A Cry in the Dark

A Cry in the Dark

Thursday, June 29, 2006

cross your fingers and cross your eyes....

(I won't ask you to cross your legs! lol)

I have another phone interview tomorrow. This one is with Human Resources. (WOO HOO!)

Maybe that call last week went better than I thought....

AND....

My classes begin July 26.

AND....

I got told at LEAST six times today that I am looking great!

It's turned out to be a WONDERFUL day!!!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:04 PM :: 8 comments

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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

having a bad day?

Well, then consider this...
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still a bad day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdex spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? Still having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 12:38 PM :: 7 comments

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Saturday, June 24, 2006

am i really asking for too much?

I admit that I’m much more comfortable being in the background. It’s easier for me to just do what I’m supposed to do when I’m not in the spotlight. I don’t enjoy being the focus of attention. That’s just the way I am, the way I’ve always been.

Does that mean I shouldn’t get what I want, what I need, what I deserve? Do I really have to ask for it? Why can’t you just appreciate my value and give it to me? Am I not worth a little bit of effort on your part? I know.... It’s fine for me to make the compromises and I know my place. Why is it wrong to want to be considered as a priority every once in a while, though?

I don’t ask for a lot.... I just want to be considered as “important” at times. Is that really asking too much?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 9:38 AM :: 3 comments

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Friday, June 23, 2006

catching up.....

Well, I had my first telephone interview the other evening. It seemed to be going well until the very last question. He asked about my education. I did my best to put a positive spin on it. "Due to scheduling conflicts brought about by corporate requirements, I had to make the choice to put my continuing education on hold. Those conflicts have recently been resolved and I have enrolled in an on-line program to complete my degree." He sounded a bit disappointed, though. *sigh* I'll know in about three weeks whether I've made the cut for a face-to-face interview....

Why does it always seem that things come up at the last minute when I'm trying to leave the office for a few days off? I ended up staying almost two hours late yesterday to complete a project. Of course, that meant that I got caught in traffic (at 4pm for some strange reason) and took more than an hour to get home. Not the best way to begin a few days off!

Lots of projects scheduled for the next few days. I'm hoping to get the bathroom ceiling re-painted today. Tomorrow I'll submit my college application with my transcripts to find out what courses I need to take to complete my degree. Fortunately, my math requirements should already be completed. A little touch up painting in the hallways, painting a shelf, fixing the drawer to my buffet and working on the family reunion scrapbooks will round out the weekend. I plan on making Tuesday a lazy spoil-me day. I've scheduled a massage, pedicure and manicure for myself!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:11 AM :: 5 comments

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

some experiences with humiliation....

You know, humiliation used to be a hard limit for me.  My ex used to take things that were very personal (especially my self-image issues) and use them to hurt me, even if other people were around.  It was so bad, I got to the point of hiding in my room whenever anyone would come over.  I didn’t want to hear what he would say to them about me.  I couldn’t try to laugh it away.  It was much to painful....

The first dominant I met “over there” was heavily into humiliation.  He told me, in no uncertain terms, that he would verbally humiliate me on a regular basis.  Every time I told him that that was a hard limit for me, he would make a comment about how I wasn’t a “real” submissive if I had limits.  Fortunately, I realized VERY quickly that this guy and I did not belong together and moved on.

My recent experiences with humiliation have been very different, though.  At no time has he used anything personal against me.  Instead, he has objectified me and required me to act in a manner that stripped away who I am.  Interestingly enough, I have found myself wanting to do this more often.  I think it’s because of how he’s handled the situation.  Nothing is done that reinforces negative thoughts.  Rather, the actions he requires strip me of my persona and force me to respond in a very limited manner.  It is humiliating on various levels, primarily mental.  When I perform in the required manner, his approval and appreciation is obvious.  Rather than being something that is emotionally painful, humiliation on his terms is something that is pleasurable....

I sometimes wonder how many limits he plans to remove....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:20 PM :: 9 comments

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Monday, June 19, 2006

more changes to come?

