easy to write one of them today. Instead, I’m just going to post this.

fantasy dungeon....

2008-07-06T10:30:00.001-05:00

Sir and I have been joking around about some of the comforts we want to include in the new house. I’ve mentioned a dungeon a couple of times and He sometimes goes along with the idea.

I think the thing that got me so interested in adding a dungeon to the house was seeing His Domme friend working her submissive over. The thought of the two of them working her over throughout a weekend has a certain appeal. Of course, I would be bringing them ice to cool her hot little cheeks, serving drinks, and handing them the implements of their choice....

Anyway....

If you were to build a fantasy dungeon, what would you include? What would you say just isn’t worth it?

this is the part i hate....

2008-06-30T03:24:00.000-05:00

Classes ended last week with final exams due on Tuesday. All I can do now is wait, which is the part I hate the most.

Grades for the final still aren’t posted. My final grade depends on how well I did on that test and I hate not knowing!

*drums fingers on desk*

Patience is a virtue I am NOT blessed with!

trying to turn my black thumb green....

2008-06-25T03:28:00.001-05:00

Going green seems to be the catch phrase of the moment. In my own personal effort to “go green” I have started a container garden.

Now, gardening is something I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve had some luck with flowers, but I’ve also killed my fair share of plants. I did a lot of research on container gardens and decided I was ready to take the plunge.

Sir and I went shopping and spent about $20 on pepper and tomato plants with some basil and lettuce seeds. I planted everything except the basil right away. So far, so good! I have a teensy little baby pepper on one plant and everything else is still alive! Yay me!

This is the test before we get the new house built. I’ve been asking for a garden and Sir has said I can have one. I figure I can handle it if I can get things to grown on my balcony. The difficult part is going to be deciding WHAT to grow! I’m not going to have a lot of space and keep thinking of more things to add to it. Strawberries, cucumbers, cantelope, peppers, lettuce, tomatoes, asparagus (for Sir, of course!), carrots, oh, my!

At least I have some time to plan it all out. And I’m more confident I won’t kill it all!

needing some ideas....

2008-06-22T05:48:00.001-05:00

Sir’s birthday is coming up soon and I’m at a loss. When I ask Him what He would like, He says things like, “dinner at McD’s” or other minimal activities.

I know He doesn’t like to have His birthday be a big deal. I get that! I really do! I’m not big on my birthday either, but I do want to do something nice for Him. When I’ve tried to explain WHY it’s important to me, He just shrugs it off and tells me to let it go.

I’m looking for ideas, here. Can any of you think of something that wouldn’t seem like I’m making a big deal about His birthday but would allow me to show Him how grateful I am to have Him in my life?

i know..... i know....

2008-06-21T06:47:00.001-05:00

I know it’s been ages since I’ve been around. It’s not that I don’t think about all my friends here, it’s just that time is so difficult to come by these days.

I’m traveling again for work. *sigh* Fortunately, I’m managing to keep it down to once a month. This year, it’s Boston more than Chicago. The last three trips I’ve been on have been “team” trips. A group going to one city or the other for meetings and presentations. I don’t mind the Boston trips so much, though. It’s so much easier to take the train than it is to fly to Chicago. One of these days, though, I have to stop on my way home. I pass right by Providence and that’s pretty close to a very special lady I still want to meet! (Hint, hint, Foulmama!)

Sir’s house is on the market, but no luck in selling it yet. There’s a part of me that tries to stay serene about the situation and another part that is chomping at the bit. Once the house is sold, we can move forward with our lives and our plans. I want that so badly, but I also am very comfortable with the life we have now. Isn’t it silly? I want it both ways....

School is, as usual, time consuming. I have a final exam to take this weekend, then no more classes for a couple of weeks. I’ll be so glad when this is all over! Another year at this rate and I’m already just so tired of it. There are days when I am convinced I am just an idiot for even trying to do this right now.

All in all, life is good! I shouldn’t complain, because things are just going so well for me. So feel free to smack me! lol

broccoli is a hard limit....

2008-03-30T07:46:00.001-05:00

as is asparagus....

squash is a soft limit....

there are no limits on corn,

and green beans,

and peas,

and lima beans,

and cabbage,

and brussel sprouts,

and carrots,

and potatoes,

and cabbage,

and spinach.

With all the areas with no limits, why is it that the hard limit keeps being discussed?

sometimes life gets in the way....

2008-03-21T04:49:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know! It’s been ages since I’ve visited....

Business law just SUCKS! lol Too much reading, more reading, and then reading again. I am hating this class more than any other I have taken. The instructor is horrible, the material is dry, and I’m so glad I only have 4 weeks left before it’s done. I can’t wait to take Accounting!

Sir has been busy with the house project. While I haven’t been able to help Him as much as I would like to, it has taken up a good part of our lives lately. It’s almost done so life should come back to a more “normal” status soon!

I’ve also taken on a contract job. Fortunately, it’s not that many hours and the pay is fantastic. There isn’t much left on the project so that will free up some more time soon.

There haven’t been any trips to Chicago lately, but I have been to the Boston area. In fact, it looks like that will become a regular trip for me this year. We have two companies there that I need to visit. I think it may be a monthly trip, but I can at least take the train instead of flying!

Time has been flying by and I keep thinking about the things I want to share. Sir has been teasing me about how long it’s been since my last post. There just hasn’t been an opportunity to put things up here! Having said that, though, life is good.

It’s really, REALLY good these days!

i am SOOOOOO done!

2008-01-14T18:24:00.001-05:00

It’s over!

Finally!

I just handed in my term paper, answered the final bulletin board question, and signed out of class. I am SOOOO done with this term!

YAY!

And three weeks from now, I start Business Law.....

*groan*

would someone PLEASE make it stop?????

2008-01-10T04:29:00.000-05:00

Is anyone else tired of hearing every detail of Britney’s life dragged out as news every single day? Do the broadcasters think we all REALLY need to know this? Or that we’re waiting, with bated breath, to hear about the most recent escapade?

Would someone PLEASE make it stop?!?

i just can’t do it....

2008-01-05T17:36:00.000-05:00

I’m supposed to be sitting here working on school work. I just can’t do it....

This term I’m taking another English Comp course. That means that I’ve spent hours and hours at the computer doing research and writing. I’m sick and tired of Social Security reform right now! On top of that, I’ve got a nasty head cold and can’t take my normal remedies. Nyquil is not allowed with my back medication. Neither is Tylenol cold and flu. Or anything else I’ve ever used with success. *sigh* So I feel like my head is twice its normal size, I’m achy, and all I want to do is go back to bed. If I do that, though, I’m afraid I won’t sleep tonight.

This is the first cold I’ve had in at least two years. I’d forgotten just how miserable you felt when you had one! I think I’m going to throw in the towel and go curl up on the couch with Sir....

being spoiled....

2008-01-04T17:25:00.000-05:00

The last couple of weeks have been wonderful in many, many ways. I got to spend every day with Him while I was off from work. The holidays were fantastic, His family is great, and I got quite spoiled.

He purchased a new mattress for me this week. While I admit I need a new one, this has created an internal struggle for me. I’m so used to taking care of myself, of having to do it all FOR myself. Accepting this from Him feels like giving up another area of control in my life. Yes, He laughs and says that He wants something decent to sleep on. But I know He didn’t do it for His own comfort. It was my need that drove His decision.

So, I’m feeling spoiled in a lot of ways right now. Some of it feels good and some of it is uncomfortable. Isn’t that silly? How can I be uncomfortable by being spoiled?

revelations....

2007-12-02T09:38:00.000-05:00

Well, I received my punishment from this posting ( being disobedient....) last Saturday. Yes, it was a while in coming. He was waiting until He knew my back could take it and that I was going to be home for a bit. I’m not certain what was worse about waiting. Was it knowing that the punishment was coming and not knowing when or knowing what the punishment was going to be?

He had spoken with His Domme friend when this all happened. She had given Him a suggestion on what might be appropriate. It was, quite honestly, horribly diabolical. When He told me what it was, I literally broke down and just bawled. Seeing my remorse, He relented a bit and told me what He had decided on. It was something I knew would still be very difficult, but it wasn’t as horrible as her offering. (Please know I respect you, Ma’am. But that was HORRIFIC!)

My punishment was to remove my pants and receive a spanking from her. Now, I had seen her in a scene with her submissive. There was no doubt in my mind that she could offer up some serious pain and I’ve never really thought of myself as being one who could take much. Add in my issues with disrobing in front of others and you can see why the thought of this had me in a bit of a tizzy. He recognized this and spent a couple of weeks talking to me about what was going to happen. It was probably a good thing He did, because I’m not certain I could have gone through with it otherwise.

The most difficult part of the punishment was when He told me to take off my jeans. I knew I had to or I would disappoint Him. His eyes offered encouragement while I slowly followed instructions. As I was blindfolded and positioned on the spanking bench, a sense of calm acceptance began to flow into me. It was amazing to feel this disconnectedness from everything..... I was there, but not. It was me, but not me. I hit a spot in subspace I’ve never really felt before....

She began the spanking and I honestly couldn’t tell you how long it lasted or what was used. There were a couple of times when I almost used my safe word, but I was (and still am) surprised at what I took. Through it all, I felt Him near me or His hands on me. There was such loving support from Him. I wonder if that’s why I could take so much?

When the punishment was done, and the blindfold came off, He quickly wrapped me up in a warm hug. My eyes welled up and tears began to flow. It wasn’t that I hurt and I’m still not certain where they came from. Was it remorse for my actions and knowing that I’d been fully punished for them? Or was it a release for so many of the tensions that are in my life? Was it sub-drop? Will I always have this reaction or was it just a one time event?

I’ve been trying to sort things out for the past week and am a bit stumped. There’s a part of me that wants to do it again to see if I react the same way. I’m also curious to see if I can take as much (or more) than I took that night. Am I less wimpish than I’ve always thought? Or was I only taking so much because I felt a need to punish myself?

I’ve felt really good and closely connected to Him this past week. Even the stresses of returning to work after a long absence haven’t reduced that feeling. That could also be from having so much time with Him, but I’m just wallowing in the sensations.... I don’t really care where they came from or why. What matters most is that I can glory in belonging to Him and in making Him happy....

up and down....

2007-11-20T18:04:00.000-05:00

It feels as though I'm doomed to come to His house in the rain.... At least I got to do my driving while it was still daylight today!

I have been fortunate to spend so much time with Him since I got back from Chicago. Last night was the first night we slept apart. I'm getting spoiled by this.... A taste of our future and it's creating such a hunger in me. I want it NOW! *sigh* Yes, I'm such a glutton at times....