I know I've mentioned a couple of times that I may be moving to the Chicago area if certain things happen with my job. The last week, though, I've been thinking about looking into a couple of different options.

Last week, while my boss and I were riding together to our meeting, we got to talking about some of the advantages of being part of a very large corporation. I mentioned that I had seen an interesting position posted for another division in NC. He was quick to point out how much lower the cost of living is there, how much friendlier the people are and that the winters would be easier than they are in this area. I spent the next few days seriously thinking about what he said and looking at what is going on with my company. It hasn't been pretty this past year and I don't see things getting much better in the near future. That's not to say that it sucks! It just isn't what it was and I doubt it ever will be again. That's something that saddens me tremendously, as it used to be an amazing place to work....

Initially, NC wasn't an area I would have said I was interested in. However, the facility isn't that far from Ashville and there are some fantastic motorcycle rides in that area. (I want to do Deal's Gap BOTH ways without crashing into the side of the mountain!) The rents are around half of what I'm paying now, for a larger place with amazing amenties. Who wouldn't want a swimming pool, tennis courts, on-site fitness center and washer/dryer hookups in the apartment?

I'm waiting to hear if the position is still open.... I don't know whether to keep my fingers crossed or not!

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:32 PM :: 5 comments

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Saturday, June 17, 2006

in the news....

I'm listening to one of the morning newscasts and have to laugh at what I just heard.

Men, strangely enough, receive measurable health benefits when they are regularly participating in sex with a loving partner. Who knew?

Now.... I wonder how long it will be before that becomes a line that gets used?

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:22 AM :: 4 comments

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Thursday, June 15, 2006

ass study....

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 5:37 PM :: 8 comments

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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

note to self....

It's not wise to be reading blogs while chatting with an on-line academic advisor....

Bus Admin just became Sub Admin....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:56 PM :: 8 comments

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

a good reason to wear your jammies....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:02 AM :: 8 comments

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Sunday, June 11, 2006

today i wish....

I wish he was here today.  I need him so badly, for so many reasons and on multiple levels.

I’m getting over my hurt from the other day.  I know my friend would not have been intentionally malicious.  My initial reaction to betrayal, perceived or actual, is to pull back into my shell and try to protect my feelings.  I’ve been hurt so many times that I go into auto-defense mode.  Something inside me just wants to lash out and hurt that person worse than they’ve hurt me.  Having so many hours just sitting in an airport on Wednesday didn’t help matters at all.  I had nothing to do but mull over the incident.  Of course, it just grows bigger and bigger, more painful by the minute when I don’t have something else to occupy my mind.  By now, I’ve managed to recognize the gigantic proportions I allowed this to build to in my head.  I lost my perspective by feeling hurt.  I’m getting it back, but the process is slower than I would prefer.

I so wish my Master was here today....  He knows how to take me out of my “head” when I get like this.  I need his pain.  I need to have him pushing limits, hard, forcing me to narrow my focus to one little moment of time.  I need to FEEL rather than think.  I need the peace of letting everything go, hearing only his voice instead of the ones that are screaming in my head.  Bound.  Forced into stillness.  No way to run and hide.  No room for anything in my head other than his words, his desires, his pleasure.

On days like this, I feel as though I’m wide open to him.  There is little or nothing I wouldn’t do to please him.  May I grovel at your feet, Master?  May I be humiliated?  May I have the large butt plug?  May I have your fist?  May I have the clamps and the pins and be spanked until I’m bruised?  May I drown in the sensations until my voice is hoarse from crying out in pain?  What would please you, Master?  What more can I do for you?  Will you please break me, break down all the walls and barriers I have built?  Will you please, I beg of you, bring me to that point where nothing exists?  Nothing but pain and tears, letting me be reborn....

Today, I feel too needy.  On edge.  Walking a fine line between sane and dangerous.  Maybe it’s a good thing he’s not here....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 11:13 AM :: 8 comments

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Friday, June 09, 2006

i shouldn't be disappointed, but i am....