I've been kind of up and down on the emotional roller coaster again. The insecurity I was feeling about my job and life with Him has been settled. Now, though? Another step to be taken. While I'm looking forward to this new venture, I'm also nervous about it. I want it, and not only for Him. Yes, it's something that will make Him VERY happy.... Yet.... I have to keep asking myself why I have anxiety about doing this. There's really nothing I can put my finger on. Maybe it's just the fact that it's so new to me, so alien in my thought processes? Or is it that I fear becoming more dependent on Him? But I LIKE being more dependent on Him.... These thoughts that race around in circles in my mind hide in the background when He's around. That's good, but it's not good. I know He could put them to rest if only I could find the words to describe what I'm feeling....

See, that's something that really just pisses me off about myself. It's easier to write things down than to say them to Him at times. And even when I'd be comfortable talking to Him about something, I can't find the words to describe what I'm feeling. Or why I'm feeling that way. Or exactly what it is that I AM feeling.

I'm scared. But I'm not. I'm nervous, but I'm not. The back and forth yo-yo makes me sound and feel like an idiot. I want to just sweep those feelings off to the side and tell them to go away. After all, the first step was taken today. Seeing the glint in His eye and that dimple while we were talking about it.... Well.... I got that GOOD fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach!

I feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back today. Where did that clarity of last week go? And why is it that these things always come to mind when I'm alone? I keep digging for reasons and come up empty. It's not doubt in Him. It's not a lack of trust in where we're going. Is it just the fact that my life is changing? I'm being pushed out of the rut(s) I've gotten in to in so many ways....

I do just wish that I could shut my brain off at times....

one more day....

2007-11-13T20:21:00.000-05:00

One more day and I will be home....

One more day and I will get to feel His arms around me....

One more day and I will be back in my element....

One more day and all will be right in my world.

looking at my insecurities….

2007-11-09T07:01:00.001-05:00

It feels like this week has flown by. I’ve been so busy at work and have spent almost every evening out with someone. Yes, the work “stuff” is getting done, which is good news. And I’ve enjoyed spending time out with J and getting to know him better. It’s been interesting, because we do talk about pieces of our personal lives at work. Having some time outside of work has deepened that friendship in such a wonderful way….

We were talking about our relationships the other night. The whole topic came up because there is still a question out there about me moving to Chicago. While we were talking, some of my insecurities came up again. Instead of just ignoring them or not saying anything, I spilled the beans. This strange feeling came over me when I did that. It was like I was talking about those fears, but didn’t feel them so deeply. After a few minutes, it dawned on me why that was happening. The fears are real, but there is no foundation for them. I said something to that effect to J and he started laughing. It was obvious to him and he started teasing me about it.

Very early in our relationship, Sir told me that holding on to my insecurities would eventually kill anything we could have together. I realized just what He meant by that statement the other night. If I insist on worrying about things because of my fears, I will bring a negative stress into our lives. In fact, I have to acknowledge that I have been doing that without realizing it.

I apologize, Sir, for stressing about that conversation I will eventually have with my boss. Instead of worrying about when it will happen and what the outcome will be, I have confidence that You will be there to face it with me. You have shown Your love for me in so many ways. How could I ever doubt it?

I won’t be moving to Chicago. While I knew that months ago, I’m so very, very comfortable with everything that statement means. Thank you, J, for helping me work that out….

part of the appeal….

2007-11-06T06:41:00.000-05:00

Is part of the appeal of D/s brought about because of the manners, the ritual, the protocol that people see? Is it a yearning for a return to a time when courtesy was the norm rather than the exception?

Is part of the appeal the urge to experience what they read in those wonderful trashy novels that have been so popular for years? I admit to reading just about everything Rosemary Rogers wrote in the 70’s and 80’s. The thought of being overpowered by some strong, handsome man titillated me tremendously. Was that really the beginning of my desire to submit?

There’s a part of me that would love to know just how much society influences our needs and desires. Another part of my just shrugs and thinks, “I am who I am.”

Do you think things like manners or the fantasies from reading actually draw people to D/s? Or are these just common experiences that are coincidental?

more amusement....

2007-11-03T10:02:00.001-05:00

I didn’t bother to put my suitcase away after unpacking last weekend. Why bother? I just needed to pack it again today....

While putting things together the other evening, I looked in the bag to see what I had left in it. To my surprise, I found some “presents” that had been left for me! They were the little sparkly foam ball toys Smooches loves to carry around.

Now I have to wonder who left them there and why.... Was it Smooches? Did she want to let me know she would miss me? Or was it Smokey? Was he trying to tell me that Smooches should take this trip?

If only they could talk....

a funny story....

2007-11-03T07:56:00.000-05:00

One of the guys I work with, J, may have an idea that I’m kinky. For years, we’ve teased each other about our relationships and sexual behaviors. I’ve told him that there are photos of me in compromising dress or positions and he’s jokingly asked to see them. Other times, I’ve made remarks about being “tied up” when he’s called and how much I enjoy it. Part of the fun is that HE is the one who blushes every time these topics come up.

When I tried to go back to the office in September, I went over to his department to catch up with everyone. He walked out of his office and was admiring my “choker”. Walking around behind me, he lifted my hair and said, “I don’t see the D-ring for attaching the leash.” There were a couple of snickers to be heard from his staff members. I calmly looked at him and said, “Sweetie, that’s what the ring on the front is for!”

J started blushing furiously, his staff began laughing, and I just stood there with a smile on my face. If only they knew!

Bollywood and BDSM....

2007-10-30T18:01:00.000-05:00

MasterSpanker33 did a wonderful posting about Bollywood (**Dark Eyes and Forbidden** ) which got my mind spinning. That posting was the topic of a fantastic conversation with TCGuy58 . Things finally came into focus for me while talking about it. Alas, when I got back to my hotel, the blue screen of death showed up on my laptop and that coherency flew into the ether....

The allure of Bollywood still fascinates me. I think it’s because I see so much of that same eroticism in D/s relationships. It’s the unknown, the fantasy, calling out to the participants. With Bollywood, the sexual tension is raised and minor glimpses are given via dream sequences. Because of the taboo nature of public expression, the mildest of scenes leads to explosive imagery. After all, who is to say where that kiss will lead? What follows is limited only by the imagination of the viewer.

I find that same erotic tension even in simple day-to-day actions with Sir. When He uses my nickname or has THAT voice, it creates a flare within me. There is that same dream-like quality to the moment. Where will He take me? Are we going into those forbidden realms? So many activities that society has deemed perverted are explored and reveled in. Is that part of the excitement of going there? Because we know it is dark and dirty?

I love the way MasterSpanker33 describes Bollywood with his erotic scale schematic:

Forbidden = Quadruple the excitement
Exotic = a new treat, never opened
Repressed Sexuality = A need to release theirs and, by extension, our own
Foreign = Ecstasy never before experienced

The scale would be my own for a D/s relationship. Exploring the forbidden, which is more exotic than the norm. A release of our repressed sexuality in order to meet societal norms leads to foreign emotions.

Thank you, MasterSpanker33 for such a powerful posting. It is one that is still tumbling around in my thoughts....

on the agenda....

2007-10-29T16:58:00.000-05:00

Well, I have another trip to Chicago all planned. I’ll be heading out there on November 4 and returning home on the 14th. Watch out, Windy City! :D

I think this is going to be my routine for the next few months. While I’m not thrilled about being away from Sir this much, I also accept the fact that I have to be in two places in order to get my job done. It’s difficult. I have friends in Chicago and I ADORE spending time with them. But I also have Sir and my life here and I ADORE being home. When are they going to perfect that cloning technology?

When I get home from this trip, I think I have almost two weeks off for vacation. This was supposed to be for my annual trip to the UK. Unfortunately, my back problems have forced me to cancel this year. :( I’m trying to look at the positive side, though. I’ll have time to help Sir work on the house and also have time to work ahead on school assignments. There will also be plenty of opportunity to cook meals for Him and fill His freezer. Am I a bad girl if I wish Sir would be laid off for a couple of days while I’m on vacation?????

(Just kidding!)

(Not really....)

I’ve got a new laptop, so I should be able to keep up with everyone a little better on this next trip. No more blue screen of death! YAY!!!!!

foot fetish is getting worse....

2007-10-28T08:21:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago, I wrote about how my little Smokey has a foot fetish. I’ve had to accept the fact that it is now worsening....

Sir caught him trying to crawl into one of His shoes the other night. Last night, I caught him lying on Sir’s shoes, with his little head lying right over the opening....

*sigh*

Is this a hint for me to leave out a pair of shoes for him when I’m away?

a perfect moment....

2007-10-27T11:19:00.000-05:00

I’ve been sitting here this morning, drinking my coffee, reading blogs, listening to the rain pattering on the gutter, and hearing those soft snores coming from the next bedroom....

It’s a perfect moment for me.

I’m living the fairy tale I dreamt of. He is here. Everything is quiet. No noise from the neighbors or the parking lot. It’s easy to imagine being on an island. Just us. Well, us and the cats....

I wish there was a way to take a picture of right now. Instead, I have to try to remember how content and at peace I feel.

lucky me!

2007-10-14T08:14:00.001-05:00

I’ve been in a frenzy the last few days trying to get ready to go to Chicago. This trip will have me there for ten days. Guess what? This lucky girl is going to get to meet another new blogger! (Not someone who is new to blogging, but a blogger I haven’t met yet....)

YAY!

Why is it that the new system transition has to happen at the same time I have to complete my final term paper? Combine that with the back problems and you can see that I have a mess on my hands.... *sigh* It will all get done eventually. Sleep is NOT a requirement, is it?

There was originally a series of trips planned, with the first one scheduled in mid-August. At that time, I was a bit uneasy with how Sir and I would handle the separations. It wasn’t something I could verbalize, because I didn’t really understand why it was creating anxiety for me. In a way, it was a blessing to go through all these issues with my back. I learned so much about Him and His commitment to me. We’ve had some conversations that were eye-opening for me. Some of those demons that have haunted me were put to rest because of those discussions....

Two months ago, I was dreading our separation. Today, I can look at it as a necessary evil that is part of my job. He accepted that fact when He collared me. I’m finally coming to terms with the separation anxiety I was feeling. I just wish I could figure out why I had been feeling it and hope it doesn’t visit me again....

So, watch out, Chicago! The WistfulWench storm is heading your way....

:D

the details really do matter....

2007-10-04T15:45:00.000-05:00

Another posting in the saga of my understanding and accepting limits.... (Said VERY tongue in cheek!)

I was a VERY lucky girl and got a mid-week visit from Sir. As we were drinking coffee this morning, I was writing down the little list of all the things I needed to get done today. Of course, I’m talking to myself about them as I write them down.... Call about medical bill, balance check book, did I remember to generate the auto payment for the rent? Oh, crap! Better check that I paid all the bills that came in last week while I’m there. Laundry....

Me: Laundry. Two loads is OK today, right?
Him: What would make you think that?
Me: Well, the therapist said yesterday to start working back up to normal activities and it’s really only 1 load and 1 small load.
Him: And?
Me: *starting to get the not-so-subtle hint* But I have the dirty sheets to wash since we changed them last night and it’s really only one full load because the other one is small but i have to do the small load because all my sweats are dirty and i have physical therapy tomorrow and the therapist did say to..... Yes, Sir. One load.

There is a serious point to sharing this. The details in conversations DO matter. What I learned this morning is that Sir and I have a very different view point on reducing the work load and taking it easy. My definition was not cleaning the whole apartment in one day and His was doing one load of laundry. That’s a BIG difference.

I’m just glad I learned we had such different views BEFORE it got me into trouble!

hit right between the eyes with a blind spot....

2007-10-01T14:46:00.000-05:00

You know.... I really want to think that Sir and my parents are having conversations behind my back. That’s the easiest way to explain why they all keep saying the exact same things to me lately.

Of course, it couldn’t be because I have this big blind spot, could it?

*sigh*

OK. I have no choice but admit to it. It’s one of those things I was alluding to when I said saying, “Yes, Sir” and embracing something are quite different. He’s been getting quite a bit of that “Yes, Sir” lately. And I really have meant it! I wouldn’t go against His specific instructions on things, but I have been chomping at the bit to be released from some of the restrictions. Now I am having to learn to embrace those limits. To accept the fact that I am NOT superwoman, no matter how hard I have tried to convince myself (and others) that I am.

I read something today In the Valley of DevNovo that really resonated with me. It’s a reason, not an excuse. That statement just hit me between the eyes. I’ve been ignoring this blind spot of mine because it felt like I was using it as an excuse. I hate excuses for not doing things that need to be done. And I especially hate it when I see myself doing it. Yes, like most people, I take a day here and there and DON’T do the things I know I need to do. And I tell myself that we all need a lazy day in order to recharge the ole batteries. It took me a long time to truly embrace the reality of that statement and accept that it isn’t an excuse.

When Sir and I were talking about this topic yesterday, I was trying to make a joke about it. You know.... Trying to minimize all this and convince myself that things would just go back to normal tomorrow. He kind of looked at me and said, “You really do have a blind spot about all of this, don’t you? Maybe that’s why your parents keep saying the same things I am?”

For today, I am going to try to embrace my inabilities as reasons, not excuses. For today, I am going to work on NOT freaking out about what I’m not getting done. For today, I am going to try to look at ONLY today.

Now, if I can just remember this whole mantra tomorrow....

just a quickie....

2007-09-30T12:53:00.000-05:00

Thank you, so much, for all the wonderful messages I got when I went into my YIM! I can’t even begin to tell you all how much those warm thoughts meant to me....

For those of you who read my blog on Alt, could I ask a big favor? Uniquejam could use some hugs and warm wishes right now..... Please pop over and let her know you care?

I’m FINALLY off all the major pain medications and just on the Lyrica for now. Wow! How amazing it is to finally feel like I’m not struggling to put two words together! Now, that doesn’t mean I’m anywhere back to normal yet, as if I ever was! lol But it does mean that I think I can finally get some things done that have just been beyond my abilities the last week plus.

This week’s objectives? First of all, I have to find all the notes I wrote last week (because who knows where I put them all!) and consolidate them into a single, coherent list of things I need to get done. I’m still on restrictions by Sir, so no grocery shopping on my own, a limit of one load of laundry at a time, and no house cleaning. *sigh* I gotta find that piece of paper that has the number of the house cleaner on it QUICKLY!

OK. Just because I know I’m still a bit scatter-brained, I’m writing down some of the things I want to write about. MasterSpanker33 has written some great postings about Bollywood that have thoughts running around in my head. Some of those need to be put into some form of coherency. I’ve learned quite a bit about Sir’s love, more than I *thought* I understood. These are things that are still running around in my mind and settling into my heart. I want, so badly, to write about that. Mostly because it’s finally dawning on me that I can be loved in the way I always thought would never be possible. There’s a big difference between saying “Yes, Sir” and embracing what is being said. It’s a lesson that is worming its way into my mind, and I need to get some of that out.

Guess this wasn’t such a quickie, was it?

feeling like a spoiled little girl....

2007-09-29T08:21:00.000-05:00

Well, the second epidural went much better yesterday. While it was much more painful than the first one, it was also easier to manage.

I had to go back onto serious pain medications last week. I had wanted to decrease them as the week went by, but Sir insisted that I stay on the total dosage until after the epidural. It was His hope that being drugged and more relaxed would make the experience easier on me.

OK. I have to admit that He was right! (When is He ever wrong? I'd really like to know...) The specialist was able to get further down into the nerve root than last time and the pain, while intense, didn't last nearly as long this time. Even better is that I don't feel like I got hit by a truck this time. The drugs kept me relaxed enough that I didn't tighten up all my muscles this time. While I'm still hoping there won't be a third injection, I have to admit that my fear of the procedure has been reduced tremendously. (Thank you, Sir!)

When I got home last night, He was already here. I was made comfortable on the couch and He ordered dinner in rather than either of us doing any cooking. One final dose of the heavy hitter pain meds and then off to bed....

My instructions for today are to take it easy and get some rest. He knows that I do have some work (job and school) to catch up on, but I'm not to lift anything, no laundry, no cleaning, nothing but the minimal stuff. Of course, I consider catching up on blogs to be minimal, right?

I'm feeling like a spoiled little girl right now.... And I admit to loving every single second of it!

everything in slow motion....

2007-09-27T13:13:00.000-05:00

I don’t know why I’m having such a struggle today. It feels as thought it takes a tremendous effort to do anything. The medications are making me dizzy, so walking across the room means looking like I’ve had a few too many drinks. By the end of the day, I’ll probably have a dozen bruises on my legs that I’ll have no memory of getting!

I’m just exhausted. Every time I lie down, it’s a struggle to work instead of falling asleep. There’s so much work to get done, and I’m falling further and further behind....

Of course, I’m getting more and more anxious about tomorrow. The procedure is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, so I get to stress about it all day. *sigh* I keep trying to stay positive about it, but I’m dreading the pain.

This time, I decided to go ahead and stay drugged until after I’m home. Maybe that’s part of my problem. I’m so medicated that I just can’t function. Talking with Sir last night, we came to the conclusion that trying to tough it out didn’t work last time, so I need to try something different this time.

I hate being so cranky like this. It’s depressing. I feel like I’m standing beside myself and seeing a person I really don’t like. When will this hell end?

He gave me a surprise visit by coming over the other night. It is still putting a smile on my face today. I’ll see Him tomorrow, so all should be right in my world....

Have I mentioned that, on top of everything else, I’m having a really bad hair day?

today's dilemma....

2007-09-25T12:07:00.000-05:00

Well, my morning has started off a bit surprisingly. I thought the most difficult decision today would be whether or not to make tuna to go with my whole wheat bagel. For some reason, I've been having this craving for a few days. So, throwing caution to the wind, I mixed up the tuna with some green olives and mayo. Toasted the bagel, melted a slice of cheese, slathered on tuna and am in heaven!

Since I'm on medications that make me a bit woozy, I've been watching my step a little more carefully these last few days. Tripping over a string on the carpet is painful, so I am on the constant lookout for them. Thank goodness! As I opened my door to go to the laundry room, I see a two foot deep hole in the place where my step was. *sigh* While I'm thrilled the complex management has decided to repair some of the major issues here, it would have been nice to have received notification of those repairs. I am so glad I didn't just step out the door without looking.... The last thing I need right now is to take a major fall!

Now to my most recent dilemma for the day. I just received an e-mail from a member I've never corresponded with. Here's this gist of it:

Date: Sep 25, 2007 5:22 AM EST
Subject: For a fat woman, you sure talk a lot.
Body of said e-mail: !!

Now, I'm not one to use the Report Abuse button or send complaints to Alt about other people. In fact, I try very hard to reply to all e-mails I receive in a friendly manner.

My initial reaction is to send him a response such as, "Thank you for your perspective. May you find exactly who you deserve in your search here."

Another thought is to let Sir respond. But that just kind of feels wrong, as I'd prefer He not be distracted by insults of this nature.

Of course, the bitch in my head is thinking of all kinds of nasty things to say. I'd rather not let her loose, as I don't want to let something so minor escalate.

The final option is to just ignore this.

What would you do?

tap, tap, tap....

2007-09-24T09:23:00.000-05:00

He has a way of finding my buttons and then tapping on them. During a conversation, He will find something I’m uncomfortable with and just “tap” on it. We’ll talk about it for just a moment or two, then He changes the subject.

Some time later, maybe a week, maybe three, He’ll tap on that button again. It’s always the same. A quick tap, talk for just a bit about it, then move on.

I’m finding that the tap, tap, tap on those topics is having an unexpected effect. Something He had touched on several months ago is now beginning to intrigue me. It’s surprising, as it was always something I had thought I could never be interested in.

When I asked Him about the method He was using, He just smiled. *grumble* I have to admit that I love the way He puts these thoughts into my mind and then removes the initial visceral reactions. They become topics I can begin to consider rather than just shuddering from the thought and hastily discarding it from my mind.

Of course, you know me! I can’t be happy with just accepting that He’s found a way to get me to truly consider these topics. I have to understand WHY this is working. Is it because He’s not pushing the thoughts down my throat? Is it the way He just lightly touches on the topic then moves away from it? Could it be the fact that He’s getting me to think of these things in a different light with no pressure?

Following on those questions are others. Is this maybe a way for me to overcome some of the things I fear? Would this tapping work to help me deal with edge play? Could it be that being exposed to it more would remove that anxiety I always feel?

I admit that I’m not completely comfortable with some of the thoughts I’m having. But there are some things that are beginning to have an appeal. Things I had always shied away from. Certain activities begin to pop into my mind and I have begun to WANT those experiences.

I have begun to look forward to that tap, tap, tap into my mind....

asking for help....

2007-09-23T11:52:00.000-05:00

As is obvious from yesterday’s posting, I have had a little bit of a melt down. It was good, in a way. Some very hard truths have been put in front of me and I have been smacked in the face with some hard realities.

No, I have not yet been punished for my actions. I know the generalities of what will occur, but I also get to deal with the knowledge that it will not happen until I am healthier.

Last night was the lecture. I had to hear and admit to things I have not wanted to face. This morning, I got another lecture. Surprisingly, that one was from my mom. If I didn’t know better, I would have to say that she and Sir were in cahoots. She echoed so many of His words that it was eerie....