Enforced waiting is not a good thing when my mind is going like this. Too much time to mull over things. Too much time to dwell on them. Time on my hands to let the anger build, big enough to cover my hurt. Time to plot. Time to plan. Time to think it through in order to figure out how to hurt you most. Time for reflection. Systematically cataloging all your actions, all your statements, question your motivations. Time to discard my respect and admiration of you.

Time....

Time is my enemy.
Time is my friend.

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That was what I wrote while sitting in the airport the other day. Another day of reflection on the situation has brought no clarity. All that has come from thinking about it are more and more questions.

Why? I guess that’s the biggest one. Why didn’t you tell me yourself? You realize it makes it look as though you are trying to hide something, right? And now, well.... Now the respect I had for you has dropped several notches. Now, whether you realize it or not, every comment you make to me will be filed away and questioned. You see, I can’t believe what you say any longer. I can’t accept your statements at face value. You have put a wall in between us, one that I will make no attempt to break down.

I’m disappointed, to say the least. We have been through a lot this past year. We faced a number of challenges together and I honestly thought we had formed a close bond because of that. I have made it a point to tell you what I wanted and the steps I would take to get there. I thought I had your support. I thought we were both working towards some common goals. I guess I was wrong.

I wonder if you have any clue how much you hurt me. I doubt you understand how few people I let get this close to me, this far into my life and into my head. Obviously, you don’t care. If you did, you would have made certain you told me this yourself. Oh, well! Live and learn, I guess. You have been moved to a different level in my life. No longer do I feel any obligation to be completely open with you. My intentions are not going to be discussed. The rationale for my actions will not be shared. Believe it or not, that bothers me much less than I think it should. Maybe I always knew there was some reason to not trust you completely. That saddens me, because I really wanted to believe in you....

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A couple of days ago, some of my co-workers and I got to talking about blogging. I let it be know that I do have a blog. One guy in particular wanted to know where he could read it at. I don’t think I’ll be giving him the URL just yet....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 9:34 AM :: 5 comments

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

i hate that feeling....

You know that feeling of having your nose rubbed into something that is distasteful? The one that leaves you wondering if you are more hurt or more angry?

I hate that feeling....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:44 PM :: 5 comments

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Monday, June 05, 2006

who's bright idea was that?

Why is it that management always seems to think the best time to begin a new project is at the start of a month? After all, the first two weeks of the month only BORDER on nightmarish WITHOUT any assistance!

*sigh*

I get to go to Chicago on Wednesday. I'll be out of the house by 5am to get to the airport and, if my flight lands on time, I'll get home around 1am on Thursday.

Yes, I'm grumpy about it already....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 4:33 PM :: 3 comments

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Sunday, June 04, 2006

something has come over me....

Within the last four weeks, I have gotten a perm, had a manicure, pedicure and massage, and gone blonde. Today, I even put on make-up to go to the grocery store....

I’m getting too girly for myself....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 10:04 AM :: 7 comments

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Saturday, June 03, 2006

what if....

I was listening to “What If” by Coldplay when some of the words really hit me. I don’t know that I had ever really heard them before.

What if there was no light?
Nothing wrong, nothing right?
What if there was no time?
And no reason or rhyme?
What if you should decide?
That you don't want me there by your side?
That you don't want me there in your life?

What if I got it wrong?
And no poem or song?
Could put right what I got wrong?
Or make you feel I belong?
What if you should decide?
That you don't want me there by your side?
That you don't want me there in your life?

The phrase that caught my attention was “What if you should decide that you don’t want me there in your life? That you don’t want me there by your side?” Isn’t that what we all fear? That the one we long to be with will decide there is no place for us in their life. Each step in that relationship could be the one to break the fragile bond. How is it we decide, time and again, that the risk is worth it?

I’m not certain I like this song so much any longer....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 12:34 PM :: 2 comments

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Friday, June 02, 2006

which hurts worse?

Words?

Or the lack of them?

I sometimes wonder....

Posted by WistfulWench :: 6:23 AM :: 9 comments

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Thursday, June 01, 2006

safe smoking....

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

Posted by WistfulWench :: 3:27 AM :: 5 comments

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