I have always been the one who was there for others. Asking for help is not something I have ever had to do. In fact, it is abhorrent to me to think I may have to ask someone for help. Like a naughty puppy, I have had my nose rubbed in the mess I have created. It’s not a good feeling.

Denial. This is the crux of my problem. I have been refusing to accept my situation. I have been continuing to insist on doing it all. I have not acknowledged the fact that I must slow down (or stop) in order to fix the problem with my back. I have put on the blinders and just forged ahead like nothing is wrong.

Last night, He told me what my punishment will be for my behavior. I also learned what will happen if I continue down this path. I completely lost it and broke into uncontrollable sobs. What He has been saying to me for weeks finally sank in. I have to face the fact that, for now, I am disabled. I can’t do it all. And I have to put my pride away and ask for help. It’s an area of control I was trying to hold on to.... I’m finally realizing that.

Mom hit home with a very uncomfortable truth this morning. Without knowing anything about what REALLY was said last night, she made a comment that brought me to tears again. It was something so simple, but I just couldn’t see it. She said that I have to trust Him to take care of me.

*smacking head....*

I have told Him, several times, that I trust Him. Yes, it was always when we were talking about a specific situation. But if I trust Him in those matters, why have I not realized that I also need to trust Him in something so basic as looking out for me?

Right now, I feel like an idiot. Is it really so hard to ask for help? Why did I resist His suggestions and offers of help last night? More of His statements from last night are popping into my head right now....

“You are mine. It is my responsibility to take care of you.”

The more I think about my actions and what drove me to them, the more embarrassed I am. Instead of being frustrated about living in a dirty home, I should have asked for help. *sigh* Why couldn’t I see that a week ago instead of getting so worked up about it?

This whole situation has been difficult in so many ways. The frustration had just built up to a level where I literally lost it. Fortunately, He understands what drove me to this point, and has made certain I understand that this behavior is not acceptable. It's been a good thing, even though I did such a bad thing.

being disobedient....

2007-09-22T09:37:00.000-05:00

Well, as in so many things in my life, I have taken one step forward and two steps back again. The epidural I had last week seemed to be working. The aches and pains in my legs were being reduced. The burning sensation has almost completely gone away with the medication. Unfortunately, that all disappeared Thursday afternoon.

I’ve only been in the office for four hours since August 18. While I have been able to get my work done from home, there is something to be said for having that “face” time with my co-workers. Since I seemed to be recovering, I decided to try spending more time sitting as last week progressed. On Monday, I sat at my desk for two hours. No problem! Every day I increased the time, figuring I could get to eight hours and then feel comfortable with going back to the office for a couple of days before going out to Chicago for three or four weeks.

On Thursday, things seemed to be going fine. I was careful to not sit for more than thirty minutes at a time. The instructions I had received from the physical therapist was that I needed to walk around for at least 5 minutes before sitting again. Having been through all of this four years ago, I knew to follow those instructions. Unfortunately, with no warning, at five hours of doing this routine, I went into spasms again. The pins and needles feeling in my left calf, ankle and foot went from barely noticeable to almost painful. I started to have pain in the back of my thigh and left buttock. *sigh* I was back to where I had been three weeks ago.

After spending most of Thursday night and Friday in tears, I caved in and called the specialist. I’m back on Percocet and Valium again. My Lyrica dosage has been doubled. And I’m scheduled for a follow-up epidural on Friday.

As is usual, Sir came over last night after work. His concern for my condition was quite evident. As He left for work this morning, He was very specific in the instructions I was given. Today, I am to do as little as possible in order to take care of my back. While I am quite gratified by His concern, I now have a serious dilemma facing me.

Sir is allergic to cats. As you probably know if you read my blog, I have two. Normally, He has no problem coming here, as I run the sweeper at least once or twice a week and keep the apartment pretty clean. Since the cats sleep with me during the week, I also make certain the sheets on the bed are changed every Friday morning so He will not have to deal with dander on them. The problem? I haven’t been able to run the sweeper for two weeks, as that is one of the big no-no tasks according to my physical therapist. The pain I had yesterday meant I didn’t get the bedding changed. Poor Sir spent the night coughing and having a hard time breathing due to congestion.

I’m going to be disobedient today. I HAVE to run the sweeper and change the bed linens. It is too painful for me to see Him suffering for something that can be fixed so easily.

He had joked with me last week about putting up a posting asking all of you to suggest punishment for transgressions. Since I am intentionally being disobedient, I won’t wait for Him to tell me to make this posting. I will also be sending an e-mail to His Domme friend asking for her suggestions.

I am intentionally and willfully disobeying His instructions to me this morning. Please suggest an appropriate punishment for my behavior. If Sir wishes, I will let you know what He decided to do.

things i’m missing....

2007-09-19T18:43:00.001-05:00

The sound of your voice.

The feel of your lips.

Watching TV with you.

Walking down the street holding your hand.

The conversations.

The laughter.

Drinking coffee with you in the morning.

Sliding into bed next to you at night.

Watching you torture the kitties.

Long, slow showers.

These are the things that I miss when you’re not around....

do you have to be a sadist?

2007-09-17T06:15:00.001-05:00

Living through physical therapy again, this question keeps popping into my mind. Do you have to be a sadist to go into certain professions?

PT is just about as hard as getting a good spanking from Him. The only difference is that I don’t have to say, “Thank you” for the pain....

tidbits....

2007-09-13T08:12:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was “D” day for me.

I spent time at the doctor’s office yesterday morning, getting evaluated for physical therapy. While I was waiting, another patient commented on how beautiful my “choker” is.... *grins* I told her that it had been designed specifically for me and that I was very proud to wear it.

The afternoon was spent at the hospital, getting admitted and receiving the epidural. While I was being prepped, one of the nurses commented on my lovely “choker”. She appreciated the unique design and selection of stones to go with the sterling silver.... I thanked her with a big smile on my face.

Thank you, Sir, for designing something so beautiful and wearable. I smile every time someone compliments me on your work....

(Which reminds me! I do have a story to tell about the day I made it to the office. My “choker” was commented on in a manner that will make you laugh!)

*****************************************************

The procedure wasn’t very far along before I remembered why I hadn’t gone back for a second epidural four years ago....

Injecting the numbing medication didn’t phase me. That big-assed needle going into my spine wasn’t an issue at all. It was when the doctor got right up against the nerve root that I lost it. The pain shooting down my leg almost had me screaming! The nurse kept trying to get me to relax, but all I could do was tighten up every muscle in my body to keep from letting out a yell that would be heard through the whole floor! When he began injecting the medicine, I thought my leg was going to explode....

Yesterday, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Every single muscle in my body ached. My leg felt like I had a huge brick wall lying right on my sciatic nerve. I’m surprised I don’t see bruises on my body today. I feel like I was beat up....

*****************************************************

I made the mistake of trying to do laundry today. I’ve only made two trips up and down the stairs and I’m feeling it more than I could ever believe.... The rest of it is just going to have to wait. Thank goodness I have a ton of underwear! I can make it another week without doing another load if I have to....

the meeting....

2007-09-12T08:36:00.000-05:00

Well, it happened. I got to meet His friend. You remember.... The one I was so nervous about?

She is marvelous! I got to watch her in a scene with her submissive. She was wonderful to watch, as you could see just how much she was enjoying herself. The concern for her submissive’s well-being was wonderful to watch. It was an amazing event to witness. I only wish it hadn’t been so late so Sir and I could have watched more....

Yes, I was nervous for no reason. But that’s how I am! It was such a pleasure to meet her and get to know a bit about her. Now I can’t wait until we see her again!

flashbacks....

2007-09-11T09:08:00.001-05:00

Sir and I went to that famous NYC club this past Saturday. A couple of things happened that got me a bit unsettled. I’m still struggling to understand why and how to deal with the situation....

As we came down a short hall, there was a couple huddled up in a corner. When we got closer, I could see her writhing with pleasure as the man drew a blade down the side of her neck. It took a moment for my brain to register what I was seeing. Stomach clenching, I quickly looked away, feeling very unsettled.

Quite a bit later, we were watching a friend set up for some wax play. The Domme walked over to me with a sheath in her hand. Holding it out to me, she said that this was what she used to scrape the wax off. I looked at the sheath, trembling inside. She urged me to pull out the blade, telling me that it wasn’t sharp. Trying to remain dispassionate, I slowly slid it out of the sheath. A small part of my brain was panic-stricken while I held it, admiring the weight of the handle, the balance. As I shifted it back and forth, watching the lights flickering from the blade, she explained how she used it and commented that it was intentionally dull so it wouldn’t cut the skin. I put the blade back into the sheath and complimented her on the beauty of it. And it was beautiful! So why was I feeling so unsettled?

That night, as we were falling asleep, images from twenty-some years ago flashed into my mind. They were so strong at one point I wanted to get up and write it all down.... Writing about it doesn’t help. I’ve tried that. Over and over and over again.... It’s been almost 24 years. Why can’t I get past it? Why can’t those images blur a bit and be less painful?

It was still bothering me on Sunday. We were talking about some of the scenes we had seen on Saturday when it happened. I started crying. Out of nowhere, tears just built up and began to fall. His concern evident, He began questioning me. I don’t know why the whole situation affected me so strongly. Maybe it was the lighting. Or the fact that it was in a basement. (Just writing this has caused my throat to tighten and my chest to hurt. Tears are building again....) This is just so stupid! NO ONE threatened me in any way.... The blades weren’t even sharp!

Why is this happening? I’ve used knives since then. (Of course!) I’ve even held and used a knife just like the one used on me. I know the murderer isn’t even eligible for parole for another 21 years. If he’s even still alive.

How do I get over this irrational fear? How do I STOP this stupid reaction? How do I move past this?

threesomes....

2007-09-07T13:58:00.000-05:00

'nuff said?

poor baby....

2007-09-04T03:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I’m back to the office today. My poor little Smokey is going to be heart-broken. He’s gotten so used to me being home all day.... Lap on demand! lol

I’m not at a point where I can sit all day, yet, but I need to get some “face time” in at the office. I’ve herniated another disc and have an appointment with a pain management specialist next week. The recommendation is to perform another epidural injection, which IS good news. (I’m trying to forget that it was the MOST painful procedure I’ve ever had done....) I don’t know how long I’ll be in therapy this time. Hopefully, I can skip that all together, as I didn’t get to same point of disability I was at four years ago.

My poor little baby.... He’s going to have a rough day!

blog anxiety....

2007-09-01T09:03:00.000-05:00

A friend of His visited my blog the other day. While I appreciate, more than I can say, the fact that she took the time to visit, I also find myself in a bit of a quandary....

What does she think of me after taking a look? I know He’s told her about me and shared a couple of pictures of me. She is a good friend of His, so I have a bit of anxiety, here. I want her to like me. Don’t ask me why, but it’s important to me that she does.....

It’s strange, actually. I encourage people who read my profile to check out my blog. I figure that gives them more of a picture of who I am. Usually, I think it’s a good thing. Why am I now having an attack of blog anxiety?

a quick tip for you....

2007-08-31T07:01:00.000-05:00

Wearing baggie tie wraps on your nipples while going out for dinner will lead to wet panties.

Just thought I’d let you know!

:D

an image for Paul....

2007-08-31T06:57:00.000-05:00

rituals.....

2007-08-30T16:05:00.001-05:00

I originally posted a question on my ALT blog asking about rituals. Strangely enough, I have kind of fallen into one without realizing it.

Every day, my collar gets polished before I put it back on. I lovingly rub the cloth over every bit of it, paying special attention to the areas where the mountings sit. Once it is again pristine, I clasp it around my neck.

It is a daily affirmation that I am His. I know who I belong to. It reminds me that I am claimed, wanted, and loved.

It is a ritual I adore....

special little nickname....

2007-08-29T10:10:00.001-05:00

He has given me a special little nickname. Not too long after we started seeing each other, He had a special tag made up and had this nickname engraved on it.

I love to hear it from His lips. It gives me such a marvelous little tingle in my stomach. I feel so special when He uses it....

Do you have a nickname? Does it give you that fluttery, tingly feeling when it’s used?

lost in translation.....

2007-08-28T14:45:00.000-05:00

I have a warning for anyone who uses Yahoo for voice chat. There is an issue with the transmission process. I was talking to Sir recently and said, “Yahoo!” Somehow, what He heard was, “I am being a precocious little subbie and am in dire need of a hard spanking.”

I’m still wondering how that happened....

yes, young lady.... fantasy can become reality....

2007-08-27T15:18:00.000-05:00

I had originally posted a question in December, 2005, on my other blog. It’s strange, because this particular thought has continued to come to mind on a regular basis. It’s been a fantasy for longer than I can remember....

can fantasy become reality?

I’ve had this one fantasy for years. Well, actually it’s multiple fantasies, but they are all variations on the same activity. It’s not like I haven’t tried it out with a couple of past lovers, but it was never quite the experience I thought it would be. I just KNOW it can be better, more fulfilling in some manner, than the actuality was for me.

This particular activity isn’t one that’s outrageous. It’s not even one that most people would consider taboo. (At least, I don’t think most would consider it taboo!) I want it, but I don’t want it. I truly, in my heart of hearts, want it. Badly. But it’s never been what I imagine, so I’m not certain I really want it, or if I want what my fantasy tells me it can be.

Can a fantasy become a reality?

I have recently learned that YES! A fantasy can become reality. The reality can be so much better than the dreams and thoughts ever were.... Now that I’ve experienced it, I want it again and again and again and again!

(Thank goodness He’s told me I should expect it regularly!)

:D

thinking of mangoes....

2007-08-25T19:26:00.000-05:00

I have found the most WONDERFUL mango margarita mix recently. Every single time I have one, I think of the erotic posting MyInnocence did on the delicious sensuality of this fruit....

I think of you, sweetie, every time I have one....

May life be treating you well....

my optimism has taken a vacation....

2007-08-24T14:45:00.000-05:00

I didn’t get the news I wanted to hear yesterday. It was my fervent hope that the doctor would tell me that all my pain was due to severe muscle spasms and that life would go back to normal.

*sigh*

What I heard, instead, is that he fears my current herniated disc has either gotten worse, herniated out the other side, or that I have herniated another disc. I’m now caught in the limbo of waiting for my insurance to authorize an MRI so we can see what the “good” news is....

I’m going to blame part of my depression on the drugs. It’s been such a struggle to stay positive over the past couple of days. It seems as though my normal optimistic outlook has taken a vacation. I cried while talking to my parents yesterday and again when talking with Him last night. (This crying at the drop of a hat has just GOT to stop! I hate it!)

Travel restrictions are still in place, so I’m not going to Chicago this week. My apartment is a mess and I have no energy or ambition to do anything about it. Everything is a struggle. This is not like me! I just wish it would stop....

Last night, I got a lecture. Well, He said it wasn’t a lecture, but I feel it was. (Not that I didn’t require it, mind you!) It’s so hard for me to feel as though I’m servicing Him when I’m incapable of doing the things I want to. When He has to go to work, I want to make His coffee and lunch. If He’s coming here for the weekend, I want to have a clean home for Him and a wonderful dinner ready. Those are things that are important to ME. It’s part of how I show Him how much I appreciate Him, love Him, care for Him. I feel as though I’m somehow a failure by not being capable of doing these things.

This is a far cry from His expectations. How do I let go of what I need and embrace what He needs? I have fretted all week about not getting things done and not being ready for Him this weekend. And I know it’s not helping my depression one little bit. (Again, I know the drugs also don’t help here. Fortunately I’m off the Valium and Percocet. Maybe that will make it a bit easier?)

I’m not a good patient. Never have been. It’s so hard for me to NOT take care of everyone else and to let anyone take care of me. Can anyone please, please, PLEASE give me advice on how to handle this better?

drugs are good....

2007-08-19T17:58:00.001-05:00

Well, this weekend turned out quite differently than I could have imagined.

Friday began beautifully. Sir arrived and gifted his good girl in the MOST fantabulous way! :D He wanted to take me out for dinner, so I dressed to please Him and off we went. My favorite sushi restaurant, green tea martinis, and birthday cheesecake.... Marvelous! (Yes, I am His spoiled princess!)

Late Friday night, I went onto the computer for a bit. When it was late enough I knew I needed to get to bed, I shut everything down. As I stood up, an excruciating pain shot down my right hip and leg. It took every ounce of strength I had to keep from screaming!

Saturday morning, it was no better. It was a struggle to even walk. So, figuring I had better do something about it, I went to the emergency room. A little over six hours later, with many wonderful drug injections, I floated out the door. A quick stop by the pharmacy to fill prescriptions and then home.

The kicker to this weekend is that I was supposed to go to Chicago today. There is an important class I'm supposed to take tomorrow. Instead, I have to get an emergency appointment with an orthopedic surgeon. I have no idea what the treatment will be this time. My hope is that I can get by with another epidural rather than surgery. Either way, if I weren't drugged to the max, I'd be petrified. (OK. I AM petrified. The valium and percocet have me so fuzzy that I can't go into full-blown panic mode.)

I could use some prayers and healing wishes right now. The timing is awful. I know I can't take care of this and perform my job at the same time. Sir and my boss have both given me instructions on what is to come first (my health) but I am still agitated over the whole situation.

Drugs are good.... If it weren't for them, I think I'd have done nothing but cry all weekend....

yay for friday!!!!!

2007-08-17T10:26:00.000-05:00

I know I’ve posted before about how much I love Friday. I get to work from home rather than fighting traffic over the Tappan Zee Bridge. I get to do laundry and all kinds of fun “home” stuff rather than killing my weekend with it. And, most importantly, I get to spend time with HIM!

Anticipation usually makes the day fly. There’s so much to get done before I see Him that I’m whizzing around the apartment like a maniac. Today, though, the time is crawling by....

Last night, I received instructions. I have preparation to do before He comes over. The knowledge of what is to come has had me on edge since I woke this morning. The ache I normally feel borders on painful. It’s an exquisite sensation....

God! How I love Friday!

it’s different....

2007-08-16T16:48:00.000-05:00

He and I have talked about the things I’ve been blogging about. In a recent conversation, He said that it’s different to read about it than to talk about it.

I have to agree. It’s different when I write about it. A single posting could be a compilation of days, weeks, or months of conversations. How do I find the one word or phrase that summarizes all the emotions? Why can’t I gather my thoughts into a comprehensive posting?

So much has been happening. It’s good, but I feel like my mind is more scattered than it’s been for years. Old feelings roiling up and insisting on being dealt with. Fears I thought were put to rest rising up again. Anticipation that can be almost be painful. It’s as though layer after layer of who I am is being slowly peeled away, exposing the root that is me.

I try, so hard, to leave the past behind me when I am with Him. Fortunately, He is understanding and supportive. This is a NEW relationship. Tainting it with the past will doom it to failure....

which is worse?

2007-08-15T16:39:00.001-05:00

I was chatting with a friend recently and we got to talking about sadism and masochism. I pointed out that it doesn’t have to be physical and all about the pain. In fact, it can be about emotions.

That got me to thinking....

Which is worse? Physical masochism or emotional masochism? Both can leave someone in serious pain or injured for life. Either one can leave the masochist incapable of fully living.

Which do you think is worse and why?

standing on the precipice.....

2007-08-14T14:52:00.000-05:00

I stand alone in total darkness, hearing the call of the abyss. The whispers in my ear seduce me into inching closer and closer to the edge. Fear of the unknown holds me back, causing my knees to tremble.

What happens if His arms aren't strong enough to hold me?

What happens if His interest wanes?

What happens if I disappoint Him?

What happens if I am just not enough?

My fears slither around me, wrapping tighter and tighter. Flailing, choking, my attention is captured by the sibilant sounds reaching towards me.

Trust me.

Have faith.

Let it go.

Try.

His encouragement gives me the strength to slip the clutches of fear. I release my breath and let myself fall....

i'm tired, i'm cranky, and it just doesn't stop.....

2007-07-27T15:52:00.000-05:00

Well, this term is almost done. Only three more weeks and I've knocked another one down. Of course, I'm off to Chicago again this week. So that throws a little bit of a monkey wrench into the works. Actually, between now and the middle of October, I think I might get to stay home four or five weeks. If I'm lucky, that is....

I'm tired. I'm cranky. And it just doesn't stop.

More people gone on the job front. We lost our Human Resources manager a couple of weeks ago. That brings the total "kill" tally up to 60 in 20 months. Almost 1/2 of the total staff of our company...gone.

Maybe I need a spanking to reset my mind. Maybe I just need a good night's sleep. Because that's the other problem that is rearing it's ugly head again. I can't sleep. Or I get to sleep and I wake up after a couple of hours. Or, like last night, I get to sleep and wake up six or seven times during the night. *sigh*

Those stupid voices in my head are bickering too much lately. You know the ones I'm talking about..... The nasty voice that tells me I'm being naive and stupid and too trusting and setting myself up to be hurt again. That bitch argues all night long with the one who wants to trust and love and accept what is being said as honest. *BIG SIGH* I wish I could find a gag that would work on that nasty bitch.....

It's sad when you WANT something like a car accident to happen, isn't it?

curiosity is eating me alive.....

2007-07-05T15:53:00.001-05:00

Well....

I met His sisters and parents yesterday. Things went pretty well, but I’m dying to know.....

WHAT DID THEY SAY ABOUT ME WHEN WE LEFT??????????

The curiosity is eating me alive....

he gave me goosebumps....

2007-06-18T03:47:00.000-05:00

I've tried to post this video three or four times and it keeps failing..... *sigh*

Remember this guy's name. Paul Potts. When I heard him yesterday, it gave me goosebumps.

Paul Potts sings Nessun Dorma

what motivates you more?

2007-06-12T15:07:00.001-05:00

When you are in need of motivation, what is the better prod? Threat of punishment or promise of pleasure?

He made a comment the other day that has this question running around in my head. I’m not certain which really works better for me. I think it is pleasure, because I tend to punish myself much harder (emotionally and mentally) than anyone else ever has.

What motivates you more? Why?

i outed myself....

2007-06-08T08:37:00.000-05:00

OK. I sometimes DO wonder why I feel so compelled to bare everything. I guess it’s because I feel like I’m hiding things, or being dishonest in some way, if I don’t....

I told Him that I have two blogs. He had read the one on ALT before contacting me. (Just goes to show you that some people DO read the profiles!) But I felt obligated to tell him about my other one as well.

Of course, I also had to give all the disclaimers....

Just because I wrote something and posted it doesn’t mean I feel that way all the time. It’s the “thought of the moment” in most cases....

It’s not that I won’t listen to your opinions on certain topics. I just like to have multiple perspectives on some things so I am comfortable with my own point of view.

I sometimes write things completely the opposite of my own view as an attempt to have better understanding of that perspective.

*sigh*

I have a big mouth....

where does time go when you're not looking?

2007-06-06T17:08:00.000-05:00

I didn't realize, until today, that I haven't been back to my blog for quite a while. I'm so sorry about that! I have thought of several things to write about, but haven't finished a single one of those thoughts....

(What else is new?)

Yes, I'm doing well. Last month was a blur.... Struggling through the final weeks of my marketing class, a deepening relationship with a new Dominant, going to Oklahoma to spend a week with my family, and the (seemingly required) work issues that insist on popping up.

I think I've hesitated to post some of what has been going on in my head as I suspect my ex-Master still reads my blogs. The last thing in the world I want is for him to feel as though I'm rubbing salt into his wounds. The fact that our relationship ended is just that. A fact. It's no one's fault. There's no blame to be attached to either of us. It just couldn't BE any longer. While I'm still sad about it, I also have turned my face and thoughts to the wonderful new opportunity that has crossed my path.

What is it they say? Love finds you when you least expect it? While this is not (yet) the same depth of emotion I had previously, I do have to admit that I am sliding down that slope again. The dialogue in my head confuses me and makes me anxious. Thank goodness I have friends who are willing to listen to it and understand! I can't thank you enough for being there for me and listening to me ramble on (and on and on and on!) about my fears. Thank you for reminding me to live in THIS moment. And thank you for helping me find the courage to let it all go. Let go of the past. Let go of the fear. Let go of the control I think I have to have right now.

the end of a chapter....

2007-04-25T17:56:00.000-05:00

I have come to the end of the chapter. The pages left are blank, filled with hopes, dreams and what-ifs. The story seems to have ended, but the ending feels undone. Is it really over? Is that really all there is?

It’s been a wonderful story, one that swept me into another world. I’ve learned such amazing things about myself by taking it to heart. The experience has changed me, in ways that continue to surprise me. The ending, however, leaves me feeling so sad and lost....

If only....

What if....

Would it have been better if.....

So many questions, and none of them have answers. Maybe one day some of those blank pages will be filled with warmth and positive thoughts....

The chapter is finished and the book has been closed. It is time to begin a new book. As I find one that intrigues me, I open it gingerly. Will the author draw me in as completely? Will the characters appeal to me, move me, teach me more about myself? What adventures will my imagination lead me to explore?

I put my apprehensions to the side and open this new book....

Page 1....

Chapter 1....

e-mail and merlot don't mix....

2007-04-09T18:17:00.000-05:00

And neither does shiraz and blogging....

I appreciate the warm hugs and comments on my last post. Please rest assured that I will NOT take that step.

I always thought I could empathize with people who had these feelings. I now have a much better understanding of just how strong that pull can be. It is a lesson I wish I had not learned.

As the song says..... I will survive.

a funny thing happened on the way to Chicago....

2007-03-13T05:29:00.000-05:00

This story is hard to believe, but it IS true....

I checked in at the airport yesterday to head off to Chicago. (Sorry I didn't call you, Nancy! I'm not going to have any free time on this trip!) As usual, my driver's license is shown to prove I am who I say I am. I get my ticket and toddle off to go through security. Again, my license is compared to my ticket to make certain they match. As I go through the detector, my license and ticket are compared again. Three checks so far and no problem, right?

We begin boarding the plane and my ticket is scanned. I find my seat and take it. There is already another passenger sitting in the seat next to me, but that's OK. Everything seems fine and normal so far. As the last passenger boards the plane, he walks back to the row I'm in. He tells the woman next to me that he is assigned the seat she is sitting in. She pulls out her ticket and says that she's in 15A. I am sitting in 15A, so that can't be right! I pull out my ticket, and that's when it all comes to light. I have been checked in under her name!

Every single security check missed it. The scanner didn't catch the fact that two passengers had checked in under the same name with the same seat assignment. Of course, I never looked at the name on the ticket, just the seat number. So I didn't catch it, either. Fortunately, they booted someone else off the plane to give me a seat. Unfortunately, they needed my license to run my ticket and didn't give it back to me before my flight took off. Killing one and one-half hours in O'Hare airport while waiting for my driver's license to arrive was NOT part of my plan yesterday!

I only hope this isn't the way this whole week is going to go....

a small way to help....

2007-03-11T07:51:00.000-05:00

Checked it out on Snopes.com…. It is legit....

Pass it on, and on, and on!!

You may have never thought of this, but women's shelters in the U.S. go through thousands of tampons and pads monthly. Assistance agencies generally help with expenses of "everyday" necessities, such as toilet paper, diapers, and clothing, but one of the most BASIC needs is overlooked - feminine hygiene products. (Who is at the helm of the funding assistance agencies anyway!?)

Seventh Generation, a green paper products and cleaning products company, has a do-good attitude and will donate a box of sanitary products to a women's shelter in your chosen state - just for clicking the link. Talk about easy (literally takes less than 5 seconds and they ask nothing of you). And yes, it is legitimate!

http://www.tampontification.com/donate.php

Thanks for helping out.

Please pass this on.

playing catch up.....

2007-03-01T04:50:00.000-05:00

I've been remiss in keeping my blog roll up to date, but have managed to add several people over the last couple of days. Please take a look at some of the new bloggers I've had the good fortune to read!

I'm also working on catching up with everyone's posting. I have been sneaking in to read when I can, but I haven't been commenting much lately. Sorry about that!

a winter poem....

2007-02-27T04:28:00.000-05:00

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written. I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while....

"WINTER "

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

SHIT, It's Cold!

thank goodness it's almost over....

2007-02-23T05:47:00.000-05:00

This term is just kicking my butt. I have two more weeks and one more essay to go....

I used to think I enjoyed writing. Now, I'm just not as certain. Maybe it's the fact that the essays have been on assigned topics. Maybe it's all the requirements. I had dreams last night about my topic, dang it!

Two more weeks....

Two more weeks....

what is it about that posting?????

2007-02-18T18:47:00.000-05:00

I have one posting that keeps receiving spam like there was no tomorrow! Does anyone know why that would be? There aren't any phrases that are being searched from that one, so I'd love to know why I've cleaned out at least 10 spam comments from that one post.

*GRRRRRRRR*

dreaming of snow....

2007-02-13T04:39:00.000-05:00

At the gym yesterday, we all were talking about this storm that is supposed to be coming. Who would have thought that we all would be WANTING it to snow? And I don't just want a few little flakes.... I want it to SNOW! I want it to be so bad that I'm stuck in the house for a couple of days!

Bring it on, Mother Nature!

you say your pussy likes being spanked?

2007-02-09T07:21:00.000-05:00

Then you should enjoy this....

spanked pussy

how my blog got its name.....

2007-02-08T04:16:00.000-05:00

You know that feeling of being so disconnected from the world that no one would miss you if you were gone? When you question the purpose of being here? Why keep trying?

When I feel like that, it always seems so dark. The sun doesn’t shine as brightly, the colors of the world seem muddy. I feel as though I have no voice and my words are unheard. No matter what I say, it is ignored just as the buzzing of a gnat is not noticed.

When I began this blog, I was going through one of those times. Some of you may remember the original version, the one I destroyed. It was my intention to walk away completely and never look back. I’m glad I didn’t.

This blog was my cry in the dark. It was my effort to find my voice and have it be heard again. Even though the world looks much brighter today, I’m leaving the name as a reminder to myself. If you cry out loud enough, hard enough, and long enough, someone will come to offer you a hand back to the world.

10 Ways to Survive a Stressful Job

2007-02-05T18:09:00.000-05:00

I can't take credit for this one. It was on msn.com a couple of months ago. Since I pull it out every little bit as a reminder to myself, I figured I would share it.

Larry supervises the emergency room of an inner-city hospital. The environment is stressful and chaotic, yet he always appears centered and performs at a consistently high level. He is the epitome of composure -- displaying evenness of mind regardless of circumstances.

"Leaders must exhibit an air of confidence in spite of what is going on around them," says Commander Matt Eversmann, a military hero who served as one of the characters in the war movie "Black Hawk Down." "Even if you don't have an immediate solution to a particular event, you have to keep your composure."

While most of us don't deal in the life or death situations found in the emergency room or on the battlefield, we all experience some type of stress at work. Be it a difficult boss or looming deadline, here are 10 ways to stay calm when your job is anything but:

1. Give Yourself a Pep Talk. Part of being composed is knowing that you can handle whatever is thrown at you. Compile a list of your skills and accomplishments to remind yourself how capable you are.

2. Breathe. When stress levels rise, most of us unknowingly stop breathing for several seconds or more. This propels feelings of anxiety, anger and frustration, causing us to lose perspective and overreact. Smooth, steady breathing through the nose is one of the easiest ways to activate calm energy.

3. De-Clutter Your Work Area. Take a few minutes to organize and clear your work surface before you go home at night so that you start each day with a clean slate. Not only will you feel more focused and in control, you'll look it, too.

4. Think Positive, Loving Thoughts. A decade of study at the W.M. Keck Laboratory for Functional Brain Imaging and Behavior led by neuroscientist Richard Davidson found that choosing your specific thoughts and emotions can permanently change the working of your brain. When participants practiced feeling love and compassion, their brains went into action, connecting and building new circuitry at high speed, making them more effective and better able to cope in crisis.

5. Get Enough Sleep. A National Consumers League survey found that about 60 percent of people who report feeling anxious don't get enough sleep, and according to Canada's National Sleep Foundation, about a third of workers attribute their on-the-job mistakes to lack of sleep. Seven hours is the recommended minimum. Several studies show that eight to 10 hours can be even more beneficial.

6. Back Up. If you work on a computer, avoid frustration by making it part of your routine to back up your work each day. To be really safe, store a backup copy away from your desk in case of fire or theft.

7. Get Religion. Research shows that people who believe in and regularly pray to a higher power are better able to cope with crisis and have lower blood pressure than those who use alternate stress relievers.

8. See the Light. Instead of taking another trip to the coffee station, go for a walk outside. Five minutes of sunshine can clear your head and make that unpleasant altercation with a co-worker seem a whole lot less important.

9. Move It. Regular exercise bolsters brain-nurturing chemicals, producing serotonins and improving your reaction time, creativity and memory retention. A study at Middlesex University in England found that participants scored higher on a creativity test after engaging in 25 minutes of aerobic exercise. Likewise, a University of Illinois study found that inactive individuals increased their memory and ability to multitask by more than 15 percent after participating in a walking program.

10. Go With the Flow. Don't think of every setback as a catastrophe or spend time worrying about what might happen. Accept things for what they are and focus on controlling your efforts -- not the outcome. By devoting your full attention to the situation at hand, you will feel more relaxed and in control and the future will take care of itself.

nope.... nope..... nope.....

2007-02-01T16:43:00.000-05:00

I start to write, then throw it away. I can't say that. It wouldn't be right.

I'm feeling so out of sorts lately, and I don't know why. Well, I do know why, but there's nothing to be done about it. OK. There are things that can be done about it, but it's just not going to happen. (Do I have you as confused yet as I'm feeling?)

I know it's just the timing. The time of year. His work schedule. My work schedule. My school schedule. His kids. It's timing. All about the timing.

I hate it that I need him so much. But I love needing him. (And I think he appreciates it most of the time....) I hate how blah my life feels when he's not in it. But he is in it, just not as much as I would like. Then again, he's never been able to be in my life as much as I'd like. So why am I struggling so much with this now?

It almost feels as though the lack of work stress means a void has been created that insists on finding something to fill it. I haven't felt well all week and I'm still not sleeping well at night. And I know that is feeding this dissatisfaction I'm feeling. There's really nothing wrong, but it's all wrong.

*sigh*

Maybe it's just the weather....

waiting for the other shoe to drop....

2007-01-28T16:55:00.000-05:00

Last week wasn't too bad, for a change. I was actually more stressed about completing my mid-term essay than anything going on at work. But there is the meeting being held tomorrow that I wasn't invited to. I'm still not certain what information they plan to work with, as no one has told me that either. Oh, well! I'll just keep chugging along until it dawns on the Power That Be that I can't read his mind. He's the one who said we have no process, after all....

(OK. Is it nasty to think this whole thing is funny? He's looking pretty foolish to my boss and everyone else who is involved in this matter. After all, it's taken three weeks for him to announce the meeting and he hasn't invited all the right players to attend. *giggle* For someone who wants to preside over the process, he's not off to a very good start....)

On a good note? My old boss (the one who was phased out) got a new job last week! WOO HOO! He's a VP of Sales again. So far, about six of us that I know of have already purchased stock in the company. After all, we know what he did here. There is no doubt he will do the same thing there. (And, yes. He has my home phone number, personal address and personal e-mail if he wants to contact me about a job offer. :D )

jealousy.....

2007-01-25T04:35:00.000-05:00

Heard on TV:

“Jealousy is all about losing one you love. There is no greater fear than that.”

Sometimes profound statements come from those Star Trek shows.....

i double-dog dare ya....

2007-01-22T16:57:00.000-05:00

Go on! You know you want to! It's fun!

Here I am....

Go here if you want to play! Become an M&M

public humiliation.....

2007-01-20T20:24:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a friend about a scene He engineered. It included public humiliation, which is something I admit to finding a bit distasteful. Things didn’t quite go as planned and we had (and continue to have) quite a bit of discussion about it.

Why is public humiliation so difficult? I think part of it boils down to a fear of being laughed at or mocked by others. Having experienced this frequently while growing up, I know how painful words or sniggers can be. I felt that part of what He was asking me to do would invite others to look at me and make those whispered comments to themselves. Is it vanity that makes it so difficult? I don’t really think so. I know I’m not a raving beauty, but I do try to look presentable when I’m in public.

Something from the movie “The Birdcage” made me think about these feelings again. When Nathan Lane’s character was preparing to meet the prospective in-laws, he initially planned to do so as the son’s uncle. He dressed in a very neat suit, doing his best to look the part he felt he had to play. When it became obvious he was failing in his efforts, his pain-filled remarks touched my heart. He talked about dressing like everyone else and trying to look like everyone else. No matter how hard he tried, he would never fit in.

Maybe that’s what public humiliation really boils down to for me. I try to fit in, fade into the background, and not be noticed in the crowd. Forcing me out of that role makes me very uncomfortable. I become obvious. Instead of being part of the chorus, I am now on center stage. There is no way to escape the eyes of all those strangers, no place to hide from the looks, and no privacy for my embarrassment.

I managed to do as He required. It was extremely difficult and I know I was wooden and not as responsive as He wished. The “fight or flight” urge was so high, I wasn’t able to focus on anything else. Everything I had in me was struggling to continue to follow His directions and not a) begin screaming at Him like a shrew, or b) running back to our place and breaking down into hysterical tears.

While I did as He asked, my service that night was not freely given with an open heart. I feel as though I failed in the task He set for me. The up side of the experience? I know I can do better. I did manage to put my fears to the side enough to follow His instructions. He learned more about an area I struggle with. Best of all, it has led to some great discussion between us. Not every scene can go perfectly, but there can be a perfect ending to every scene.

public scenes.....

2007-01-18T04:35:00.000-05:00

One of the topics I had a chance to discuss while I was in London was public scenes. Admittedly, this is an area that I find fascinating but can NOT imagine doing. It was very interesting to hear from a couple of submissive friends how they viewed it and how it works for them.

Part of it, if I understood correctly, has to do with having other people see how much they can (or will) take for their partner. The energy from the crowd feeds both participants, allowing them to go to a greater emotional height while in the scene. The higher the emotions, the more intense the scene. That intensity is a bit addictive, leading to more public activity in order to reach that so-called “Nirvana” of sensation.

I truly admire those who can put their inhibitions away (or have a lack of them) and perform in public. Is it something you can learn? Or is it just inherent in the person?

things that intrigue me.....

2007-01-16T16:25:00.000-05:00

I’ve decided to make a list of some things that intrigue me. Please understand that NOT everything given is something I’d want to experience. However, others have written or spoken so eloquently on these topics that I find myself wanting to know more.

~Fisting
~Needle play
~Cages
~Puppy training
~Public scenes
~Enema play
~Medical play

Admittedly, this isn’t a comprehensive list. These are the topics I find myself thinking about in those free moments. If you have any experiences you’d like to share, reading recommendations or suggestions, please feel free to let me know!

never in my dreams....

2007-01-15T14:14:00.000-05:00

I had read about it, but never EVER thought it could happen to me. It did! Yay!

I actually had an orgasm from nipple play. It was AWESOME! Now, I will admit that it may have had something to do with the position we were in. (No, I’m not going to share that!) Or it may have been how horny I was for Him in that moment. I thought it might be the latter, so we repeated the experiment again and know what? IT HAPPENED AGAIN!

Who doesn’t like learning a new way to have orgasms? :D

working back into my routine....

2007-01-10T17:58:00.000-05:00

Well, I get to stay home this month! Yay! (OK.... I'm going to miss seeing all my friends in Chicago, but it's really nice to be in one place for a whole month!)

It's so hard to get back into my normal routine. I feel like I'm struggling to get everything done and get back on track. I have made it to the gym twice this week, so that's good. I'm not doing so well at doing school work in advance, though. I was going to work on that this weekend and just got a notice that the school site will be down. Darn! Guess I'll try to pull everything off over the next couple of days so I can still get some work done.

I have started making a list of some things I want to blog about. There just hasn't been time to put those thoughts into a cohesive form, yet. Don't worry though! A couple of them keep coming up in my mind, so I have no doubt I will plague you all with questions galore in the near future!

troubled dreams.....

2007-01-09T04:29:00.000-05:00

I guess you could say you're having problems sleeping when you're actually dreaming about having problems sleeping.....

Is it the weekend yet?

a friend in need.....

2007-01-07T18:44:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine is going through a very difficult time right now. Her relationship has taken a negative turn and she has recently found out that she may have a serious medical issue to deal with.

Would those of you who pray please add my friend "L" to your prayers for the next few days? If you don't pray, would you please send her a virtual hug?

I know she will appreciate it....

a needed confirmation.....

2007-01-06T22:34:00.000-05:00

It’s been a really rough week. Today, I was in a downward spiral. Why do I try? Why do I fight? It would be easier to just give up, walk away, and try to begin again.

He saw that. Mere moments into our conversation tonight and He knew that all was not right in my world. There was no hiding from the discussion, that was clear. I would not be allowed to hide from the subject, dodge the issues, or change the topic. His decision was binding and He told me that. In terms I could not deny.

I am truly blessed. There is no denying that. He knows me. He does not allow me to hide the things from him that I wish He was not burdened with. He will not allow me to carry those concerns alone. Words elude me. Tears come to my eyes. The agony of the last couple of days has thrown me into a depressive loop I could not break out of. His words, His instructions won’t allow me to stay there. The strength He shares, and the love He offers, gives me the ability to put it into a manageable perspective.

I wish He were closer. At times, I feel as though I am a burden to Him with the need I have for His guidance. Every time, He knows exactly what to say, what to do to pull me out of it.

Even though I could not physically feel His touch tonight, He gave me that confirmation I needed. I am His. Completely. Totally. Absolutely.

Thank you, sweetest Master. Thank you for knowing the mind of your slave. Thank you for understanding what she needs. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for your love.

Thank you, my most adored One.

need a laugh?

2007-01-04T17:23:00.000-05:00

I think we've all felt like we had this job at one time or another....

sitting duck

you must become part of the solution....

2007-01-02T18:39:00.000-05:00

It's the first workday of 2007. When I got to the office today, I decided to print out my mantra for this year and post it on my monitor, my laptop and one of the cabinet doors. Already, I'm struggling to keep to it....

The first work day of 2007 and already the stress is high. People are trying to throw me under the bus.... So far, my new boss is questioning why some of these topics are being brought up now. After all, if I were such a difficult employee, then why would I still be around? Why would my last performance evaluation be written in such glowing terms? Why would so many departments still be looking to me for answers to their questions?

*sigh*

I only hope this is not an indication of how this whole year is going to go....

i don't know where the time has gone....

2006-12-23T08:20:00.000-05:00

How is it that we are already so close the Christmas? Where did the month go? I remember thinking it was going to be busy when I got back from vacation, but I never expected the days to slip by so quickly....

My holiday wish for all of you is that you have time to spend with your loved ones over the holidays. Give someone close to you a hug or a kiss. Let them know the meaning they have in your life. Loved ones are the greatest gift any of us can be blessed with receiving....

so, so many thoughts running around in my head.....

2006-12-18T17:32:00.000-05:00

I’ve had so many great conversations this past month with people I truly respect. There are so many snippets and remarks that continue to run around in my head. Defining a BDSM relationship was a subject that brought out some great statements. While we all agreed that each relationship is different, we also recognized that there are some things that just ARE. Whether the relationship is M/s, D/s, Top/bottom, or called something else, the real crux of it comes down to an acceptance of a role. The definition of that role is agreed upon by the parties within the relationship.

There’s a part of me that wonders if attempts to explain a personal definition to others only leads to more confusion overall. Or does it create an environment where all the participants are on the same page?

More thoughts to come....

attempting to get back into the groove....

2006-12-17T07:48:00.000-05:00

Last week was really rough. There were some wonderful moments, but being away from home so much is starting to wear on me....

I got to have dinner with the kitty kat on Tuesday and our own beautiful SNN on Wednesday. (Shall I say it again? Who’s luckier than me?) Let me tell you, SNN is even better in person! Actually, everyone I have met through blogging turns out to be so much better than I could imagine. Maybe it’s that I tend to read blogs of those who share little tidbits from all aspects of their lives. We’re given a glimpse of their day, of how their mind works, and it’s so wonderful to meet the person who captured me with their words.

I ended up staying an extra day due to flight cancellations. That wasn’t bad, actually. But it was exhausting. After spending several hours at O’Hare on Thursday, I got to call a co-worker to come get me, attend a group dinner, then back to the hotel I had just checked out of that morning. I whined enough at the counter Thursday night to get one of those travel over-night bags from the air carrier, so I at least had a toothbrush for Friday. A leisurely breakfast, an extra cup of coffee, and USA today helped me start the day off.

I tend to skip the front page, but Friday’s edition had an amazing story that drew me in. You can view it here: Gift of wreaths touches nation. In fact, it touched me so much, I started crying. Right there in the hotel lobby. (Not a pretty sight, actually....) These are the types of stories I wish ALL papers would run on the front page more often.

Back to the airport and more delays. Instead of getting home in the early afternoon, I managed to arrive just in time to be right ahead of rush hour traffic. Unfortunately, my bag had come in on an earlier flight and there was only one person manning the ticketing area for two carriers. No one was at the baggage claim area, so about 15 of us had to wait in line until the poor woman could get to us. It was only 45 minutes or so.... (And it wasn’t her fault. I felt so sorry for her!) So, I got to get onto 287 to cross the Tappan Zee during rush hour on a Friday during the holiday season. I was so happy to finally pull into my parking space!

I’m home through the holidays. And that’s a GOOD thing! There are several others who have another trip to make next week, so I am counting my blessings for this one. I also got my grade for my final paper this week, so classes are out until the beginning of January. What am I going to do with all that extra time on my hands? lol I might actually be able to get caught up with everyone!

the crown is up for grabs....

2006-12-13T18:58:00.000-05:00

OK. The pretty little kitty kat and I decided last night that we had to share the "luckiest girl alive" crown. That means that we each get to have it two nights during the week and every other weekend.

So... Who wants to wear the crown on the remaining day?

i'm back.....

2006-12-06T04:19:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm kind of back, anyway! lol

The trip was fabulous! Lots of great things to share and I had a wonderful time with my friends in England! Thank you all for giving me such a magical time....

I think I'm finally caught up at work. Good thing, as I'm going back to Chicago next week! I'll be glad when these trips are over, but I also know it's going to be like this for another two or three months at the least.

I'm so behind on blogging and reading blogs! I do promise to find some time to catch up with everyone. Hope you all are doing well!

2006-11-12T09:49:00.000-05:00

something that moved me....

I know this is late for Veteran's Day, but I still want to share it. I received this video from a friend and it moved me tremendously.

sound bites....

2006-11-11T08:39:00.000-05:00

I think Smooches has finally forgiven me for being away. Instead of glaring at me from across the room, she crawled into my lap this morning for some cuddles. Of course, she had to stick her head into my arm pit.... Ewwwww! I haven't showered yet!

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Smokey has figured it out. Something is up. The suitcases are out and he's decided that I can't go anywhere if he sits in one.... Remind me to check for kitty toys before I close them up, please?

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The lunch with my boss the other day was great! It's going to be so hard going back to the office at the end of the month and not seeing him there....

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Who's the luckiest girl I know? Me, me, me, me, me!!!!! Even with all this traveling, I will get to see at LEAST five bloggers in the next two weeks. There is a possibility that number will increase to eight if some people will check their e-mail and IM! lol

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I'm sitting here, typing this, and thinking of everything I have to get done in the next two days. Why is it that I forgot I need a new suitcase? Why didn't that skirt fit right? Now I have to make a trip to the mall today to get those things taken care of.... So why is it so much easier to sit here griping instead of getting ready to go?

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Speaking of the skirt that didn't fit.... My credit card has gotten such a work out lately that it's in pain. I went on a MAJOR shopping spree. My sister would be so proud of me! I didn't buy one single thing in black! The new black is brown.... Two brown skirts, one nutmeg, one khaki, two brown tops, two taupe-y tops, three ivory, one pink, two blue, a brown cardigan, a butter rum cardigan, a boysenberry cardigan, a brown coat and a pair of brown boots. I think I'm set for the winter!

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OK.... I'm going to stop stalling and get my butt in gear. The liquor cabinet is still pretty full, so you guys didn't party enough while I was gone! I expect to see it completely empty when I get back....

wait for the beep!

2006-11-06T17:26:00.000-05:00

You have reached the blog of WistfulWench. She is off running around like a chicken with her head cut off for the rest of the month. Please leave your name and a brief message. Feel free to create havoc herein. Make yourselves comfortable and make free use of the liquor cabinet. It is fairly well stocked, so if you can't find something to drink, that's your problem.....

I'll try to be back by the end of this week. Then off again next week and most likely should be considered MIA until the end of the month. If I don't return before Christmas, please send out the National Guard and resident St. Bernard to search for me.

needing some ideas.....

2006-11-04T07:12:00.000-05:00

I'm throwing myself on the mercy of my readers. Since my boss will be leaving on November 17, I would really like to get him a gift to say "Thank You" for the six years we have spent together.

V has been an amazing boss to work for. While he is very demanding in his expectations, he is also one of the most compassionate people I know. I had only been working with him for two months when my aunt passed away. When I told him I would really like to take a couple of days off to be able to go to Kansas for the funeral, he not only told me to take the days as bereavement leave (which was stretching the policy) but also used his own frequent flier miles to pay for my tickets to get there. Any time something has happened with my family, V has immediately responded with support and even re-worked deadlines to allow me to be with my family when I needed to be there.

What do you give someone who can buy pretty much anything he wants or needs? Here is some personal information to help with the ideas....

He and his fiancee bought a boat last spring.

He enjoys fishing and playing golf.

They both enjoy fine dining and trying new wines.

While we work in a technology-driven field, he is not a techno-weenie. He still uses a small paper calendar to track his daily schedule.

He has a great sense of humor.

He just became a grandfather last month and is so proud of that fact.

I have truly been blessed to have V as my boss. He has been an amazing mentor, has spent countless hours of his time in teaching me, and has truly helped me grow into the position I created when I went to work for him. He always supported me in getting things done, which allowed me the freedom to get processes into place. I am really going to miss him....

feelings.....

2006-11-01T04:38:00.000-05:00

Lavender said something that really touched me this morning. It reminds me of a conversation with a couple of friends when I was struggling with some relationship issues a couple of years ago.

I had said something to the effect of wishing I didn’t have certain feelings about what had happened. What was said to me frequently comes back into my mind when I try to deny an emotion, so I thought I would share it.

When you feel something, it is valid. Always. It is your heart and mind talking to the inner you. You need to listen so you can accept. Trying to deny them only means that they will fester and come back again and again, stronger each time.

Now, accepting that I have a certain emotion does NOT mean I have to act on it. When someone makes me angry, I try to recognize why I feel that way. Is it the action or the person? If it’s the person, then why do they bring that emotion out in me? Can I find something positive about that person to reduce or offset the anger?

So many times, we are told that we are bad or wrong for our feelings. I don’t believe that for a second! We all have the RIGHT to our feelings. They are ALWAYS valid.

the fat lady has set the concert date....

2006-10-30T16:40:00.000-05:00

She will sing on November 17. I don't think it will be for me, but no answers have been given on that front yet.

It has been determined, by the powers that be, that my boss is not necessary, of no consequence, and can bring no value to the new organization. His last day will be the 17th. Of course I have issues with the way this has been handled. And I have issues with this decision as a whole. A part of me wonders if I'm crazy for wanting to continue employment here. The other part of me says I'm stupid if I don't give it a shot, as there are opportunities I would most likely not find elsewhere.

So, I wonder when they're going to tell me who my new boss is? Maybe they'll actually decide what I'm going to be doing at that time, as well. That would be a win for me as far as I'm concerned!

new meme....

2006-10-30T04:17:00.000-05:00

Last great book read. If I define “great” as tremendously appreciated, it would have to be any one of the Tom Clancy Op Center series which I’m currently reading again. Or anything by Anne McCaffrey. Or Sharon Green, Elizabeth Moon, Mercedes Lackey, Tanya Huff or Melanie Rawn. Oh! And don’t forget Robert Heinlein.

Last great accomplishment. Keeping my sanity throughout this past year.

Describe your personality. Variable depending on my mood and the weather.

What is your current hobby? Reading, scrapbooking, cross-stitch, plastic canvas, card-making and cooking.

Last compliment received. Hello, gorgeous! Would you like to join me for breakfast?

What are your religious views? That is something personal I will share with those I trust.

Are you into the Zodiac? Not really.

What are you thinking right now? These questions are more difficult than I thought they would be.

What are things you hear from others about you? I don’t think I’m a topic of conversation! lol

Do you have a personal motto or quote? What’s done is done and cannot be changed. You can’t live in the past or in the future. The only moment to live is NOW.